Week 16 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows: Gary Horton reads us!

“Make my grandkids call me!”

Imagine my surprise earlier this morning heading over to tWWL for Gary “Actually, I’m Not Andy Rooney” Horton’s weekly AFL Power Rankings, and low and behold, he also had a diatribe similar to my own (but with less swears and contemporary references to a heliocentric universe) regarding the pitiful state of the AFL’s playoff setup. What we BOTH advocate: admission by overall record first! No losing-record teams in the playoffs! Turn down that hipster music!

Also, before the jump to Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fight, more photographic evidence that Utah QB Joe Germaine always looks the same.

Okay, this is just starting to get strange. Like that Lindsay Lohan compilation.

Week 15 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights: the 2008 American Conference Race to the Bottom

Quality defensive play.

The Mitsubish American Conference Presented by Mitsubishi is a disgrace brought to you by Mitsubishi. Playoff-bound Chicago, San Jose, and (gasp!) Arizona have respectable records at 10-4, 9-5, and 8-6 respectively; whereas the remaining five teams in the conference are being led by Utah at 5-10. Luckily for Chicago, San Jose, and Arizona, inter-league play is pretty damned common in the AFL so they’re not automatically boned in the postseason like an NFC team is against an AFC team (except, of course, for that glorious Super Bowl we had this past winter). A plea to Commissioner Hagrid – aside from not leaving for the stupidface Pac-10 – is to grant playoff spots based solely on record, as our beloved Tampa Bay Storm will most likely miss the playoffs with (hopefully) a winning record, yet several American Conference teams with twice as many losses as victories will be invited to parade their craptacular ineptitude on a national stage.

Grumble grumble grumble, I’m more cantankerous than Gary “You Woke Me From My Nap For THIS?” Horton and his weekly Power Rankings, and my Can’t Miss Random Pick and Pillow Fight this week are sponsored by Spite.

Week 14 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights

Shockingly, the sun hasn’t set on LA’s 4-9 season yet.

The playoffs are starting to shape up: Chicago already clinched a week-one bye; Dallas, Philly, San Jose, and (you’re reading this right) Arizona have all clinched playoff berths. That means pretty much everyone else still has a shot, which is kind of a slap in the face to the National Conference’s 8-win teams (Georgia, New Orleans, and Orlando) and 7-win teams (Cleveland and New York) (Tampa Bay hovers at 6 wins… for now?) since the remaining American Conference teams that have yet to clinch a spot in the playoffs, but are still eligible, are at 3, maybe 4 wins on the season (looking at you, LA, Utah, Colorado, Grand Rapids, and Kansas City).

Wow, Run-On-Sentences much?

Anyhow, there’s quite a bit at stake this week for all the teams on the bubble, as one of my camp directors used to say, “go big or go home”. After the jump, we have this week’s Power Rankings from ESPN’s Grampa “Find An Intern to Write This Damn Thing For Me” Gary Horton; arena football betting advice fit for an emperor with no clothes, and a sneak peek at this weeks’ certifiable Pillow Fight.

Week 13 Power Rankings, Pillow Fights, and Picks: 4-8 is good enough

I also don’t want to live in a world where a 4-8 team is a playoff contender.

I’m looking at you, Columbus, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Utah, Grand Rapids, and Colorado. Y’all are more inept at (indoor)(goofy) football than Sharon Stone is at displaying tact, or, for that matter, sanity. You suck more than the 21-day detox I’m starting tomorrow (shameless plug: keep up with that over here). You’re not even Zeppo Marx, you’re Gummo. Check in with us when you’ve won more than the 49ers did last season, mmmkay?

You know the drill: after the jump, ESPN’s Gary “Grampastein” Horton arbitrarily rates every team in the league, I’ll throw down a completely random and certifiably unreliable pick for your arena football betting needs, and a declaration of the worst matchupof the week (this week, it is glorious, even without the President’s daughters).

Week 12: Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows – last year this had a picture of the Bush daughters

Chicago Rush TD pics, according to Google, do not carry the same weight as pictures of the twin daughters of the leader of the free world in lacy negligee

What’s that, you say? These ranks and previews are moot since a game has already been played this week? You’re saying last night Kansas City upset LALALALALA WE’RE NOT LISTENING! LALALALALALA STFU!

Waiting for you after the jump: A quick review of Gary “Not My Grampa” Horton’s AFL Power Rankings, arena football betting advice that’s almost guaranteed to make your individual credit crisis worse, and a Pillow Fight worthy of twenty-thousand Google hits.

Week 11 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight

Get it, Kansas City? I’m saying your team is soft.

It’s that time once again, readers. After a surprising loss by Philadelphia, the second-straight win by Utah, and the creeping realization that mediocre-to-shite Arizona will probably sail into the playoffs, the arena league is on its head. After the jump, the musings of ESPN’s Gary “The Grampinator” Horton, terrible football betting advice in the form of the ironically-named Can’t Miss Random Pick, and, of course, your Weekend Pillow Fight that this week is more like a pair of impending smackdowns.

Week 10: Ranks, Pillows, and Picks: I’m in training again!

I’ve been here before!

It’s painfully close to the end of the week, so you know what that means – blogging on company time! All your favorites, from Grampa Gary’s Power Rankngs to Can’t Miss Random Pick and Weekend Pillow Fight await you after the jump:

Week 9 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Pillow Fight: OH CRAP moving really blows edition

WHERE IS THE WINDEX?

MOVING IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. SO IS MOVING RIGHT BEFORE ATTENDING THE KENTUCKY DERBY.

Since my ride is picking me up shortly and I have 10 minutes’ worth of internetz access, we’ll forget Grampa Gary this week and just summarize the week thusly:

THE GOOD: Philly, Chicago, New Orleans

THE BAD: Cleveland, Georgia

THE UGLY: Kansas City, Utah, your mom

CMRP: New Orleans over Georgia. Tasty!

WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: Kansas City? UTAH? BLARG!

 

TC may have something cooking for you kiddies – have a great weekend, enjoy the games, and when in the infield at the Derby, always help strangers saran-wrap their friends to portable toilets.

Week 9 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight: Let’s get meta!

Coming up with fresh ideas is tough, just ask Brett Ratner. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this nugget by Neal Pollack on Slate regarding things such as weekly power rankings, mock drafts, and MVP races being signs of lazy sports writing (ironically, similar points have been made on Slate in the past) and overall detrimental to the appreciation of sporting in general. Fair enough. Then, yesterday KSK’s Big Daddy Drew posted an NFL draft preview on Deadspin that suggested anyone bemoaning the surplus of mock drafts can, in his parlance, choke on a dick. Fair enough.

Both articles made me further question qualms I’ve had about my weekly riffing on the occasionally disjointed Gary Horton AFL ramblings from the WWL, and gave me an idea to keep this feature fresh.

Maybe next week.

Week 7 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Pillow Fights: JM is in training right now!

I’m at Excel training right now! Time for some good ol’ fashion blogging! Grampa Gary, you’re getting roasted in bold after the jump!