Are We Boned? Yeah, We’re Boned.

9 12 2008
Aieeeee! It's just like Pitcairn Island!

Aieeeee! It's just like Pitcairn Island!

Oh, dear Christ. We get bored and wander off for several months, and our “beloved” league is in jeopardy? We figured it was the idle chatter of a few of the we-blogs, and perhaps there was some financial difficulty … wait, where’d the VooDoo go? Well, that’s just Tom Benson, and he’s kind of a dick. The league is as sturdy as one of my favorite Chicago institutions, The Tribune Company. Oh, it’s not? Oh, crap. The Predators, sold? What are the guys we met in New Orleans going to do with their scary masks? Terrorize children [more often]?

You’ll tell me it’s all going to be okay, right, San Jose Mercury News? Gak. “WE WILL TAKE ON ALL COMERS, FOR WE ARE INDESCRIBABLY WEALTHY,” is the campaign for the 2009 SaberCats, by the way. But what of The Dietz?  Certainly the Storm…

Despite reports of AFL troubles, Storm plods along

A ringing endorsement from the St. Petersburg Times-adjacent

What happened? Well, until I can get a detailed analysis from our in-house economist, let’s use broad strokes: David Baker’s AFL was growing, and had a deal with ESPN that was supposed to secure the league’s future. He left us. Heleftusheleftusheleftus. Lex-from-Jurassic-Park interlude over, the VooDoo crumble with little-to-no-notice. A deal with A Mysterious Equity Group falls apart. Talks, dispersal draft, and free agency are all postponed. No schedule?

Boned, boned, boned. Where are our cut-rate Woodward and Bernstein to follow the money? Where’d it go? Did the league expand too quickly under Baker, only to collapse like a dying star? A star that was interesting, but never really that bright in the first place? Colorado is one of the teams facing awkwardness, and they’ve been one of the sturdier teams, owned by John Elway. If Elway’s hurting, everybody’s hurting.


We don’t write for a while, and this is what it takes to put fingers to keys?

At least we didn’t come back for an epitaph.



ARENA BOWL XXII: We’re Way Less Interesting Than Last Year

25 07 2008
I Cheated and Stole ESPN's Banner. Winner

I stole ESPN's Banner. I am a winner.

So, guess what? Between general apathy and real-life nonsense, we totally blew off the playoffs (which apparently were hosted in Crazy Town, final results notwithstanding), and aren’t going to New Orleans again. For which my liver thanks the Flying Spaghetti Monster. BUT ANALYSIS WILL ENSUE!



Multiple members of Bon Jovi! Jaws! More Cowbell! The Grieb Laser Industry! Darren Arbet! The Guy Who Owns Fry’s! D’Orazio! SOME OTHER PEOPLE OHMYGODIT’STHEARENABOWL!

Dear Point-Counterpoint, I never thought this could happen to me… (Jump?)

Read the rest of this entry »

Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

12 07 2008

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!

Not a moment too soon: presenting your “Official ‘It’s Still Football’ Craptacular Virgin ArenaBowl XXII Playoff Bracket

28 06 2008

Granted, this comes a day late, but we don’t call it Craptacular for nothin’. Look for a Virgin (Wild)Card Weekend Wrap Up Spectacular soon! In the meantime, get back to watching (UGGH) Colorado and Utah.

Sorry, Brett.

Who Has the Inside Track To The Virgin Bowl XXII? And Where’d That Reference Come From?

19 06 2008

I am really good at photoshop. Except not.

If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.

That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.

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Instant replay? The future is now!

16 05 2008

Pictures and sound, prerecorded and transmitted via radio beams!

The Arena Football League is pioneering a new technology, and will introduce it just in time for the 2008 playoffs: using the videofilm machines already in place to verify the outcomes of questionable plays on the field. By making a recording of the game-in-progress, videofilm technicians will be able to pull film from close calls to review the recordings of varying camera angles in “slowed time motion” to verify that the correct calling on the field is made. The Arena Football League is referring to this unheard of achievement of futuristic technological ingenuity tentatively as “instantaneous gametime moviefilm review for accuracy”.

Thus far, reactions to the advance have been mixed by fans of the Arena Football League, as some welcome the advance, and bemoan the fact it has taken so long to make the necessary innovations, whereas other question its possible effect to the sanctity of the game, its referees, and its inclusion mid-season, the effects of which we will not fully understand until the system of videofilm-confirming reviews are introduced this post-season.

Verily, the future is here!


Weekend in Review: We Continue to Have No Excuses

23 04 2008

We wanted to take the time to make sure that our analysis would be as in-depth and accurate as you, the reader, have come to expect. No, that’s a lie. We apparently simply couldn’t be buggered to reflect on the week’s AFL news, during which we actually watched some games and stuff.

Also, we’re going to combine a little serious information in this post: Week 9 of the season is “V Week,” where the Arena League and ESPN are combining to raise money and whatnot for cancer research. If you want to donate, the number is 800-4JIMMYV and you can hit the V Foundation’s website at

Okay, that was serious. Now for vaguely funny stuff you already know! WITH GREAT SPEED! And total inaccuracy!

Cleveland 83, LOS ANGELES 69

The Gladiators took advantage of a little-known rule where, if they solve a sequence of puzzles, not only do they get to move their away game to the Isle of Myst, they also get to play with rocket shoes.

Orlando 65, GEORGIA 62

Wait, the Predators and the VooDoo lead the South? Bullshit. I don’t believe in this season. As you may have gathered by how blatantly I’m phoning this post in. I regret everything, and will make it up to the planet with my mid-season reviews. Oh, the game? Very exciting. Blocked field goal to seal it. Jay Gruden broke Shane Stafford’s leg with a tire-iron, and Stafford was replaced by Kofi Annan:

KANSAS CITY 55, Colorado 53

Brigade win! Brigade win! John Dutton and Kristy Lee Cook both lose! Colorado had a chance at it, but couldn’t successfully score on the two-point conversion. Also, I just learned that Kansas City is sponsored by Southwest, so I assume that their uniforms will become that funky orange and red color combo, and they can retain the blue. I tried to mock this up but it looks so bad.

New Orleans 60, ARIZONA 36

New Orleans forced turnovers! [Gasp!] Arizona might have to give away season tickets! [Gasp!] LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] isn’t going to get the job done, but might it actually be… his evil twin?

San Jose 61, UTAH 40

Did you know Darren Arbet was sitting on 99 victories until last night? And did you also know that when you are struggling, you ought to play Utah? Because you will most assuredly win! 100 victories for Glorious Leader Arbet! He was reported to smile after the game, but this is unconfirmed.

New York Dragons 66, TAMPA BAY 47

Brett Dietz needs to not turn the ball over. Brett Dietz has a charming family. Brett Dietz throws for many yards and many touchdowns. Sadly, Brett Dietz had two interceptions, a lost fumble, and a safety. Brett Dietz would like some line help, please. Apparently, Tim Marcum was on the phone this week, hiring and firing, including picking up Monty Montgomery. Whose name places him among my favorite players, and I like to imagine that the meeting between he and Dietz will look something like this:

The only reason this is a still is because I couldn\'t figure out how to capture the whole scene from the DVD.

When asked for comment, Montgomery responded by throwing down his pencil and exclaiming “Damn!”

CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 52

With Sherdrick Bonner out due to a knee injury, Russ Michna captained the Rush to a victory over a scrappy Grand Rapids team that wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately for the Rampage, the goblin giving instructions to the coaching staff shrieked “GO FOR THE WIN, EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEH!” instead of letting Brian Gowins kick for the tie on Northwestern Alumni Outing Night That Joe and I Didn’t Go To Because We’re Idiots.