Bugger Off, Pac-10 Commissioner Search

12 06 2008

Commissioner Baker in his office

On Tuesday, Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen announced that July 1, 2009 would be his final day at the helm of the conference. We said, and I quote, “What? Who? Whatever.” Because we are Big Ten apologists above all else, and therefore harbor a deep-seated jealousy towards the Pac-10 for their weather, girls, ostensibly laid-back attitude, and bazillion NCAA championships. Also, we don’t pay attention to “rumors,” “news,” or “facts.” But when you suggest that perhaps our favorite motile mountain of a commissioner would be a good fit for the opening, why, our hackles get raised. He’s ours, Pac-10, and we like him, because he can palm my head like ordinary people might a grapefruit. Also, he’s made great strides towards make the Arena Football League notable, and quite nearly relevant. But most of all, he legitimately cares about the goofy league with the crazy rules, and genuinely seems to have fun with his job.

He’s not an evil gnome, employed despite global revulsion and incompetence that nearly killed his sport (Gary Bettman). He’s not a megalomaniac who, when confronted with bad news, essentially sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “Woo! Woo! Can’t hear you! Train coming through!” (David Stern, who I am convinced is the guy who hisses into his phone to fake a bad connection, or drops syllables and claims that “there’s someone on the other line.”) He’s not a combination of the two, with the exception that – by the grace of God and rampant drug use – his sport managed to not get hooked up to life support. (Buuuuuud Selig!) And he’s not a power-mad autocrat who thinks he’s Zeus. (Roger Goodell, who I actually kind of like.) He’s our friend! So, take a hike, Pac-10.


BREAKING: Sam Keller signs with Los Angeles Avengers

5 06 2008

Nick Lachey\'s new bro?

OK, maybe it isn’t breaking, but kiss my (disappearing on a detox) ass as I’ve been in meetings all blessed week. Sam Keller, who briefly practiced with the Tampa Bay Buccaneer Quarterback Emporium, signed a three-year contract with the Los Angeles Avengers, thus filling the surprising void of dark-haired muscled collegiate athletes in the greater LA area.

When contacted for comment, current QB Sonny Cumbie sprained his wrist picking up the telephone.

Week 9 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight: Let’s get meta!

25 04 2008

Coming up with fresh ideas is tough, just ask Brett Ratner. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this nugget by Neal Pollack on Slate regarding things such as weekly power rankings, mock drafts, and MVP races being signs of lazy sports writing (ironically, similar points have been made on Slate in the past) and overall detrimental to the appreciation of sporting in general. Fair enough. Then, yesterday KSK’s Big Daddy Drew posted an NFL draft preview on Deadspin that suggested anyone bemoaning the surplus of mock drafts can, in his parlance, choke on a dick. Fair enough.

Both articles made me further question qualms I’ve had about my weekly riffing on the occasionally disjointed Gary Horton AFL ramblings from the WWL, and gave me an idea to keep this feature fresh.

Maybe next week. Read the rest of this entry »

There Are Certain Things We Are Suckers For

26 03 2008

This Pass Will Be Incomplete

Photo stolen. Stolen stolen stolen. Ha!

Ah, AAFL Castoffs, welcome to our practice squads. And our motion pictures, apparently. Jon Beutjer was signed earlier this week to the Tampa Bay practice squad to replace… someone less interesting (Mitch Tanney), who was stolen by Philadelphia to back up their motley crew of pre-triage quarterbacks. So, welcome to the Arena League, Jon Beutjer, you titan of industry, you. You’ve come long way from hurling lightning bolts at John Schweigardt at Wheaton Warrenville North South (including ones that knocked the Carl Sandburg Eagles out of the playoffs in 1999) and then being surly at Iowa and transferring to Illinois simply because you were attacked by your offensive lineman

And how could we forget your illustrious Illinois career, where I personally hated your living guts for ruining the final home game of my undergraduate career? Though I’m forced to admit: the fact that Northwestern was wretched that year probably assisted you in that endeavor.

THEN you played for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats! Your official bio refers to you as a tall, pocket passer! Canadians think you’re immobile! That’s really amazing, Jon. Also, it would appear that describing you as “oft-injured” would be cheritable. The fact that you were double-concussed in high school adds additional intrigue to the mix.

Then the AAFL! Oh, it’s so exciting! The possibilities, the geographical team names, the fact that it collapsed like a hot-air balloon hit by a stinger missile… you could’ve been the star to which Lesser Fontes hitched his wagon, but alas, the mortgage industry is full of liars, cheats, and those who eat puppies for a mid-afternoon snack.

Ah, memories, Mr. Beutjer. Perhaps if you had Chris Sanders’ mom in your corner, you could’ve made the NFL. Maybe. Okay, that’s really unlikely, but if it helps you sleep at night, then use it.

Also: you might want to watch Brett Dietz. At least follow his lead in the category of “not being an enormous bindle of dicks.”

Inside the Gladiator’s front office

1 02 2008

At least Goddess starts with a G

DIRECTOR OF MARKETING: “All right, guys, we pared it down to sixteen pre-med students from Cleveland State. When they were in Las Vegas, they called them the Goddesses. We have to be able to do better than that, right?”

“How about Gladiator-ettes?”


“Sword Chicks?”


“Junior Brownies?”

“Dog Pounders?” 

“Marketing Associates?”

No. Come on, guys. Think outside the box a little bit. Something sexy that maybe starts with a ‘G’, this isn’t rocket science.”

[Ten minutes pass. Director of Marketing picks up phone, dials]

“Hey Bernie… yeah, we’re going with ‘Goddesses’.”

Hat-tip to Josh for the heads-up.

Also Still Football: The AAFL!

28 01 2008

Eric Crouch, “Renaissance” Man

Eric Crouch: A face of the All-American Football League

Hooray for more wacky football times! Livia, occasional and superb contributor to Snarkastic.com (the personal Internet empire of Holly, of Ladies… fame) snuck into the AAFL draft and found it to be a delightful Rube Goldberg device comprised of madness dressed in football uniforms. I shall excerpt, and link, for I can’t do the whole thing justice. My favorite bit: 

12:23 Team Tennessee introduces their protected players. My heart breaks a little when I see Tee Martin. Tee Martin: National Championship Quarterback, Peyton’s Successor, One Of Tennessee’s Greatest Players…reduced to this. He is not smiling. I don’t blame him. Former Vols on this list include Jason Mitchell, a linebacker, and James Wilhoit, beloved kicker. I would be remiss if I did not tell you that Rod Smart, aka “He Hate Me” of Western Kentucky and the XFL is also on our protected list.

So even though they’ve just told us all that we have Tee Martin, Tennessee uses its first pick TO TAKE A FUCKING QUARTERBACK. Way to show some confidence in your man, Andy Kelly.

I wish my obituary could start with “…loving husband, devoted father, beloved kicker.” I occasionally daydream about what it would’ve been like if I tried to get on my high school’s football team (go Eagles!) as a kicker, and I now have further reason to rue the fact that I was small, relatively uncoordinated, and arty. Anyhoo, another quick gem:

1:40 The overall atmosphere is sad, desolate, and full of barely repressed fury simmering under the surface, with a healthy amount of flop sweat. From now on, I’m referring to this place as the Brady Quinn NFL Draft Experience.

1:52 Eric Crouch…how art the mighty fallen. Lethargic applause from even the most dedicated Texas fans.

I mentioned this in Holly’s comment section, but it bears repeating: I occasionally still have nightmares from the 2000 Alamo Bowl. If The Mighty Zak Kustok could be involved somehow, the circle could be complete.

Also, Chris Leak apparently won’t be competing with Kyle Orton or Rex Grossman for the Bears’ QB spot, so… yikes.

So, the All-American Football League: football, in the Spring, played on normal – collegiate! – fields without gimmicks. I’m curious to see what 2,000 fans in the Big House looks like. Vis a vis the AFL: Commissioner Hagrid could totally beat up the AAFL Board of Managers, though maybe not all at once. I figure Jack Lengyel is pretty scrappy. More football year-round is a good thing, and I don’t really think this is going to take anything away from the AFL. So, abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

[If deserts had a rainy season they’d be called something else: Live from the AAFL Draft] – Snarkastic.com

Thanks, Holly and Livia.

Our 4 Off-Season Readers, Toledo Needs YOU!

8 01 2008

Toledo Has a Pretty Stadium

It’s not often that we discuss af2 stuff, because we know barely enough about Arena Football Prime to avoid sounding like drooling asylum escapees. However, the announcement that the City of Toledo needs assistance naming their team compels me to emerge from my off-season slumber, climb into my AFL minaret (it’s half the height of normal ones), and raise the call to help embryonic Lucas County Commissioner Ben Konop.

Konop posted a request for ideas on his blog, and, by God, he deserves our help. The leaders at the moment, according to the mighty Toledo Blade are the Walleye and the Woodpeckers. No wonder Big Ben wants our help. It’s mentioned immediately in the comments that the idea of people chanting “Lets go, ‘Peckers,” is one that makes you go “…ehh…” Though, The University of South Carolina does a brisk business in “Cocks” hats, and there are certainly enough douchebags, high schoolers, and those inhabiting the the Venn Diagram union of those two groups for there to be a market for both “Cocks” AND “Peckers” hats. But I digress. In the comments section, so far the suggestions include: the Panes (Glas City, y’all), various frog-based names, Pride, Mudogs (?), Shards, Jeep-based name, and the snarkiest answer, “The Pathetic Lucas County Government Diversions.”


Reading the suggestions kind of broke my brain, so I open the floor to suggestions.

P.S. Kirk Herbstreit was on Pardon the Interruption yesterday, and the video screen attached to the Superdome was imploring people to order their VooDoo season tickets. NATIONAL ADVERTISING, MY FRIENDS.