Week 16 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows: Gary Horton reads us!

20 06 2008

Grampa Gary? The only photos we could find on Google were from our own site

“Make my grandkids call me!”

Imagine my surprise earlier this morning heading over to tWWL for Gary “Actually, I’m Not Andy Rooney” Horton’s weekly AFL Power Rankings, and low and behold, he also had a diatribe similar to my own (but with less swears and contemporary references to a heliocentric universe) regarding the pitiful state of the AFL’s playoff setup. What we BOTH advocate: admission by overall record first! No losing-record teams in the playoffs! Turn down that hipster music!

Also, before the jump to Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fight, more photographic evidence that Utah QB Joe Germaine always looks the same.


Okay, this is just starting to get strange. Like that Lindsay Lohan compilation.

AFL Power Rankings (Week 17)

1. Philadelphia Soul (12-3) | Previous: 1 | Week 16: Beat Cleveland 62-61 | Next: at New York
Defensive back Eddie Moten made a game-saving interception on the last play of the game to keep the Soul’s hopes of having home field advantage in the playoffs alive. The Soul defense held a good Gladiators offense to 2 for 8 on third and fourth downs and QB Matt D’Orazio used his arm and feet to make enough offensive plays. Bill Belichik would like Eddie Moten to give a lecture to his secondary.

2. Dallas Desperados (12-3) | Previous: 2 | Week 16: Beat New York 51-49 | Next: at Chicago
Dallas played great defense in the first half, holding a good New York offense only two touchdowns, and also made two excellent fourth-quarter stops to preserve the important win. The defense also bailed out the Desperados’ up-and-down offense that struggled in the second half. Your defense bailed you out, Dr. Dolezel? Two words. Mal. Practice. That’s actually one word, you say? Kiss my nuts, I say.

3. Georgia Force (10-5) | Previous: 5 | Week 16: Beat Chicago 50-47 | Next: at San Jose
It was close, but the Force edged the Rush in front of a huge home crowd and clinched their third Southern Division crown in four years. QB Chris Greisen did a nice job of spreading the ball around to all of his receivers and Georgia’s defense applied solid pressure with one sack and three tackles for loss. My mother was right – good things come to those who share.

4. San Jose SaberCats (10-5) | Previous: 4 | Week 16: Beat Tampa Bay 73-70 | Next: vs. Georgia
The SaberCats won an old-fashioned, offensive shootout and continued their seemingly annual late-season surge. QB Mark Grieb threw nine TD passes, but the usually-stout San Jose defense struggled to make stops and a good offensive line struggled to protect Grieb. Brett Dietz threw ten [tear].

5. Chicago Rush (10-5) | Previous: 3 | Week 16: Lost to Georgia 50-47 | Next: vs. Dallas
The Rush just hasn’t looked like the same explosive team we saw earlier in the season, although winning at Georgia is not an easy task. QB Russ Michna was solid, but he didn’t get his usual great offensive line protection and the offense just couldn’t make key plays late when it needed them. No mention of the oddest story we’ve ever covered ever? For shame.

6. Orlando Predators (9-7) | Previous: 10 | Week 16: Beat New Orleans 51-49 | Next: Bye
The Predators played great defense in the first and fourth quarters, but struggled in the middle of the game and their offense could not capitalize on several key defensive stops. Still, this game belonged to the defense. Pretty common theme here this year – Orlando plays decent for about half the game and craps out for the remainder, and still manages a winning record. Kind of how I feel about season 3 of “Arrested Development”.

7. Cleveland Gladiators (8-7) | Previous: 6 | Week 16: Lost to Philadelphia 62-61 | Next: vs. Columbus
The Gladiators played hard in a game they really needed to win, but fell short when they missed a last-second, two-point conversion. QB Raymond Philyaw played well, but was under a lot of pressure from the Soul pass rush. The Cleveland D did a nice job against the explosive Soul offense. KOSAR ANGRY KOSAR SMASH KOSAR TAKE OUT NARROW LOSS ON TRAGIC OPPONENT NEXT WEEK

8. New York Dragons (8-7) | Previous: 7 | Week 16: Lost to Dallas 51-49 | Next: vs. Philadelphia
The New York offense really struggled versus the excellent Dallas defense, especially in the first half, and couldn’t convert enough plays late in the game. Still, the Dragons defense played well enough to win. Actually, from the score, it would seem that the defense played well enough to lose.

9. New Orleans VooDoo (8-7) | Previous: 8 | Week 16: Lost to Orlando 51-49 | Next: vs. Grand Rapids
The VooDoo played well in the middle of the game, but a fourth-quarter fumble by Danny Wimprine led to a safety and New Orleans couldn’t overcome it. While the VooDoo defense played well enough to win, the fact the offense was just just 3 for 10 on third and fourth down conversions hurt. Again. If the team loses, the defense did not play well enough to win.

10. Arizona Rattlers (8-7) | Previous Rank: 9 | Week 16: Lost to Colorado 62-55 | Next: vs. Utah
The Rattlers were sloppy early with turnovers that put them in a big hole at halftime. They did fight back with a great fourth-quarter rally, but came in short in a game that had no bearing on their playoff status. They showed some character in the second half, but this was not a good effort from a team that has shown great resiliency for most of the year. You just let Colorado into the playoffs? I may have to destroy this entire team (no offense, Fez). Please don’t let Utah get more than half as many wins as loses.

11. Tampa Bay Storm (7-8) | Previous: 11 | Week 16: Lost to San Jose 73-70 | Next: vs. L.A.
Tampa Bay needed this game and gave San Jose everything it could handle before dropping a close one. QB Brett Deitz was excellent with 10 touchdown passes, but the offensive line struggled in pass protection and the Storm defense couldn’t make key stops when needed. We’re pouring out our 40’s for Tampa Bay, which are frustratingly landing in the mouth of UTAH.

12. Utah Blaze (5-10) | Previous: 12 | Week 16: Bye | Next: at Arizona
The Blaze took advantage of a late-season bye to get ready for a huge road game at Arizona with a trip to the playoffs in the balance. The Blaze are an outstanding, explosive offense led by QB Joe Germaine, and when their defense plays even adequately they are tough to beat. The Blaze will give Arizona all it can handle.

13. Colorado Crush (5-10) | Previous: 15 | Week 16: Beat Arizona 62-55 | Next: vs. K.C.
The Crush kept their playoff hopes alive with a big win over Arizona. Their defense created early turnovers and held off a late Rattlers comeback. QB John Dutton also played a good game. Subject verb sentences are interesting. Elway’s team is mediocre. I have nothing more to say.

14. Los Angeles Avengers (5-10) | Previous: 14 | Week 16: Beat K.C. 51-48 | Next: at Tampa Bay
The Avengers kept their playoff hopes alive with a gutsy effort, especially late in the game. Their much-criticized defense finally played with emotion, pressured K.C. QB Quincy Carter and dominated a bad Brigade offense. This is kind of like this one time in high school where this dorky guy, to prove he wasn’t a sissy, picked a fight with a smaller, dorkier guy, and barely won the fight. For the record, I was neither of those guys. Also for the record, that never actually happened, but if it did, it would make for a great parallel.

15. Grand Rapids Rampage (5-10) | Previous: 13 | Week 16: Beat Columbus 63-60 | Next: at N.O.
The Rampage offense scored nine touchdowns, including two kickoff returns for TDs by Chris Martin, but it took some quality defensive stops to steal a win in a very competitive game. Not only that, but Chris Martin returns with an album leaps and bounds better than “X & Y”! /ducks chair //shits pants

16. Columbus Destroyers (3-12) | Previous: 16 | Week 16: Lost to G. Rapids 63-60 | Next: at Cleveland
QB Matt Nagy played his usual solid game with six touchdown passes and 341 yards. The Destroyers defense applied solid pressure but just couldn’t make a critical play late. This team continues to lose the close games. If Nagy legitimately didn’t shave his beard from last year until he won an Arena Bowl, he’ll have a king-sized comforter before he has a shot at the playoffs next year.

17. Kansas City Brigade (3-12) | Previous: 17 | Week 16: Lost to L.A. 51-48 | Next: vs. Colorado
A bad Kansas City pass offense was constantly pressured by a so-so Los Angeles defense and QB Quincy Carter continues to struggle along with a porous offensive line. The Brigade defense kept them in the game, but their slim playoff hopes are now gone. What’s ridiculous about this is that 11 losses isn’t enough to put a nail in your playoff coffin when you’re in the American Conference.



MMMkay, time to make a supersafe non-sexy pick so I don’t slide ass-backwards into the playoffs…

[crossing fingers]

New Orleans over Grand Rapids?



Colorado, your Rocky Mountain High is more like Rocky Mountain Sucky-to-Mediocre. Kansas City, you’ve been flooded – with a tragically sub-par indoor football team. Let’s keep it clean and try not to mess up each other’s uniforms too much, okay?




4 responses

20 06 2008

According to Firefox, Tampa Bay is 7-and-Sunglasses Emoticon. Is this like the St. Paul Saints honoring Prince with uni-symbols?

20 06 2008

No, no. That’s 7 minus Sunglasses Emoticon. It’s that new math.

20 06 2008

Damn WP modifies an 8 and ) as SunglassesEmoticon.

Of course, now I can’t change it b/c it’ll negate awesome comments, one of which I thought was a Beck reference until a Google search confirmed he didn’t make a song called “The New Math”, but two songs titled “The New Pollution” and “Black Math”.

If you’re into Beck, that is.

23 06 2008

No offense taken. I was at the game. Dreadful. Sauk sucked. I mean, come on, the guy was coaching three weeks ago, and now he’s better than The Smoker?

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