Ocho Cinco! Ocho Cinco!

27 03 2008

More Orange On the Front Page

More orange on the page! WAY more interesting than Ol’ Illinois What’s-His-Injury.

Okay, this may or may not have quasi-broken 10 days ago; that doesn’t make it any less interesting. It’s a well-known fact that Chad Johnson is cranky with his situation in Cincinnati, to the degree that he blew off the Bengals opening workouts this week. However, curious is the fact that he’d be willing to play anywhere else. Even… the Arena League? Why, yes, according to offhand statements on ESPN Radio.

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Whatever it is and where ever I am, it’s going to be something fun. You know what, I might be playing Arena ball. That’s the route I might have to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the silliest possible thing ever. We saw, with our own eyes, in perosn, Bobby Sippio leap into the stands after a touchdown, dance with fans, and then SPRINT back to his bench and dive over the boards to avoid a delay of game and/or too-many-men-on-the-field penalty on the extra point. That’s Bobby Sippio. He never made a public statement implying his desire to use a deer as a prop in a touchdown celebration. The Bleacher Report puts it best:

“Plus, the AFL, unlike the NFL, would most likely allow his dances and celebrations since they realize it’s entertainment and because well, they’re desperate for fans and would love to increase their ratings. I mean, the guy would be bringing in tons of fans and giving the league more media coverage than ever so I doubt they’d have a problem with him whipping out signs and Irish dancing.”

Commissioner Hagrid, when he handed out the 64-ton Arena Bowl trophy mentioned that the AFL stood for “All-Fun League.” the guy would be allowed to carry fireworks in his uniform if he wanted. He could wrap the ball in flash paper and set the thing on fire. He could leave the field, fly to Switzerland, put the ball in the Super Hadron Collider at CERN, and the AFL’d sent a camera crew after him and hold the game until he came back. And these are all inanimate objects! Do I see strippers involved in these touchdown celebrations? I certainly do.

Johnson wants to play in Dallas. Chris Sanders wanted to play for the Cowboys, too, but he didn’t get his wish. Maybe… nah. That’d be insane. But it’d be destination TV, that’s for certain. You want to get stupid, AFL fans? Root for further logjams in the Bengals front office.

(Note: This was originally referenced on the 18th of March on The Fanhouse. It was promptly forgotten about until The Bleacher Report and Under the Roof showed up in my Google Reader this afternoon. Hat tips all around.)


A Post About The Super Bowl

31 01 2008


If you’re curious, there are no AFL alumni playing in the Super Bowl. Not one. Go about your business. But, after the Super Bowl, we plan on resuming course towards the AFL season (Training camps are open! Yeah, I don’t care either until after the Super Bowl), with previews and stuff. We’ll be like a methadone clinic for football.

Also Still Football: The AAFL!

28 01 2008

Eric Crouch, “Renaissance” Man

Eric Crouch: A face of the All-American Football League

Hooray for more wacky football times! Livia, occasional and superb contributor to Snarkastic.com (the personal Internet empire of Holly, of Ladies… fame) snuck into the AAFL draft and found it to be a delightful Rube Goldberg device comprised of madness dressed in football uniforms. I shall excerpt, and link, for I can’t do the whole thing justice. My favorite bit: 

12:23 Team Tennessee introduces their protected players. My heart breaks a little when I see Tee Martin. Tee Martin: National Championship Quarterback, Peyton’s Successor, One Of Tennessee’s Greatest Players…reduced to this. He is not smiling. I don’t blame him. Former Vols on this list include Jason Mitchell, a linebacker, and James Wilhoit, beloved kicker. I would be remiss if I did not tell you that Rod Smart, aka “He Hate Me” of Western Kentucky and the XFL is also on our protected list.

So even though they’ve just told us all that we have Tee Martin, Tennessee uses its first pick TO TAKE A FUCKING QUARTERBACK. Way to show some confidence in your man, Andy Kelly.

I wish my obituary could start with “…loving husband, devoted father, beloved kicker.” I occasionally daydream about what it would’ve been like if I tried to get on my high school’s football team (go Eagles!) as a kicker, and I now have further reason to rue the fact that I was small, relatively uncoordinated, and arty. Anyhoo, another quick gem:

1:40 The overall atmosphere is sad, desolate, and full of barely repressed fury simmering under the surface, with a healthy amount of flop sweat. From now on, I’m referring to this place as the Brady Quinn NFL Draft Experience.

1:52 Eric Crouch…how art the mighty fallen. Lethargic applause from even the most dedicated Texas fans.

I mentioned this in Holly’s comment section, but it bears repeating: I occasionally still have nightmares from the 2000 Alamo Bowl. If The Mighty Zak Kustok could be involved somehow, the circle could be complete.

Also, Chris Leak apparently won’t be competing with Kyle Orton or Rex Grossman for the Bears’ QB spot, so… yikes.

So, the All-American Football League: football, in the Spring, played on normal – collegiate! – fields without gimmicks. I’m curious to see what 2,000 fans in the Big House looks like. Vis a vis the AFL: Commissioner Hagrid could totally beat up the AAFL Board of Managers, though maybe not all at once. I figure Jack Lengyel is pretty scrappy. More football year-round is a good thing, and I don’t really think this is going to take anything away from the AFL. So, abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

[If deserts had a rainy season they’d be called something else: Live from the AAFL Draft] – Snarkastic.com

Thanks, Holly and Livia.

It’s Still Football Puts the “Off” in “Offseason”

15 11 2007


We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs – delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:

Read the rest of this entry »

Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

8 10 2007

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.


Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]

Godspeed, Bobby Sippio

13 08 2007

Well, the puppy-devouring overlords at the Bankingdrome may have blocked WordPress, and Joe may be trapped under something heavy, but we must not let the fact that Chicago Rush Touchdown Machine Bobby Sippio is now Kansas City Chiefs Roster Invitee Bobby Sippio go unremarked-upon. Of course, I have a rehearsal to be at in 30 minutes, so this is basically all the remarks that we’ll be making. Other than this: it’s about damned time. Too late to be in Madden, but what the hell. Plus, it gives me a chance to try to embed the following, which never extremely gradually gets old.

Never fear, extended family of Brett Dietz, I’m sure your son/nephew/second cousin/in-law (congrats, by the way) is on someone’s list. I’m almost kind of serious about that. Hope you’re enjoying the archives.

I, for one, welcome our new Dutch overlords.

4 07 2007

Start about 3:00 in. As if you’ve never seen this.

[Editor’s note: don’t get all pissed off by this post. This is called ‘satire’]

I’m not sure how, but apparently, a Google of one sort another led a regular contributor to an NFLE Amsterdam Admirals message boardhere. The text next to the link to our humble blogging abode: “Staan veel links op de site naar AFL.” Which, according to Babel Fish, means “To stand much left on the site to AFL.” Perfectly clear. Does anyone speak Dutch? We’d love to know if our bump in traffic was friendly, like when Disney invaded France, or hostile, like… when Disney invaded France.

Anyhow, I have a few questions for our sadly-now-without-a-football-diversion dictators:

  • So… do y’all speak English?
  • Did we do anything good for you in WWI or WWII?
  • Is everything we heard about Amsterdam in Pulp Fiction true?
  • Is rooting for the Turku Trojans an acceptable substitute in your post NFLE world?
  • Can we refer to you as “Danish overlords” too, or does that mean we’ve been taken over by pastries?

Anyhow, our condolences on your loss, but at least you can make a trip to London this fall to see a battle between two NFL powerhouses. By which I mean the Miami Dolphins and the New York Giants.

Actually, both of those teams could probably get rocked by the Berlin Thunder (2-8, 0-5 at home). Which, incidentally, is where Travis Lulay ended up, since you asked.

Happy 4th of July, by the way. Go America.