Week 13 Power Rankings, Pillow Fights, and Picks: 4-8 is good enough

30 05 2008

Eh, it\'s good enough

I also don’t want to live in a world where a 4-8 team is a playoff contender.

I’m looking at you, Columbus, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Utah, Grand Rapids, and Colorado. Y’all are more inept at (indoor)(goofy) football than Sharon Stone is at displaying tact, or, for that matter, sanity. You suck more than the 21-day detox I’m starting tomorrow (shameless plug: keep up with that over here). You’re not even Zeppo Marx, you’re Gummo. Check in with us when you’ve won more than the 49ers did last season, mmmkay?

You know the drill: after the jump, ESPN’s Gary “Grampastein” Horton arbitrarily rates every team in the league, I’ll throw down a completely random and certifiably unreliable pick for your arena football betting needs, and a declaration of the worst matchupof the week (this week, it is glorious, even without the President’s daughters).


AFL Power Rankings (Week 14)

1. Dallas Desperados (10-2) | Previous: 3 | Week 13: Beat Orlando 67-41 | Next: at Cleveland
The Desperadosplayed a gutsy game in an impressive road win over Orlando. With 25-unanswered points in the third quarter that included two safeties and great special teams play, plus a gritty effort by Ironman Will Pettis (5 tackles, 1 receiving TD, 1 rushing TD, 1 passing TD, and 1 INT return for TD ), Dallas showed its character in a win that helps in the battle for playoff seeding. If Pettis had only kicked a field goal, he would have run the AFL circuit. In Unrelated News From the Future, Will Pettis Signed As Newest Addition to Dallas Cowboys.

2. Philadelphia Soul (10-3) | Previous: 2 | Week 13: Lost to Kansas City 57-47 | Next: Bye
The Soul are in a free fall as they suffered their third loss in four games. They let rookie QB D. Bryant play a mistake-free game versus their battered defense and botched a last-second play that could have tied the game. The good news is the Soul has a week off to regroup. Reached for comment, Bon Jovi said “It’s a sad song night. Ain’t nothing stops time like a sad song night. Sad song night.”

3. Chicago Rush (9-3) | Previous: 1 | Week 13: Lost to Utah 54-47 | Next: vs. Kansas City
The Rush appeared to be flat at Utah. Their usually explosive offense was not clicking, but the defense probably played well enough to win. As good as the Rush are, they are not good enough to mail it in and must avoid coasting to the playoffs. As commented earlier, I almost put $10 on the Rush to beat the spread (6 points). Let that be a lesson – gambling is bad for you unless you win (which I did on Eight Belles, so that was bad too).

4. San Jose SaberCats (8-5) | Previous: 5 | Week 13: Beat Colorado 59-42 | Next: at L.A.
The SaberCats got a big game from QB Mark Grieb(8 TD passes) and clinched their ninthplayoff berth in a row. San Jose’s defense held the Crush to 3-of-12 conversions on third- and fourth-downs and also broke up an incredible 10 Crush passes. Maybe the Crush were being distracted by the extraterrestrials in the stands?

5. Orlando Predators (8-5) | Previous: 4 | Week 13: Lost to Dallas 67-41 | Next: vs. Arizona
The Predators went cold in the third quarter as Dallas scored 25 unanswered points. The Orlando offensive line had its hands full and the Predators don’t seem to be stable at QB as Shane Stafford and Jake Eaton both played, but with only average results. Multiple QBs don’t work unless one is Chris Leak and the other is Tim Tebow and you’re playing an overhyped team from Ohio.

6. Georgia Force (7-5) | Previous: 8 | Week 13: Beat New Orleans 40-29 | Next: vs. Tampa Bay
The Force defense dominated this game with three key defensive stops in the fourth quarter and held a struggling New Orleans offense to only six points in the second half. Not one VooDoo receiver scored a TD. Georgia also got a solid effort from QB Chris Greisen as the Force are marching to the playoffs.

7. Cleveland Gladiators (7-5) | Previous: 7 | Week 13: Lost to Tampa Bay | Next: vs. Dallas
The Gladiators ran into a very hot Tampa Bay defense that held them to 202 passing yards, although QB Raymond Philyawplayed well despite a lot of defensive pressure by the Storm defensive line. The smaller Cleveland defensive backs really struggled to match-up physically withthe bigger Tampa Bay receivers.

8. New Orleans VooDoo (7-5) | Previous: 6 | Week 13: Lost to Georgia 40-29 | Next: vs. Columbus
The VooDoo continue to struggle and they showed no offensive explosiveness in a one sided loss to Georgia at home and they were shut out the last 19 minutes of the game and they did not have a TD by a WR and the New Orleans offense was only five for 13 on third and fourth down conversions. Grampa Gary refuses to use commas and thinks New Orleans didn’t play well enough to warrant more than one sentence and these damn kids these days need to get off my lawn.

9. New York Dragons (6-6) | Previous: 9 | Week 13: Lost to Columbus 43-41 | Next: at Colorado
The Dragons pass offense could not put enough explosive plays together, especially in the second half, even though QB Aaron Garcia put together a good statistical day over a Columbus defense that played better than expected. Plus, the usually aggressive Dragons defense did not put a lot of pressure on Columbus QB Matt Nagy. The Dragon Defense doesn’t inspire much confidence if they can’t harass a QB that’s protected by the equivalent of a Lifestyles rubber that’s been in your wallet since prom night in 1994.

10. Tampa Bay Storm (6-6) | Previous Rank: 10 | Week 13: Beat Cleveland 58-48 | Next: at Georgia
The Storm are winning right now with good defense and they have held their opponents to under 50 points for the third time in five games. Tampa Bay also received a solid game by QB Brett Dietz, who found seven different receivers in the win. Replace the slow chant “Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!” with “Brett-Dietz! Brett-Dietz! Brett-Dietz!”

11. Arizona Rattlers (6-6) | Previous: 11 | Week 13: Beat Grand rapids 52-48 | Next: at Orlando
The Rattlers are getting close to wrapping up an improbable playoff berth and they put together a strong fourth quarter to beat Grand Rapids. They got a good defensive effort with eight passes broken up and QB Jeff Smoker played a solid game. The only thing I would have believed from this recap in the preseason is “beat Grand Rapids”.

12. Colorado Crush (4-8)) | Previous: 12 | Week 13: Lost to San Jose 59-42 | Next: vs. New York
QB John Dutton put up decent numbers versus a good San Jose defense, but he could not get anything going in the fourth quarter. He struggled to make third- and fourth-down conversions (only 3 for 12) and also had 10 passes broken-up. 3 for 12 on 3rd and 4thdown and 10 broken-up passes equals decent numbers?

13. Utah Blaze (3-10) | Previous: 14 | Week 13: Beat Chicago 51-48 | Next: at Grand Rapids
The usually offensive-minded Blaze made some stops on defense and even played well on special teams to upset Chicago. This Joe Germaine-led offense keeps Utah’s improbable playoff hopes alive. If Utah sneaks into the playoffs with 10 losses, I’ll try to crossbreed a pig with a falcon.

14. Grand Rapids Rampage (3-9) | Previous: 15 | Week 13: Lost to Arizona 52-48 | Next: vs. Utah
The Rampage could not make enough plays in the fourth quarter and QB James MacPhersonhad eight passes broken up by an opportunistic Arizona defense. The Rattlersalso exposed the Grand Rapids defense with five rushing TDs. Fiverushing TDs? Grand Rapids, for shame.

15. Columbus Destroyers (3-9) | Previous: 16 | Week 13: Beat New York 43-41 | Next: at New Orleans
Columbus got solid a games on offense by QB Matt Nagy and WR C.J. Johnson and a strong defensive effort by DB Matt Thomas . The Destroyers held a usually-strong New York offense to only six points in the second half in a much-needed home win. You get no kudos on offense, but hat-tip for keeping Aaron Garcia quiet, Columbus D.

16. Kansas City Brigade (3-9) | Previous: 17 | Week 13: Beat Philadelphia 54-47 | Next: at Chicago
The usually underachieving Brigade played their best game of the year with an excellent performance by rookie QB D. Bryant and they made plays when they had to. This is a quality road win for a struggling team. I successfully crossbred the pig and falcon!

17. Los Angeles Avengers (4-8)) | Previous: 13 | Week 13: Bye | Next: vs. San Jose
Despite their mediocrity, the Avengers still look playoff bound in the watered down American Conference, but unless they regain stability at QB and also start making some defensive stops, they will be one and done in the postseason. Why does the AFL get so little love? Because a 4-8 team is “playoff bound”.


CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: I’d trumpet the 10-2 record on the season with a lot more glee if I didn’t pick gimmes every week (last week, it was San Jose over Colorado), so why should this week be any different?

Kansas City, get ready for a preview of your sure-to-be disastrous series with the White Sox when you face off with Chicago.


WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: On paper, this is the worst pairing in recent memory: the 3-10 Utah Blaze and the 3-9 Grand Rapids Rampage. The irony, of course, is that this game could be the highest-scoring of the week.




2 responses

30 05 2008

Joe- Anna appears to be much better looking that you are. No offense.

31 05 2008

None taken – she didn’t have to twist my arm to do this.

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