Are We Boned? Yeah, We’re Boned.

9 12 2008
Aieeeee! It's just like Pitcairn Island!

Aieeeee! It's just like Pitcairn Island!

Oh, dear Christ. We get bored and wander off for several months, and our “beloved” league is in jeopardy? We figured it was the idle chatter of a few of the we-blogs, and perhaps there was some financial difficulty … wait, where’d the VooDoo go? Well, that’s just Tom Benson, and he’s kind of a dick. The league is as sturdy as one of my favorite Chicago institutions, The Tribune Company. Oh, it’s not? Oh, crap. The Predators, sold? What are the guys we met in New Orleans going to do with their scary masks? Terrorize children [more often]?

You’ll tell me it’s all going to be okay, right, San Jose Mercury News? Gak. “WE WILL TAKE ON ALL COMERS, FOR WE ARE INDESCRIBABLY WEALTHY,” is the campaign for the 2009 SaberCats, by the way. But what of The Dietz?  Certainly the Storm…

Despite reports of AFL troubles, Storm plods along

A ringing endorsement from the St. Petersburg Times-adjacent

What happened? Well, until I can get a detailed analysis from our in-house economist, let’s use broad strokes: David Baker’s AFL was growing, and had a deal with ESPN that was supposed to secure the league’s future. He left us. Heleftusheleftusheleftus. Lex-from-Jurassic-Park interlude over, the VooDoo crumble with little-to-no-notice. A deal with A Mysterious Equity Group falls apart. Talks, dispersal draft, and free agency are all postponed. No schedule?

Boned, boned, boned. Where are our cut-rate Woodward and Bernstein to follow the money? Where’d it go? Did the league expand too quickly under Baker, only to collapse like a dying star? A star that was interesting, but never really that bright in the first place? Colorado is one of the teams facing awkwardness, and they’ve been one of the sturdier teams, owned by John Elway. If Elway’s hurting, everybody’s hurting.


We don’t write for a while, and this is what it takes to put fingers to keys?

At least we didn’t come back for an epitaph.



Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

12 07 2008

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!

Week 4 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight conclude: Utah is terrible

27 03 2008
Chief tries to show a third-string DB how to get a takeaway
Chief tries to warm up a third-string DB with an easy takeaway
Utah is very, very bad. We know. You know it. Grampa Gary knows it. Bold faced smugness, CMRP, and Pillowfights agree after the jump. Also, forgive the hyphens between paragraphs, because WordPress has decided it’s a union-labor blog that’s taking its five-hour lunch break.
UPDATE/NOTE: Grampa Gary’s “Next” is, like, totally FUBAR. Read the rest of this entry »

I Missed Commisioner Baker’s Phone Call – It’s Probably For the Best

24 07 2007

Commissioner Baker is a big guyWell, I whiffed up and missed today’s “State of the League” conference call with Commisioner David Baker (right), because I haven’t learned my time zones. ET after the numbers means you go BACK AN HOUR, as it turns out. Soooooo, I failed those of you wondering if he would be on quaaludes like Darren Arbet or if he’d reminisce about the Great Depression like Doug Kay. I hope there’ll be a transcript of Baker’s call posted somewhere, and I hope that there will never be any evidence of yesterday’s call posted anywhere. I hope the tapes were destroyed, and the warehouse where the backups were kept burned, and the Internet scourged.

For all of you burgeoning journalists out there, a free tip: don’t waste 45-50 seconds explaining why you’re allowed to ask a question. If you must explain yourself – perhaps you’ve had a small stroke, and your reasoning skills aren’t up to snuff – don’t abruptly stop explaining yourself, only to then launch into the background to why you want to ask the question. Just ask the question. On the bright side, I got that out of my system. My falsetto also got a good workout, as my voice kept sliding higher and higher as I realized I was, journalistically speaking, in flames. Some woman screamed “MY BABY!” and over the crackling, you could hear an infant screaming. Then the building was struck by a dirigible. And the dirigible set upon by a dragon. And the dragon struck by lightning. And then they built a kerosene refinery on top of the rubble, and built the Oily Rag Depository next door. You know, metaphorically speaking.

At least Coach Kay didn’t tell me to get off of his call, or reach through the phone lines and slap me. He was actually much nicer to me and my rambling than he was to the guy who asked if he was having fun.

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

13 07 2007

Poor Dr. Dolezel

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn’t have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Read the rest of this entry »


2 07 2007

I promise not to make a pun using “crush”

Some thoughts on ball control, and specifically Kansas City’s final-drive-lack-there-of, after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

You got psyched by Peter King

15 05 2007

Better stats than Dr. Dolezel!

If you were hoping to catch a glimpse of the AFL’s Premiere WR, Bobby Sippio, tearing it up against Dallas last night on the illustrious ESPN2 after getting a tip from beloved curmudgeon Peter King, you were bound to be disappointed. Not only because you were watching the AFL on ESPN2, but because Bobby Sippio, lauded as “The AFL’s Jerry Rice” (only by us), suffered an ankle injury in the first quarter and saw only limited play.

We have to give it to Matt D’Orazio who, despite as we have previously mentioned seems largely ineffective without Sippio to throw to, managed to keep Chicago in the game and take the lead late in the 4th quarter. Dr. Dolezel, however, put Dallas up 52-48 with three seconds left. Would it have been a different game had Sippio been in? Probably.

Would Sippio have been injured had Peter King not advised a nation of pseudo-coffee-snobs to tune in? Knowing how superstitious Chicago sports fans can be, we can say, without a doubt, this is all King’s fault.