Weekend In Review: De…fense?

1 04 2008

Dick Butkus will eat your babies

Can you imagine the damage this man would do on a small field? The horror, the horror!

Defense was the word of the weekend in the Arena League. April fool’s! For real! New Orleans won on the strength of their cornerbacks, Chicago shut down Arizona, Dallas triumphed with a safety, and San Jose held the Brigade to under 40 points. We’re going for really impossible-to-pull-off ideas this week, so let’s see how much we can cram into RHYMING! COUPLET! RECAPS!

Click through if you want bad poetry. Or even if you don’t. It’s all we have today.

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¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

13 03 2008

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

Qui a coupe le fromage?

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

Adonde vas, Senor Baker?

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

What, Russia Not Good Enough For You?

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

Och! [Unintelligible Words with lots of Consonants]

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

Ah! It’s the Hun!

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

I Wish I Could Make a Coherent Avengers Reference

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Baker As Beefeater

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.

Brett Favre Retires With Ground Left To Make Up

5 03 2008

Brett Favre is Lit Dramatically

By now, it’s big old news that Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers announced his retirement, realizing that there was no way that he was going to bridge the 440-touchdown gap between himself and Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D. He finally made his peace with merely being better than Jay Gruden and Todd Hammel, and decided that it was time to permanently shift to lounging around on his sprawling Mississippi estate, leaving only the possibility of rolling around in piles of money to occupy his time.

It’s at this point that I’d like to start the rumor that he’s going to join the Orlando Predators in order to prove his dominance in all phases of football. Then he’s going to play for FC Dallas, and perhaps a couple seasons of rugby. Aussie Rules football? The baffling Celtic football? What is it at the end of the tunnel pictured above? ESPN makes it look like some sort of Renaissance painting of St. Francis of Assisi.

Seriously: let’s go with the idea that since his competitive streak can’t be capped, he’s going to play for the New Orleans Voodoo, because it’s close to home. And he’s going to play for free. And he has the stated goal of throwing 220 touchdowns this year. It’ll be great. It’s like he’s going to the football equivalent of a methadone clinic. “Brett, we’re going to get you to step down from competing gradually…”

Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

8 10 2007

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.


Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]

I Missed Commisioner Baker’s Phone Call – It’s Probably For the Best

24 07 2007

Commissioner Baker is a big guyWell, I whiffed up and missed today’s “State of the League” conference call with Commisioner David Baker (right), because I haven’t learned my time zones. ET after the numbers means you go BACK AN HOUR, as it turns out. Soooooo, I failed those of you wondering if he would be on quaaludes like Darren Arbet or if he’d reminisce about the Great Depression like Doug Kay. I hope there’ll be a transcript of Baker’s call posted somewhere, and I hope that there will never be any evidence of yesterday’s call posted anywhere. I hope the tapes were destroyed, and the warehouse where the backups were kept burned, and the Internet scourged.

For all of you burgeoning journalists out there, a free tip: don’t waste 45-50 seconds explaining why you’re allowed to ask a question. If you must explain yourself – perhaps you’ve had a small stroke, and your reasoning skills aren’t up to snuff – don’t abruptly stop explaining yourself, only to then launch into the background to why you want to ask the question. Just ask the question. On the bright side, I got that out of my system. My falsetto also got a good workout, as my voice kept sliding higher and higher as I realized I was, journalistically speaking, in flames. Some woman screamed “MY BABY!” and over the crackling, you could hear an infant screaming. Then the building was struck by a dirigible. And the dirigible set upon by a dragon. And the dragon struck by lightning. And then they built a kerosene refinery on top of the rubble, and built the Oily Rag Depository next door. You know, metaphorically speaking.

At least Coach Kay didn’t tell me to get off of his call, or reach through the phone lines and slap me. He was actually much nicer to me and my rambling than he was to the guy who asked if he was having fun.

Topical? No. Self-Serving? Um, Yeah.

11 06 2007

Good news, It’s Still Football Readers! Both members of the editorial cabal survived the first round of the Ladies… Gauntlet of Eventual Shame. I, for reasons that involve Higher Maths, got relocated to the Campbell Conference Region. So, look for me there, where I am contending against Tom, an NFL Fanhouse writer. That’s personally troubling, as they are, on the whole, rather talented. However, I remain a brooding actor in my picture. Look how deep I am!

J Fizzle remains in the Mid-Atlantic Conference and matches up against Precious Roy from Kermit the Blog. [Co-editor’s note: seriously, read his post – you’ll get four credits for intermediate statistics at any accredited university. Plus, Barry Bonds can suck our collective nuts] Hey, Roy, nice Godot joke; we’ll just be hiding in these trash cans, waiting to make our Samuel Beckett references. However, I’m not sure if we have any response to your statistical analysis. I’ll let JF handle that. [Co-editor’s note: see above. Barry Bonds can suck our collective nuts – JFiz]

[UPDATE: Roy made a few (deserved) pokes at your black-and-white photographed editor, and as you can see in the comments section it’s all in good fun – I’m squared off against a gentleman and a scholar, who happens to be one hell of a writer and completely right about my handle]

Now, mobilize, you several dozen denizens of the It’s Still Football Nation Municipality Rural Area! As Aristotle said: “Vote or die!”

Breaking: Ladies(…) Not Repulsed By Arena Football

6 06 2007

This morning, I woke up to two exciting things: first, a family of rabid wolverines has taken up residence in my throat and they’ve decided to renovate using pointed sticks. Second, the Ladies… Hot Blogger Bracket is out, and your esteemed editors are in! And seeded rather favorably, I might add!

J said, “considering I submitted kind of a weak post, and my pic makes me look vaguely like a serial killer or at least big D&D fanatic, I’m thrilled to be in,” which I think is being a little hard on himself. I think he was criminally underseeded, and I’m criminally overseeded, but that’s neither here nor there. I think I got bonus points for using my picture as Einstein in Picasso at the Lapin Agile.

I’m in the Region of Death – it’s insane. I almost listed and linked the dozen people in that region that I’m terrified of, but I figured that wouldn’t be sporting. Or something. Joe’s in an equally dangerous region, but I don’t feel like it’s quite as stacked.

So, yeah, vote for us! You can read other reasons why you should do so in the post where we compared ourselves to James K. Polk. Where, oddly, J Fizzle also references D&D. Hm… What level elf mage are you, sir? Also, for your enjoyment, after the jump, our entry e-mail.

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