Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

12 07 2008

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!


Monday Night (Arena) Football Liveblog: Philly at Georgia

12 05 2008

So, as we’re all well aware, there’s a crazy gimmick for tonight’s MN(A)F game: your announcing crew is… everybody! We’re going to try to document this disaster. My theory: train wreck that a plane crashes on to, the wreckage of which is loaded onto a tanker which runs aground in the Aleutian Islands, and everyone who isn’t eaten by polar bears is picked up by a zeppelin that explodes.

Other analysis: Philadelphia by 17. Georgia has been awkwardly stumbling from game to game on defense, and hasn’t really found a rhythm on offense. Philadelphia is (a) operating like a surgeon and (b) irritated about letting their guard down last week. Let’s see what happens.

We’re also going to try this liveblogging software thing, and if it works, great, if it doesn’t… Sorry, four people.

If you’re interested, do this thing:

Okay, you should be seeing frames, and you’re probably not. Work, dammit! And if it doesn’t end up working, go here: LIVEBLOG!

That was fun. My thoughts, from the end of the liveblog were thusly:
I think we were best served when Ray was commenting by himself. Also, if we could get a more judicious use of the microphones, instead of “Hey, it’s the guys on the field all the time: isn’t that weeeeeeirrrrd?” that’d be great. Stick Ray on the sidelines, because that was cool, but let him talk more.

The game was a solid B+ (Philadelphia played pretty sloppily), and the experiment a B or B-.

Brett Favre Retires With Ground Left To Make Up

5 03 2008

Brett Favre is Lit Dramatically

By now, it’s big old news that Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers announced his retirement, realizing that there was no way that he was going to bridge the 440-touchdown gap between himself and Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D. He finally made his peace with merely being better than Jay Gruden and Todd Hammel, and decided that it was time to permanently shift to lounging around on his sprawling Mississippi estate, leaving only the possibility of rolling around in piles of money to occupy his time.

It’s at this point that I’d like to start the rumor that he’s going to join the Orlando Predators in order to prove his dominance in all phases of football. Then he’s going to play for FC Dallas, and perhaps a couple seasons of rugby. Aussie Rules football? The baffling Celtic football? What is it at the end of the tunnel pictured above? ESPN makes it look like some sort of Renaissance painting of St. Francis of Assisi.

Seriously: let’s go with the idea that since his competitive streak can’t be capped, he’s going to play for the New Orleans Voodoo, because it’s close to home. And he’s going to play for free. And he has the stated goal of throwing 220 touchdowns this year. It’ll be great. It’s like he’s going to the football equivalent of a methadone clinic. “Brett, we’re going to get you to step down from competing gradually…”

We Were Wronger Than Wrong (Part Infinity)

18 07 2007

What? Really? This isn’t some photoshop trickery?

The reason we invented the “No Shit, This Team Is STILL In the Playoffs” tag

The Chase: it’s what we’re going to cut to.

Columbus does not suck nearly as much as was originally implied, and Georgia imploded like an elderly star whose core just turned to iron. My 7th grade science teacher is going to be thrilled that I was able to force that simile. So, we spectacularly blew that one. I’m going to own up to my particularly egregious error of continuing to metaphorically give The Scrappy (But Rattled) Chris Greisen wet sloppy puppy kisses for two months in a row. He was – and I shudder to say this – soundly outplayed by Matt “Crankypants” Nagy. I wouldn’t say they were outschemed, because every time ESPN cut to the bench, the Georgia staff looked calm and collected, took a couple seconds to collect their thoughts, and agreed on a reasonable play, while the Columbus bench looked like the end of Trading Places.

What play do you want to run?

Murphy and Akroyd, puzzled as to why I can’t think of a more contemporary reference.

In any event, Columbus eaten by the star of Alien that wasn’t Sigourney Weaver? Not so much. Georgia waltzing into New Orleans? Also not so much. Columbus “fueled by the scorn of a nation,” moving on? I’d like to hope so. I like to think that Coach Walrus printed out It’s Still Football mockery and used it as bulletin board material, because that’d be outstanding, but unlikely. The best summation of the game just arrived from the Backhanded Compliments Department: in a mistake-filled championship game (poor tackling on special teams, wild quarterbacks, blown coverages, questionable decision-making) on both sides, Columbus was able to take more advantage. Perhaps they’re more used to overcoming mistakes? (Zing!)

On the other hand, aside from my sissy vacillating at the time of prediction, we pretty much nailed the preview of Chicago/San Jose. We both wanted Chicago to win, but knew better. And Matt D’Orazio’s back was the factor – who knows what would’ve happened had Coach Ho taken him out earlier, but you have to dance with the date that brung ya’, as they with questionable grammar skills say. Though we were dead wrong about it being the most exciting game since the invention of end zone nets – the Columbus/Georgia game was much more exciting. Weirdly, both games brought up some variation of “Guys, there isn’t that much time left, could we get up to the line with some urgency?” Without D’Orazio at 100%, Chicago just couldn’t keep up. Michna did yeoman’s work, but he wasn’t going to lead a comeback of the magnitude that Chicago needed. They needed a pick-six or some kind of defensive back-breaking that didn’t happen, and the Northwestern Wildcats Memorial Onside-Kick-Returned-By-the-Recieving-Team-For-a-Touchdown Play certainly didn’t help.

So, there you have it. We got stuff wrong again, but we’re okay with that.

P.S. Exciting news to come this afternoon for the ISF team…


12 06 2007

Could he be the AFL’s Tom Brady?

Brett Dietz.

Brett Dietz.

Brett Dietz. Read the rest of this entry »

Power Rankings Translated, For Your Convenience

1 06 2007

So… what are Scouts, Inc. really saying about the AFL? Here. I’ve translated. Now I’m going to burn my office to the ground. J Fizzle’s, too. As a favor.

The rankings, after the link:

Read the rest of this entry »

Our Mission Statement, as Spoken by Jaws

27 04 2007

As has been made abundantly clear, we here at It’s Still Football had little-to-no exposure to the madness that is Arena Football before taking up the mantle of Premiere Arena Football Blog this season. The best reason we could come up with for engaging in this flight of fancy was “Hey, it’s still football…” This sentiment has been echoed (and given legitimacy?) by Ron “Jaws” Jaworski, Our Patron Saint For Now, in the USA Today, thusly:

“Jaworski understands that while the league features gimmicks that might offend a purist, it’s still football.”

Hey! That’s our name! And, it may not be a direct quote from Jaws, but I’m going to pretend it is. Hey, Jaws! Read our blog! It’s called what you said!

Anyway, the USA Today (Motto: “HEY, AMERICA! LOOK! GRAPHS! COLORS! SHINY! I LOVE LAMP!”) threw down an article suggesting that Arena Football could be America’s 5th Major Sport. They published this article up about two weeks ago, so, once again, we have our finger firmly on the pulse of something else … ladies …  Anyhoo, the AFL slides in behind For-Reals Football, Baseball, Basketball, and Hockey. Setting aside for a moment my own personal torch-carrying for hockey, allow me to say: that sounds reasonable. Really. I make The Fun, but the AFL is competing for the Quint Spot with, what, soccer? Golf? The MLS is crazy popular in Chicago (Polish and Spanish-speakers love the Fire), as well as Los Angeles (two teams, no waiting, one of whom has David Beckham), but it’s not really taking hold with RV-Driving, 2nd-Amendment-Loving, Terrorist-Hunting Random Americans. And the PGA captures the imagination of people dozing off on the couch 4 Sundays out of the year. So, really the question ought to be “Are there 5 major sports in America?” For that matter, are there 4 major sports in America? Hockey may have been demoted to Mid-Major sports, where I contend the PGA, MLS, AFL, minor-league baseball and WNBA currently reside, and that which Major League Lacrosse, the NBDL, professional softball, and, I don’t know, Pro Bowling or Full-Contact Jai Alai aspire to join.

We’re going to figure out how popular the AFL actually is in Chicago on Monday, as we venture to Allstate Arena (which I’m going to call the Rosemont Horizon, just like I force references to Comiskey Park, the Oriental Theatre, and Weeghman Park.) to see the Rush take on the Asspirates Buttpirates Soul. Hopefully, we’ll come away with a souvenir, and maybe take a picture with Jaws. Who, it occurs to me now, will have been in New York for the NFL Draft, so if he shows up to his team’s away game, I’ll be decently surprised.

This post kind of got away from me, so if you got this far through my stream-of-consciousness rambling, congratulations. Buy yourself a cookie or something. Treat yourself.

Full disclosure, vis a vis “Premiere Arena Football Blog” status: we’re also the sole Arena Football Blog, as far as I can tell. AOL Fan-Heezy (can I say “heezy”?) has two posts tagged under “Arena Football.” Disquietingly, we’re not really showing up when you google Arena Football Blog. So… if you’ll pardon me for a second:

Arena Football Blog Arena Football Blog google Arena Football Blog Arena Football Blog Google Arena Football Blog Arena Football Blog GOOGLE Arena Football Blog Arena Football Blog Arena Football Blog.