The IRONY: Arizona “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch update

31 03 2008
The IRONY! The BONNER!

Arizona Rattlers, do you recognize this man?

He’s a guy that goes by the name of Bonner. Sherdrick Bonner. He likes his Red Hots with mustard, pickles, and tomatoes, not on a tortilla with refried beans, and dropped you to 2-3 Friday night.

Arizona fans, you’re six losses away from getting your season ticket money refunded.

Enjoy Jeff Smoker and upcoming games against Tampa Bay (Dietz!Dietz!Dietz!), New Orleans (4 game winning streak!), and Dallas (punky backup QB to be replaced by The Doctor) to get you on your way!

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What On Earth We Can Expect: The Chicago Rush

13 02 2008

This Logo Is Great

I was going to use the Chicago flag, and claim that the stars represent Fort Dearborn, the Columbian Exposition*, the Great Chicago Fire, and Ditka. But this logo rocks my socks consistently, and it’s a crime against design and nature that the IOC were babies about using their precious flame in the logo. I – and I am not making this up – have sat up in bed in the middle of the night furious that this logo can’t be used. DisGRACEful.

Facts:

  • American Conference Western Division
  • Arena Bowl Champions: 2006
  • Allstate Arena/Rosemont Horizon conveniently located near really cool movie theater that I desperately want to go to.
  • Last year’s record: 12-4 (1st), lost to San Jose in conference championship game.
  • Ditka.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

This might be the team that’s helped most by the rule change that says the Jack linebacker can roam sideline to sideline. Perhaps you’ve heard of DeJuan Alfonzo? Speedy guy, hits really friggin’ hard? In fact, if memory serves, the Chicago defense as a whole seems to pride themselves on causing grievous bodily harm to opponents. (Grievous being another good middle name for Earnest Certain.) To whom it may concern: expect turnovers. In other news, the Rush have been one of the powerhouses in the conference for the past several years, and the moves they were forced to make by Matt D’Orazio’s bad back (Sherdrick Bonner) and by Bobby Sippio’s decision to make the leap to the Chiefs’ special teams (Damien Harrell) unit are pretty much the only way to have reloaded in those areas. Also, did I mention that The Alfonzo can do whatever he wants now? He can line up in the backfield. He can run onto the field from the stands. He can climb the end zone nets and fall on people from great heights. He’s allowed to be armed with a poleaxe. He can piggyback on the radio feed into the opposing QB’s helmet and sing that irritating Corrs’ song as loud as he wants.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Free agent acquisition FB/LB Dan Alexander set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns with 41, and his 426 rushing yards is the second-best season total in history. He can also tell a “clean” version of “The Aristocrats.”
  • Mike Hohensee quietly upgraded to a bionic arm after his parking-lot mishap last year. Rookie Fullback Erik Arevalo has been assigned to make the neeneeNEENEENEE sound as Coach Ho moves.
  • Defensive Coordinator Walt Housman is no relation to A.E. Housman, but did play him in the Arena League’s 2002 production of The Invention of Love.

The Good:

Hard-hitting defense. Damien Harrell was purported to be BETTER than Bobby Sippio by some humans. The resurgent Paul Edinger! Ditka.

The Bad:

Sherdrick Bonner may dissolve into a fine powder during the course of this year. They call him a “wily veteran,” because it’s rude to say “he’s really old.”

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, Lose to Storm in conference championship. Alfonzo wins an award. Maybe a BAFTA. I don’t know.

*Initially typed “Explosition,” which will become a word even if it means I have to get violent with some lexicographers. 





Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

8 10 2007

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.

Tony Graziani (Philadelphia): HEY! I THINK IT WAS A QUESTIONABLE DECISION TO BLOCK IN THAT MANNER BY TRENT, BUT ALSO WRONG FOR TRAVIS TO TAUNT A MOTIONLESS OPPONENT. ADDITIONALLY, I FIND TRAVIS’ APOLOGY LACKING. By the way, how’s my hair?

Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]