IT LIVES (Bon Jovi-less, and Distinctly Lacking Grudens)

16 02 2010

Perhaps you’ve noticed a subtle buzz around the water cooler; there’s a spring in your step, the source of which you can’t quite identify. The sun shines a little brighter, and strangers smile at each other in the street.

This is probably because olympic curling starts today in Vancouver.

Also, hey: the AFL is back! We don’t even have to call it Arena Football One (1) anymore! According to sources (a post forwarded to us at least twice), the old nomenclature was used on a conference call from the league. WOOOO. AIN’T NOTHIN’ STOPPING US NOW!

Albany, not part of the league, don't worry

Rising! Like a phoenix! Or a Firebird! Whatever!

We were going to wait until this clusterfuckery ended, and there were some actual games to be played, or data to be massaged, or characters to be assassinated, but whatever. There was a conference call! Kosar and Ditka are back! It’s a war! Indoors! On the floor! Petit four! Esprit de corps!

Who’s involved?

South Division: Alabama (Huntsville – space camp!) Vipers, Jacksonville Sharks (Al Pacino-coached), Orlando Predators (Now with Zero Grudens),  Tampa Bay Storm (Brett Dietz!)

Southwest Division: Bossier-Shreveport (LA) Battle Wings (served with a side of bleu cheese dressing), Dallas Vigilantes (Dr. Dolezel bought the name Desperado for his own perpetual use, thank you), Oklahoma City Yard Dogz (I will never use this name), Tulsa Talons (formerly the Pittsburgh Phlanges)

Midwest Division: Chicago Rush (Wooo! We’re getting the band back together!), Cleveland Gladiators (Wooo? We’re getting the band back together?), Iowa Barnstormers (Look, it’s not like Kurt Warner’s doing anything), Milwaukee Iron (Wooo. We’re getting the band back “together.” With Ringo’s kid playing the drums.)

West Division: Arizona Rattlers (I wonder if the money-back guarantee’s still good), Spokane Shock (more like shocked to find themselves in Spokane, am I right? Oh, let’s just get through this), Utah Blaze (who are currently holding open tryouts, and that’s really the only news of use on

Conspicuous by their absence: Jaws/Bon Jovi-owned Philadelphia Soul, only the current Arena Bowl Champions; Grudens; ESPN (Hooray? The NFL Network?); San Jose Sabercats and ol’ LazerQBVision; actual useful data.

On the other hand: football games, starting April 10. -ish.


The Utah Blaze – playoff contenders?

22 05 2008


WR Aaron Boone stares into the sky, where The Limit is

If you told us last week that the Utah Blaze, then at 2-9, were still looking to the playoffs, that is, the 2008 playoffs, I’d tell you the Utah Blaze were aptly named. Apparently, Danny White has suffered brain hemorrhages from the certain-repeat smashings of his own skull against the arena wall in frustration over this season:

Having put together back-to-back wins after a miserable 0-9 start to the season, the Utah Blaze truly have — believe it or not — put themselves back into the Arena Football League’s playoff chase… after two wins in a row, Blaze coach Danny White and Co. sound confident things can be different this time around.

“Morale is good, and it gets better with each win,” said White.

…Utah, meanwhile, doesn’t even necessarily have to win all of its last five games to make the playoffs. White believes three more wins — for five total — could be enough.”

Aside from believing the Blaze will have a shot at the playoffs with three wins out of their next four (Chicago, Grand Rapids, LA, and Arizona), Coach White also believes in The Secret, Santa Claus, and the presence of WMDs in Iraq.

Wait, who are their last four games against? Maybe it won’t be enough for the playoffs, but 5-11 doesn’t actually seem out of the question. If White believes in The Secret, all he has to do is wish!

Arizona Rattlers Owner Arrested

22 12 2007

Less funny than Da Coach: Robert Hernreich, part-owner of the Arizona Rattlers was arrested Thursday night on a domestic violence charge. I usually avoid regurgitating police blotter news, but my grandma called me and asked if I was going to say anything about it on “[my] Internet blog thing.” So, yeah. Happy holidays.