ESPN Is Doing An Arena Bowl Whatty-what?

25 07 2008

Well! This looks familiar.

Jiggly camera work? Silly questions? Athletes amusing themselves? Seen it… before… but… more awkwardly?

AH HA! ESPN! Well, since we can’t go, Mary Buckheit can appropriate our hand-held stumbling meme. NEXT YEAR, MARY: DUELING CAMCORDERS!


Ocho Cinco! Ocho Cinco!

27 03 2008

More Orange On the Front Page

More orange on the page! WAY more interesting than Ol’ Illinois What’s-His-Injury.

Okay, this may or may not have quasi-broken 10 days ago; that doesn’t make it any less interesting. It’s a well-known fact that Chad Johnson is cranky with his situation in Cincinnati, to the degree that he blew off the Bengals opening workouts this week. However, curious is the fact that he’d be willing to play anywhere else. Even… the Arena League? Why, yes, according to offhand statements on ESPN Radio.

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Whatever it is and where ever I am, it’s going to be something fun. You know what, I might be playing Arena ball. That’s the route I might have to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the silliest possible thing ever. We saw, with our own eyes, in perosn, Bobby Sippio leap into the stands after a touchdown, dance with fans, and then SPRINT back to his bench and dive over the boards to avoid a delay of game and/or too-many-men-on-the-field penalty on the extra point. That’s Bobby Sippio. He never made a public statement implying his desire to use a deer as a prop in a touchdown celebration. The Bleacher Report puts it best:

“Plus, the AFL, unlike the NFL, would most likely allow his dances and celebrations since they realize it’s entertainment and because well, they’re desperate for fans and would love to increase their ratings. I mean, the guy would be bringing in tons of fans and giving the league more media coverage than ever so I doubt they’d have a problem with him whipping out signs and Irish dancing.”

Commissioner Hagrid, when he handed out the 64-ton Arena Bowl trophy mentioned that the AFL stood for “All-Fun League.” the guy would be allowed to carry fireworks in his uniform if he wanted. He could wrap the ball in flash paper and set the thing on fire. He could leave the field, fly to Switzerland, put the ball in the Super Hadron Collider at CERN, and the AFL’d sent a camera crew after him and hold the game until he came back. And these are all inanimate objects! Do I see strippers involved in these touchdown celebrations? I certainly do.

Johnson wants to play in Dallas. Chris Sanders wanted to play for the Cowboys, too, but he didn’t get his wish. Maybe… nah. That’d be insane. But it’d be destination TV, that’s for certain. You want to get stupid, AFL fans? Root for further logjams in the Bengals front office.

(Note: This was originally referenced on the 18th of March on The Fanhouse. It was promptly forgotten about until The Bleacher Report and Under the Roof showed up in my Google Reader this afternoon. Hat tips all around.)

¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

13 03 2008

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

Qui a coupe le fromage?

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

Adonde vas, Senor Baker?

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

What, Russia Not Good Enough For You?

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

Och! [Unintelligible Words with lots of Consonants]

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

Ah! It’s the Hun!

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

I Wish I Could Make a Coherent Avengers Reference

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Baker As Beefeater

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.

Cleveland Whatevers owner’s wedding sort of like “Friends” pilot

24 01 2008

A questionable decision by Jim Ferraro, owner of the former Las Vegas Gladiators:

He left Las Vegas, understandable…

“This team has done nothing but lose money and games in Las Vegas. I’m out.

“What’s that? No, I’m not going to sell and cut my loses. I’m thinking of maybe just pulling up the ol’ stakes and relocating.

“I don’t know. Maybe a better town would be …Cleveland?”

An obviously dipshit move by Jim Ferraro, owner of the (current) Cleveland Gladiators:

He left this as well, not so understandable

“Do you, aging and greasy asswipe, take this incredibly attractive woman, Patricia Delinois, who happens to be the CEO of a major real-estate broker, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and put her before all other persons in your life – your parents, your children?*” (*actually said by presiding pastor)

“Meh. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Peace.”

Apparently he’s trying to woo her back after leaving her at the altar of an exclusive $100,000 wedding, and flowers and text messages aren’t working. Maybe if QB Jason Fife completes a Hail Mary to propel the Gladiators into the playoffs, she’ll take him back, provided he’s ready?

According to Ferraro, he thinks the story will probably have a happy ending. According to me, Ferraro should give me Patricia’s phone number. I button my shirts!

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

13 07 2007

Poor Dr. Dolezel

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn’t have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Read the rest of this entry »

Do you know who is interesting? Brett Dietz is interesting.

15 06 2007

Could he be the AFL’s Tom Brady?

Our good friends over at ArenaFan Online agree, which prompted an interesting email conversation between TC and myself following an alert tip from our boy Jason.

Jason (to tip line, including link to Arena Fan story): You guys know about this, I presume, and are just playing coy.  

TC (to me): Alternately, we’re idiots.

JFiz: There’s nothing here we didn’t know or write. Aside from him being a frontman for a Maroon 5 esqe band in college.

TC: Well, and he’s not from Finland.

JFiz: I could have told you that, dorkface.

TC: I thought he was actually FROM Finland.

JFiz: Your mom is from Finland.*

Which led me to reflect: I suppose I never actually mentioned that he grew up in Kentucky and played at Hanover College where he kicked some fo’ serious ass, but just marveled at the fact that he spent some of his time playing in Finland.

I’m sorry if I led you astray. My bad.

Error of omission on my part? Perhaps. Does this change the awesomeness that flows from Dietz like whiskey in Ireland or vomit on St. Patrick’s Day? Nay.

The only downside is he’ll never utter Garo Yepremian-esqe football platitudes, which in AFL terms, would probably be something like “I makes net ball!”. 

*Not actually emailed.

[Ed. note: Power Rankings, CMRP, and Pillow Fight will be posted in bonus weekend coverage! (read: I am fucked at work right now) Also, apparently you can listen to AFL chattah on Sirius radio. So, yeah.]

[TC note: I really didn’t know a lot of the stuff that was in that article, because I’ve been content to roll around like a dog in the knowledge that he played in Finland. I’m not very smart sometimes.]

[J Fiz note: because of the tremendous smirk I uttered at TC’s note, everyone in my office thinks I have Irritable Bowl Syndrome.]

Arena Bowl XXI tickets!

13 06 2007

Not actually a crowd of Arena Football fans

You can’t have any!

If you had planned on heading down to the Big Easy for Arena Bowl XXI (Official Motto: Holy Shit, We’ve Been Doing This For 21 Years?), the game is sold out, the first-ever for a neutral-site (AFL) championship game.

If you had your heart set on attending, it’s time to get your ass on the Ebays. I think TC and I will sit this one out, unless, of course, the AFLWA decides to sponsor us and set us up with a fat expense account to cover late night pizza orders needed to supplement heavy tequila drinking sessions with loose women and on-duty cops.

Yeah, we’ll be watching on ABC like everyone else.