What On Earth Can We Expect: The Cleveland “Gladiators”

20 02 2008

This Is Insane

Progress, Prosperity, and… two mysterious and arcane symbols. Seriously, Cleveland, what are those things? Rorschach blots?


  • National Conference Eastern Division Presented by Mitsubishi
  • Arena Bowl Championships: Not so much.
  • Formerly the Las Vegas Gladiators, the New Jersey Gladiators, and the New York New Jersey Red Dogs.
  • Last Year’s Record: 2-14 (Dead last, different conference, different division. But they would’ve been bringing up the rear in any of the divisions.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

This might not be that bad! Bernie Kosar’s a great guy to have on board, and may manage to counteract the apparent batshit mania of asbestos attorney and majority owner Jim “Personal Injury” Ferraro. The real good news is that GM Mike Levy grabbed some free agents that kind of know how to play the game. Hey: it’s Ray Philyaw! A competent quarterback! Cornelius Bonner? I think he made a positive impact in Grand Rapids! (Note: I actually looked this up. I was … kind of right? Offense? Defense? He does … stuff. I hate research. I much prefer my usual uninformed gibbering.) I can’t, for some reason, read the Cleveland Plain Dealer online, so I curse Cleveland. That’s how I end this paragraph. Curse you, Cleveland.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Bernie Kosar is excited about the direction that Cleveland’s going. I’ll buy it.
  • Donovan Arp’s surname comes from the final words of his great-great-great-great grandfather’s mortal enemy.
  • Rookie Richard Alston fled the flaming wreck of NFL Europa and is listed as one of ArenaFootball.com‘s rookies to watch. That’s promising. He belonged to the Cleveland Browns, so at least he doesn’t have to go very far. Except for the part about him playing in EUROPE.

The Good:

I believe Bernie Kosar when he says they’re in good shape. He has dancers wearing his jersey. They can’t be worse. I almost have math to back that up. They’ve upgraded in terms of talent. They have a rivalry trophy with Columbus! Rivalry trophies rock me in the manner of a tropical depression.

The Bad:

They’re still not great. They haven’t moved to an easier division. At all. Hi, Dallas, Philly, Columbus, and New York. They were 2-14 last year, and while I’ll freely admit that my knowledge of the ups-and-downs of this league is limited, that sounds like an uphill battle. They failed to rename themselves, and I was really hoping they would.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

4-12, not so much with the playoffs. Maybe 5-11. This was a hard prediction, because… I’m incompetent, I guess.


Better Know a Team: Defunct Edition, Part III

23 03 2007

The most useful information we could provide for the now in-progress season would be a little synopsis of the teams that play in the Arena Football League. So, clearly, I’m going to do something different. I’m going to choose teams that are no longer in the league, and mock them incessantly.

You might want to have this handy-dandy chronological chart open in another window, because it’s my cheat sheet, and it’s awesome. Now,  Part III, set in the Wild West, with the B Plot involving Christopher Lloyd falling for Mary Steenburgen.

 Oh, and don’t forget: The logos are graded on the Freaky Scale, where 1/10 is snazzy and classy, and you’d wear it to the Oscars and 10/10 is nausea-inducing and you wouldn’t wear it to the Cable ACE awards. Read the rest of this entry »