Yes, We Know: Ryan Perrilloux Is/Is Not Arena League Bound

6 05 2008

Because we would be remiss if we didn’t comment:

No, LSU quasi-semi-demi-proto-star Ryan Perrilloux is not going to play for the Grand Rapids Rampage, though they did take a flyer on equally wacky Adrian McPherson earlier this season. And Kansas City’s full to the brim with the meeting-shirking, alleged-drug-doing, bulky Quincy Carter to deal with “character issues” of this poor kid’s caliber. Concievably New York could use him (get away, Rohan Davey!), but who else? Back up Matt Nagy in Columbus? Back up Utah? Shake up LA?

Just go to Jacksonville State, Mr. 60-Million. You could be the best jaguar gamecock* in history**, and if you keep your nose clean, maybe get an education? It’d serve you better than the Arena League would. Not only is Grand Rapids uninterested, it would behoove any professional or semi-professional team to encourage you to make an effort get through college. (See also: the aforementioned Adrian McPherson, as well as Maurice Clarett, and others I can’t think of off the top of my head.) Fantasy College Blitz is more eloquent in their argument, and I mostly un-ironically used “keep your nose clean” two sentences ago, so I’m clearly not to be trusted, but my point and theirs boils down to the somewhat dull “don’t fuck up anymore.” 

*I’m an idiot!

**Anyone care to fact-check this?

[Update: I edited this to sound a little less moronic. Still: Perrilloux, don’t be a dumbass. Go back to school, get drafted, make an obscene amount of money, and then when it turns out you can’t quite hack it, play for the expansion Las Vegas Excess in 2010.]


Sort of Breaking: Quincy Carter Signed By Brigade

6 05 2008

“Nooooooo, spirit! No, no, no! Hear me! I’m not the man I was! Why show me this,
if I am past all hope?! Tell me that I can change these dreadful shadows
you’ve shown me by an altered life!”

Um, welcome back, Quincy Carter? You and The Bryant Who Can’t Afford A Full First Name can fight it out for the QB spot of the God-awful (sorry, gang, but it’s true) Kansas City Brigade. Maybe they’ll run the option! Wouldn’t that be totally fucking insane! You can tell that the Brigade are anxious for the Quincy Carter Era to begin by their press release. And by “anxious,” I mean, “filled with a deep anxiety.”

Lavonya Quintelle “Quincy” Carter has been no stranger to controversy. He began his NFL career with the Dallas Cowboys and was one of a string of short lived successors to Troy Aikman. He was released by Coach Bill Parcells for a failed drug test. He then played for the New York Jets and Coach Herm Edwards. At that time, ESPN’s Chris Mortenson reported that Carter was being treated for a bipolar disorder. After leading the Jets to the playoffs in 2004, Carter was admitted into drug rehab. At that time, former Jets head coach and current Kansas City Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said, “”Quincy has done everything and more that was asked of him. He came to work early, stayed late, and exhibited good character the entire time. When Chad Pennington was injured, Quincy stepped into a tough situation. If not for Quincy’s performance during that time, the Jets would not have made the playoffs. After being around Quincy this past year, not only can I say that he is a good football player, but I can also say that he is of good character,” Edwards said.

Phew. Well, I feel much better.

Wiki-Worthy: T.T. Toliver

9 04 2008

In this semi-regular series (which has been defunct since two installments in the 2007 season), we shall examine someone affiliated with the Arena Football League who meets Wikipedia’s strict standards for inclusion, and then attempt to either elaborate on the entry or make a joke about their alma mater or arrest record. Today, Orlando Predators WR Antoine “T.T.” Toliver. Read the rest of this entry »

They Care! Because Somebody Did Something Stupid!

7 04 2008

The weekend in review post is coming, but one thing had to happen first. The AFL got more than scant recognizance on ESPN! Woo! It took something outrageous to happen, like Orlando’s Elton Patterson blowing out his quad doing some sort of jig in the end zone to fire up the Predators faithful, but Kornheiser and Wilbon care! They actually care! Plus, this gives me an excuse to run the footage of his leg exploding.

Ah, youthful exuberance. It can happen to the best of us, right, Random Gramatica Brother?

Ocho Cinco! Ocho Cinco!

27 03 2008

More Orange On the Front Page

More orange on the page! WAY more interesting than Ol’ Illinois What’s-His-Injury.

Okay, this may or may not have quasi-broken 10 days ago; that doesn’t make it any less interesting. It’s a well-known fact that Chad Johnson is cranky with his situation in Cincinnati, to the degree that he blew off the Bengals opening workouts this week. However, curious is the fact that he’d be willing to play anywhere else. Even… the Arena League? Why, yes, according to offhand statements on ESPN Radio.

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Whatever it is and where ever I am, it’s going to be something fun. You know what, I might be playing Arena ball. That’s the route I might have to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the silliest possible thing ever. We saw, with our own eyes, in perosn, Bobby Sippio leap into the stands after a touchdown, dance with fans, and then SPRINT back to his bench and dive over the boards to avoid a delay of game and/or too-many-men-on-the-field penalty on the extra point. That’s Bobby Sippio. He never made a public statement implying his desire to use a deer as a prop in a touchdown celebration. The Bleacher Report puts it best:

“Plus, the AFL, unlike the NFL, would most likely allow his dances and celebrations since they realize it’s entertainment and because well, they’re desperate for fans and would love to increase their ratings. I mean, the guy would be bringing in tons of fans and giving the league more media coverage than ever so I doubt they’d have a problem with him whipping out signs and Irish dancing.”

Commissioner Hagrid, when he handed out the 64-ton Arena Bowl trophy mentioned that the AFL stood for “All-Fun League.” the guy would be allowed to carry fireworks in his uniform if he wanted. He could wrap the ball in flash paper and set the thing on fire. He could leave the field, fly to Switzerland, put the ball in the Super Hadron Collider at CERN, and the AFL’d sent a camera crew after him and hold the game until he came back. And these are all inanimate objects! Do I see strippers involved in these touchdown celebrations? I certainly do.

Johnson wants to play in Dallas. Chris Sanders wanted to play for the Cowboys, too, but he didn’t get his wish. Maybe… nah. That’d be insane. But it’d be destination TV, that’s for certain. You want to get stupid, AFL fans? Root for further logjams in the Bengals front office.

(Note: This was originally referenced on the 18th of March on The Fanhouse. It was promptly forgotten about until The Bleacher Report and Under the Roof showed up in my Google Reader this afternoon. Hat tips all around.)

¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

13 03 2008

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

Qui a coupe le fromage?

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

Adonde vas, Senor Baker?

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

What, Russia Not Good Enough For You?

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

Och! [Unintelligible Words with lots of Consonants]

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

Ah! It’s the Hun!

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

I Wish I Could Make a Coherent Avengers Reference

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Baker As Beefeater

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.

Cleveland Whatevers owner Jim Ferraro was right!

26 01 2008
Good sense!

Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland’s inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.

Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.