What On Earth Can We Expect: San Jose SaberCats

28 02 2008

thunderlolcats

Close, but no cigar.

Facts:

  • American Conference, Western Division
  • Reigning Arena Bowl XXI Champions, overall 2007 record 13-3
  • If you make a joke to Mark Grieb’s dad in the aftermath of the Arena Bowl about how his MVP son is using his degree in biochemistry from UC Davis and Masters in Education from Stanford in a very unconventional way, Mark Grieb’s dad will think you are a total asshat

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Count on more delight from the SaberCats in 2008. Long the favorite of TC, San Jose has a dapper head coach in Darren Arbet that’s able to get a lot out of his players, most notably, the aforementioned Absurdly Well-Educated Mark Grieb. Did TC and I really have a say in his MVP status in Arena Bowl XXI? That can’t actually be true [ed. note: it actually is]. Although San Jose lost a lot of talent in the offseason to trades and returning only a third of 2007’s squad to the roster, the roster does include Grieb, veteran WR James Roe, and WR/DB Jason “Rock You Like a Hurricane (alum)” Geathers. Could they pull a repeat? They have as good a chance as any as heading to New Orleans in July, but we’ll see for sure. Something you can take all the way to the bank, though, is the SaberKittens will make some horny old man think of a joke about them being welcome to their ‘scratching posts’ at least once a quarter.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Blatant homerism: OL William Obeng, DB Omarr Smith, QB Scott Rislov, and DB Trestin George all attended my mother’s alma matter, San Jose State
  • Grieb’s notorious Las Vegas Outlaws teammate, Rod “He Hate Me” Smart, is on the AAFL’s Team Tennessee. Relevant? Not in the slightest.

The Good:

Offense – tied with Dallas for most points scored in 2007. Even though I haven’t mentioned it, defense – #2 per points allowed. Coaching – Arbet’s won three Arena Bowls, offensive coordinator Terry Malley has been with the team since it’s inception in 1994. Dedicated rabid fan base armed with cowbells.

The Bad:

Expectations to pull a repeat. Grieb’s mobility out of the pocket could be an issue if his protection can’t handle the jack. Green and gold works, so long as they don’t go all yellow a-la Oregon State. Chicago in the playoffs.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Will the SaberCats improve on their 13-3 record? Will they face the Rush in the conference title game yet again? Will a 2049 Error close the HP Pavilion for good?

Maybe, possibly, and no.

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ALL HAIL OUR TRI-DIAMOND OVERLORDS

9 01 2008

One of us will learn Photoshop, because this is begging for a Photoshopped joke.

Owns you.

TOKYO, JAPAN – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Our most munificent and magnificent Captain of Industry, the honorable Chairman Takashi Nishika, has announced that Mitsubishi Motors will remain the Official Motorcar of the Imperialist American Arena Football Sporting League for the 2008 season, the 20th year of the Hiesei Dynasty! ALL GLORY TO OUR MANY FAR-REACHING TENDRILS! In the interest of further expanding the Greater Asian-and-Everywhere-Else-on-Earth Sports Co-Prosperity Sphere, Mitsubishi is also pleased to announce that in addition to the Mitsubishi National Conference, Mitsubishi American Conference, and their sub-groups, the Mitsubishi Eastern, Mitsubishi Southern, Mitsubishi Central, and Mitsubishi Western Divisions. Additionally, Mitsubishi has been resplendently been granted the rights to re-name Chicago Rush quarterback Sherdrick Bonner. Henceforth, he will be known as Lancer Evolution Bonner. It is also easier to remember how to spell; so smarmy American not-journalists will not have to look it up every time. Banzai!

Additionally, when played by school children, the Arena Football League (presented enthusiastically by Mitsubishi) game will employ a pass rush wherein all defensive players must count to “5-Mitsubishi” before crossing the line of scrimmage to pursue the quarterback. Any non-sponsored word can be punished by an automatic first down (now known as first “Galant”) and distribution of Ainu Burns by the wronged team.

Our economic victory is at hand! First the Arena Football League (presented in HD by Mitsubishi on Mitsubishi TVs delivered by Mitsubishi employees in Mitsubishi vehicles to Mitsubishi patrons. Mitsubishi.), then, in the same manner that we are quietly turning our Japanese Defense Force into actual armed forces, we will turn the Arena League into a sporting power!

NOTE: In related news, readers will remember that San Jose Sabercats quarterback Mark Grieb won a Mitsubishi Spyder as part of his Arena Bowl XXI MVP award (as voted on by the illustrious authors of It’s Still Football!), which he exchanged for an Outlander, because it’s more practical. We will not forget this, Mark. You are a nice guy, and you have laser-vision, but … really? Also, did I really throw a “bonzai” in there? TC = Classy.





Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

8 10 2007

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.

Tony Graziani (Philadelphia): HEY! I THINK IT WAS A QUESTIONABLE DECISION TO BLOCK IN THAT MANNER BY TRENT, BUT ALSO WRONG FOR TRAVIS TO TAUNT A MOTIONLESS OPPONENT. ADDITIONALLY, I FIND TRAVIS’ APOLOGY LACKING. By the way, how’s my hair?

Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]