It’s Still Football Puts the “Off” in “Offseason”

15 11 2007

 NEWS!

We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs – delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:

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Las Vegas Relocates! To Cleveland!

18 10 2007

Dear Ohio:

We think you need another Arena Football team to go along with the one in Columbus.

Love,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Dear Las Vegas:

You really screwed the pooch on this one. Hope you like Cleveland.

With Vitriol,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Indeed, I wouldn’t have noticed this if not for Deadspin. It’s Still Football: your source for third-hand news. 





Hey, Hoser, You Got Reverse Kurt Warner, eh?

31 05 2007

Even in the midst of the announcement that another football league is gestating in the sports womb of three dudes, It’s Still Football is committed to being your source for all things King. Shaun King, formerly of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and then Las Vegas Gladiators, continues his tour of major professional leagues, landing in Hamilton, Saskatchewan, British Columbia, Ontario, Canada. (Yes, I had to look it up.) He will play for the Tiger-Cats of the CFL, where they hope he can continue to excel, or at least do whatever it is he does. He’ll be competing for the starting spot with four others, including incumbent Jason Maas, a couple other guys and … NCAA record holder Timothy Kealii’okaaina Awa Chang! I wondered where he went. And where all those vowels came from.

Personally, I find this notable: where most journeyman players have to learn a new playbook when hopping from team to team, Shaun has had the arduous task of learning three new rulebooks.

So, good on you, Reverse Reverse Tangential Kurt Warner: keep hurling those oblong spheroids at people dressed roughly in the same colors you happen to be wearing.

Shaun King 2

“A rouge? Fuck you – you just made that shit up. And there’s no fucking ‘c’ in defense.”





Week 12 CMRP + Weekend Pillow Fight

18 05 2007

The theme of the Can’t Miss Random Pick this week, following a victorious pick of San Jose over Las Vegas, is: DON’T FIX WHAT AIN’T BROKE. The CMRP is now 5-5 following our week 1 bye (also, we didn’t think of this feature until week 2), and I’d be willing to bet that potential playoff contender Utah won’t drop tonight’s game versus the horrendous, coach-less, Shaun King-less Gladiators. Las Vegas is so terrible I haven’t noticed that Tampa Bay has managed to win some football games – perhaps Primary Gruden put a disguised Jeff Garcia on loan?

ANYWAY, randomness is counting on Joe Germaine to continue to look like his head is a Peep in a microwave every time he throws the ball, and every time he throws the ball for it to go into the hands of a receiver in the end-zone.

Is it Easter yet?

WEEK 12 CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: UTAH 65, Las Vegas 35.

Bush twins?

WEEK 12 WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT ONCE AGAIN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PRESIDENT’S HOT TWIN DAUGHTERS:

This week’s pillow fight is going to be painful. It’s a match between a team that can’t find its rhythm and a team that started strong but is in an uncontrollable tailspin.

We’re talking about the Philadelphia Soul hosting the New Orleans VooDoo. And we’re talking about Monday Night (Arena) Football.

This game will feature bad reads, turnovers, and dropped passes. You’re going to see drives that go nowhere, like Charles Barkley playing golf. You’re going to see both teams commit my favorite metaphor that I’m fairly sure I coined at least in part: squatting over and dropping a collective sporting turd on the field.

You might see Jon Bon Jovi give the double bird to the refs, or if things get really ugly, his own team.

You might see Jaws get so distraught he actually suits up and gets behind center.

You might see all of these things.

I will not. Because I don’t think I could bring myself to watch this game even if doing so would get me my own pillow fight with the President’s daughters and a guarantee there will actually be Social Security left for me when I retire in 2000never.

Enjoy the game, sado-masochist viewers!





Briefly: ESPN = Classy and Professional!/Gladiators Cut Their Losses

15 05 2007

I really wish we could’ve broken this story, because then maybe that’d mean we were playing with the big boys, but considering I finally got off my keister (…Ladies…) and created a “tipline” email last Thursday, it’s no wonder the Premiere (Only) Arena Football Blog wasn’t informed that tomorrow is “Arena Football Day” in Bristol, CT. I, like Deadspin, and Jim Romenesko’s Media News before me, will post the memo in its entirety:

ARENA FOOTBALL DAY
Wednesday, May 16
11:30am – 1:30p.m.

Connecticut based employees will be receiving Arena Football team t-shirts compliments of Russell Athletic.

If you are comfortable, please wear it to work on Wednesday, May 16th, as a symbol of welcome to our Arena Football guests.

* Tailgate party at the Bristol cafeteria compliments of the Arena Football League.

* Commissioner David Baker, AFL Staff, & Ownership, as well as “Special Guests” will be in attendance.

* Hamburgers and Hotdogs will be served.

I have so. Many. Questions. Special guests? Mike and Mike already work for ESPN, as does Jaws… Do they get Crush owner John Elway? Jon Bon Jovi? Who? It was certainly nice of the Arena League to spring for t-shirts, hamburgers and hot dogs, though. Who’s organized this? Who needs whom more? Is ESPN pretending that they’re excited about the AFL so they don’t pull their contract? Is this an elaborate Potemkin Village for David Baker? To what end? A prank? Is this like Taming of the Shrew or something? Does ESPN win a bet if they can make the Arena League a Big Deal? Or is everyone just crazy?

 What isn’t crazy is that Las Vegas just said “You know what, fuck it, let’s just get drunk,” today and fired their coaching staff. However, coach Danton Barto and his crew will finish out the season. This is disappointing, because I’d really be thrilled to see the Gladiators play entirely like a backyard team, drawing up needlessly complex plays in the huddle with no coach, and substituting awkwardly based on social status. “No, that’s okay, I can sit out another series,” awkward WR Joe Douglass will say, to avoid conflict. Other fun times for Danton Barto includes the fact that he was told at the San Jose airport that his contract wouldn’t be renewed, which had to make for a real fun flight. It makes me think of the scene from the second season of The West Wing when there’s a flashback to when President Bartlet got the Democratic nomination and Josh Lyman finds out his father died that same night. Josh leaves the victory party to go home, Bartlet catches up to Josh in the airport, and they talk about how proud Josh’s dad would’ve been, and how Bartlet couldn’t have done it without his staff, etc. It’s very stirring, and I imagine Danton Barto getting canned to be just like this scene, except the exact opposite.





Week 11 CMRP and Pillow Fight

11 05 2007

This week the Can’t Miss Random Pick tackles the Vaguely Hispanic Sounding Home City Names Bowl as Las Vegas hosts San Jose. Yes, this a bit of a weak CMRP (4-5 following week 1 bye), but dammit, we need a chance to get to the Random Playoffs! We’re picking San Jose over Las Vegas, as the Fiz almost landed a job at the Googles, located nearby in Mountain View; also, Mama Fiz is an alum of San Jose State. Go Spartans! And SaberCats!

WEEK 11 CMRP: San Jose 69, LAS VEGAS 45.

WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: Arizona at Austin

If you’re ever in LA, you owe it to yourself to check out the turtle racing at Brennan’s Pub on Lincoln in Marina Del Rey. I guarantee you’d have a hell of a lot more fun watching turtles crawl around on a giant mat than watch McPherson-less Austin and Arizona exchange bitch-slaps.





Almost breaking news: ‘Reverse Kurt Warner’ cut from Las Vegas… a week ago

18 04 2007

Reverse Kurt Warner

SHAUN KING CUT BY GLADIATORS; KING READY TO GO BACK TO THE BIG LEAGUES AS ‘REVERSE REVERSE KURT WARNER’

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