Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

12 07 2008

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!

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Yes, We Know: Ryan Perrilloux Is/Is Not Arena League Bound

6 05 2008

Because we would be remiss if we didn’t comment:

No, LSU quasi-semi-demi-proto-star Ryan Perrilloux is not going to play for the Grand Rapids Rampage, though they did take a flyer on equally wacky Adrian McPherson earlier this season. And Kansas City’s full to the brim with the meeting-shirking, alleged-drug-doing, bulky Quincy Carter to deal with “character issues” of this poor kid’s caliber. Concievably New York could use him (get away, Rohan Davey!), but who else? Back up Matt Nagy in Columbus? Back up Utah? Shake up LA?

Just go to Jacksonville State, Mr. 60-Million. You could be the best jaguar gamecock* in history**, and if you keep your nose clean, maybe get an education? It’d serve you better than the Arena League would. Not only is Grand Rapids uninterested, it would behoove any professional or semi-professional team to encourage you to make an effort get through college. (See also: the aforementioned Adrian McPherson, as well as Maurice Clarett, and others I can’t think of off the top of my head.) Fantasy College Blitz is more eloquent in their argument, and I mostly un-ironically used “keep your nose clean” two sentences ago, so I’m clearly not to be trusted, but my point and theirs boils down to the somewhat dull “don’t fuck up anymore.” 

*I’m an idiot!

**Anyone care to fact-check this?

[Update: I edited this to sound a little less moronic. Still: Perrilloux, don’t be a dumbass. Go back to school, get drafted, make an obscene amount of money, and then when it turns out you can’t quite hack it, play for the expansion Las Vegas Excess in 2010.]





What On Earth Can We Expect: The Grand Rapids Rampage

29 02 2008

Grand Rapids Flag

What. The. Fuck?

Facts:

  • American Whatever Central The Other Thing
  • Arena Bowl Championships: 1 – 2001
  • Half of It’s Still Football has actually been to Van Andel Arena. For the 2001 Women’s Big Ten Basketball Tournament. So, you know … upgrade!
  • Last Year’s Record: 4-12 (5th)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

BREAKING NEWS: Grand Rapids relocates to Screwsville! I have now spent the better part of an episode of Furturama trying to think of something positive to say about Grand Rapids, or even something remarkably bad. You can call it a rebuilding year, if you want, Grand Rapids denizens. If that makes you feel better. Ugh.

Bullet Points About People:

  • The Adrian McPherson Experience continues, despite all odds and logic.
  • For sake of convenience, backup QB James MacPherson will just drop the “a” in his last name. I hope. Desperately.
  • Hey, it’s Brian Gowins! Kicker for the 1996 Rose Bowl Participating Northwestern Wildcats! And a snappy dresser!
  • [Something pleasant about new coach Steve Thonn]

The Good:

Steve Thonn was Georgia’s offensive coordinator, and Georgia put up numbers, so the future can be bright. McPherson could be fertile comedy ground.

The Bad:

The defense isn’t any better, and McPherson is wildly erratic. MacPherson is untested.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

5-11, with a strong likelihood of playing the role of slumpbuster for a number of teams.





BREAKING! ADRIAN McPHERSON SIGNED

16 05 2007

RE-HIRED’D!

It looked like this day would provide no time for your favorite J-Named Co-Editor of Sass™ to pry himself of his ever-increasing duties at the office (none of which, sadly, involve the strip club across the street) to drop some AFL nuggets onto the Internets, but this warranted tacking on an extra half-hour in the cubicle tonight.

Adrian McPherson, ladies (Ladies…?) and gentlemen, is once again on a roster.

For the powerhouse known as the Grand Rapids Rampage (3-7).

Sayeth ArenaFootball.com:

“McPherson joins the Rampage after spending the first nine games of the season with the Austin Wranglers. The 6-3, 185-pound Florida State University product spent two seasons (2001-02) with the Seminoles before joining the AFL and the Indiana Firebirds in 2004. That year, McPherson won the AFL Rookie of the Year award, throwing for 2,965 yards and 56 touchdowns while rushing for 259 yards and 19 scores in just 14 games.

…’McPherson’s a player with tremendous athletic ability who was highly sought after throughout the league during the offseason,” said Sparky McEwen, Rampage head coach and director of football operations. “Above all else, he gives us depth. If something were to happen to Chad, our trigger man, he’d be able to step in and perform at a high level.'”

Have no fear, loyal readers. Adrian is once again gainfully employed (as a back-up QB), and Blitz may have a chance to live up to his nickname.

The Byron Leftwich 2.0 tag lives on.