What On Earth Can We Expect: The Cleveland “Gladiators”

20 02 2008

This Is Insane

Progress, Prosperity, and… two mysterious and arcane symbols. Seriously, Cleveland, what are those things? Rorschach blots?


  • National Conference Eastern Division Presented by Mitsubishi
  • Arena Bowl Championships: Not so much.
  • Formerly the Las Vegas Gladiators, the New Jersey Gladiators, and the New York New Jersey Red Dogs.
  • Last Year’s Record: 2-14 (Dead last, different conference, different division. But they would’ve been bringing up the rear in any of the divisions.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

This might not be that bad! Bernie Kosar’s a great guy to have on board, and may manage to counteract the apparent batshit mania of asbestos attorney and majority owner Jim “Personal Injury” Ferraro. The real good news is that GM Mike Levy grabbed some free agents that kind of know how to play the game. Hey: it’s Ray Philyaw! A competent quarterback! Cornelius Bonner? I think he made a positive impact in Grand Rapids! (Note: I actually looked this up. I was … kind of right? Offense? Defense? He does … stuff. I hate research. I much prefer my usual uninformed gibbering.) I can’t, for some reason, read the Cleveland Plain Dealer online, so I curse Cleveland. That’s how I end this paragraph. Curse you, Cleveland.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Bernie Kosar is excited about the direction that Cleveland’s going. I’ll buy it.
  • Donovan Arp’s surname comes from the final words of his great-great-great-great grandfather’s mortal enemy.
  • Rookie Richard Alston fled the flaming wreck of NFL Europa and is listed as one of ArenaFootball.com‘s rookies to watch. That’s promising. He belonged to the Cleveland Browns, so at least he doesn’t have to go very far. Except for the part about him playing in EUROPE.

The Good:

I believe Bernie Kosar when he says they’re in good shape. He has dancers wearing his jersey. They can’t be worse. I almost have math to back that up. They’ve upgraded in terms of talent. They have a rivalry trophy with Columbus! Rivalry trophies rock me in the manner of a tropical depression.

The Bad:

They’re still not great. They haven’t moved to an easier division. At all. Hi, Dallas, Philly, Columbus, and New York. They were 2-14 last year, and while I’ll freely admit that my knowledge of the ups-and-downs of this league is limited, that sounds like an uphill battle. They failed to rename themselves, and I was really hoping they would.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

4-12, not so much with the playoffs. Maybe 5-11. This was a hard prediction, because… I’m incompetent, I guess.


Inside the Gladiator’s front office

1 02 2008

At least Goddess starts with a G

DIRECTOR OF MARKETING: “All right, guys, we pared it down to sixteen pre-med students from Cleveland State. When they were in Las Vegas, they called them the Goddesses. We have to be able to do better than that, right?”

“How about Gladiator-ettes?”


“Sword Chicks?”


“Junior Brownies?”

“Dog Pounders?” 

“Marketing Associates?”

No. Come on, guys. Think outside the box a little bit. Something sexy that maybe starts with a ‘G’, this isn’t rocket science.”

[Ten minutes pass. Director of Marketing picks up phone, dials]

“Hey Bernie… yeah, we’re going with ‘Goddesses’.”

Hat-tip to Josh for the heads-up.

Cleveland Whatevers owner Jim Ferraro was right!

26 01 2008
Good sense!

Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland’s inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.

Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.

Cleveland Whatevers owner’s wedding sort of like “Friends” pilot

24 01 2008

A questionable decision by Jim Ferraro, owner of the former Las Vegas Gladiators:

He left Las Vegas, understandable…

“This team has done nothing but lose money and games in Las Vegas. I’m out.

“What’s that? No, I’m not going to sell and cut my loses. I’m thinking of maybe just pulling up the ol’ stakes and relocating.

“I don’t know. Maybe a better town would be …Cleveland?”

An obviously dipshit move by Jim Ferraro, owner of the (current) Cleveland Gladiators:

He left this as well, not so understandable

“Do you, aging and greasy asswipe, take this incredibly attractive woman, Patricia Delinois, who happens to be the CEO of a major real-estate broker, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and put her before all other persons in your life – your parents, your children?*” (*actually said by presiding pastor)

“Meh. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Peace.”

Apparently he’s trying to woo her back after leaving her at the altar of an exclusive $100,000 wedding, and flowers and text messages aren’t working. Maybe if QB Jason Fife completes a Hail Mary to propel the Gladiators into the playoffs, she’ll take him back, provided he’s ready?

According to Ferraro, he thinks the story will probably have a happy ending. According to me, Ferraro should give me Patricia’s phone number. I button my shirts!

Cleveland’s Finest Graphic Designers Were Consulted

2 12 2007

“Wait… what if… we just turned the ‘G’ for ‘Gladiators’ into a ‘C’ for Cleveland?”

“Brilliant! Be sure to tell Bernie Kosar immediately!”

[A month and a half passes]

“Did you remove that little serif that makes a C a G?”

“Oh, um, yeah… totally…”

[Hasty design work takes place]

“…Maybe I can write ‘Cleveland’ in that font… yeah, that makes sense…”
Las Vegas Cleveland. Eerily Similar?

They also removed some of the jaggies.

“‘Gladiator’ represents an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of hard work – which is perfect for the city of Cleveland,” said Gladiators owner Jim Ferraro. “It’s also a familiar metaphor used for football players and for the fans who watch them play.”

I always thought ‘Gladiator’ represented an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of not being mauled by tigers or in the name of pissing off and ultimately killing Joaquin Phoenix. But, yeah, I guess that’s “hard work.” If they start calling “The Q” “The Qolosseum,” I’m going on a tri-state killing spree.

Bernie Kosar said “We have been building this the right way with a top quality coaching staff and players that will be proud to have “Cleveland” on their uniforms,” before awkwardly flinging the logo side-armed at the assembled press corps.

In other Cleveland news, their recent signings include WR/DB Cornelius Bonner, who It’s Still Football has described as “serviceable.” Also serviceable: the Cleveland Whatevers have a fan site all set up (it’s extremely red), AND, you can (finally) buy season tickets, just in time for your preferred Winter Solstice Holiday.

Oh, and before I forget: so you can keep track, the Gladiators changed conferences, so they’re overloading the Mitsubishi National Conference Mitsubitshi Eastern Mitsubishi Division, sponsored by Mitsubishi Motors.

Bernie Kosar Didn’t Think This’d Be So Much Work

27 11 2007

Apparently, we’re not the only ones that noticed that Bernie Kosar apparently threw some money at his lawyer-friend, stood around for some photo ops, and then took a 4-month nap. Hey, Bernie, just so you know, the Gladiators were terrible last year. Doing something about that would perhaps be in your best interests.

In Cleveland’s defense, they picked up Raymond Philyaw, who isn’t wildly incompetent, but also apparently isn’t flashy enough for the Cleveland Leader. I do like the idea of Tim Couch handling the QB position for the Cleveland No-Names, and getting schooled by Dr. Dolezel and Messrs. Dietz, Graziani, and Grieb. At least. But why stop there? Craig Krenzel’s available! Cleveland’s not necessarily OSU country, but it’d be a thumb in the eye of Columbus, right? Can they wait two years for Dan Whelan to graduate from Case Western Reserve? He brought the Spartans their first University Athletic Association championship in… ever!

Tim Couch! Craig Krenzel!

Couch, Krenzel, and, someday…

Dan Whalen!

Whalen: Cleveland TBA Ring of Honor.

You know what, they should totally be the Cleveland TBA. That’d be awesome. But they’re probably going to be something crappy like “Rockers,” or “Bulldogs.” Good luck to you, City of Cleveland! The AFL cares about you! Maybe!

It’s Still Football Puts the “Off” in “Offseason”

15 11 2007


We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs – delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:

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