IT LIVES (Bon Jovi-less, and Distinctly Lacking Grudens)

16 02 2010

Perhaps you’ve noticed a subtle buzz around the water cooler; there’s a spring in your step, the source of which you can’t quite identify. The sun shines a little brighter, and strangers smile at each other in the street.

This is probably because olympic curling starts today in Vancouver.

Also, hey: the AFL is back! We don’t even have to call it Arena Football One (1) anymore! According to sources (a post forwarded to us at least twice), the old nomenclature was used on a conference call from the league. WOOOO. AIN’T NOTHIN’ STOPPING US NOW!

Albany, not part of the league, don't worry

Rising! Like a phoenix! Or a Firebird! Whatever!

We were going to wait until this clusterfuckery ended, and there were some actual games to be played, or data to be massaged, or characters to be assassinated, but whatever. There was a conference call! Kosar and Ditka are back! It’s a war! Indoors! On the floor! Petit four! Esprit de corps!

Who’s involved?

South Division: Alabama (Huntsville – space camp!) Vipers, Jacksonville Sharks (Al Pacino-coached), Orlando Predators (Now with Zero Grudens),  Tampa Bay Storm (Brett Dietz!)

Southwest Division: Bossier-Shreveport (LA) Battle Wings (served with a side of bleu cheese dressing), Dallas Vigilantes (Dr. Dolezel bought the name Desperado for his own perpetual use, thank you), Oklahoma City Yard Dogz (I will never use this name), Tulsa Talons (formerly the Pittsburgh Phlanges)

Midwest Division: Chicago Rush (Wooo! We’re getting the band back together!), Cleveland Gladiators (Wooo? We’re getting the band back together?), Iowa Barnstormers (Look, it’s not like Kurt Warner’s doing anything), Milwaukee Iron (Wooo. We’re getting the band back “together.” With Ringo’s kid playing the drums.)

West Division: Arizona Rattlers (I wonder if the money-back guarantee’s still good), Spokane Shock (more like shocked to find themselves in Spokane, am I right? Oh, let’s just get through this), Utah Blaze (who are currently holding open tryouts, and that’s really the only news of use on

Conspicuous by their absence: Jaws/Bon Jovi-owned Philadelphia Soul, only the current Arena Bowl Champions; Grudens; ESPN (Hooray? The NFL Network?); San Jose Sabercats and ol’ LazerQBVision; actual useful data.

On the other hand: football games, starting April 10. -ish.


Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

12 07 2008

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Cleveland “Gladiators”

20 02 2008

This Is Insane

Progress, Prosperity, and… two mysterious and arcane symbols. Seriously, Cleveland, what are those things? Rorschach blots?


  • National Conference Eastern Division Presented by Mitsubishi
  • Arena Bowl Championships: Not so much.
  • Formerly the Las Vegas Gladiators, the New Jersey Gladiators, and the New York New Jersey Red Dogs.
  • Last Year’s Record: 2-14 (Dead last, different conference, different division. But they would’ve been bringing up the rear in any of the divisions.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

This might not be that bad! Bernie Kosar’s a great guy to have on board, and may manage to counteract the apparent batshit mania of asbestos attorney and majority owner Jim “Personal Injury” Ferraro. The real good news is that GM Mike Levy grabbed some free agents that kind of know how to play the game. Hey: it’s Ray Philyaw! A competent quarterback! Cornelius Bonner? I think he made a positive impact in Grand Rapids! (Note: I actually looked this up. I was … kind of right? Offense? Defense? He does … stuff. I hate research. I much prefer my usual uninformed gibbering.) I can’t, for some reason, read the Cleveland Plain Dealer online, so I curse Cleveland. That’s how I end this paragraph. Curse you, Cleveland.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Bernie Kosar is excited about the direction that Cleveland’s going. I’ll buy it.
  • Donovan Arp’s surname comes from the final words of his great-great-great-great grandfather’s mortal enemy.
  • Rookie Richard Alston fled the flaming wreck of NFL Europa and is listed as one of‘s rookies to watch. That’s promising. He belonged to the Cleveland Browns, so at least he doesn’t have to go very far. Except for the part about him playing in EUROPE.

The Good:

I believe Bernie Kosar when he says they’re in good shape. He has dancers wearing his jersey. They can’t be worse. I almost have math to back that up. They’ve upgraded in terms of talent. They have a rivalry trophy with Columbus! Rivalry trophies rock me in the manner of a tropical depression.

The Bad:

They’re still not great. They haven’t moved to an easier division. At all. Hi, Dallas, Philly, Columbus, and New York. They were 2-14 last year, and while I’ll freely admit that my knowledge of the ups-and-downs of this league is limited, that sounds like an uphill battle. They failed to rename themselves, and I was really hoping they would.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

4-12, not so much with the playoffs. Maybe 5-11. This was a hard prediction, because… I’m incompetent, I guess.

Inside the Gladiator’s front office

1 02 2008

At least Goddess starts with a G

DIRECTOR OF MARKETING: “All right, guys, we pared it down to sixteen pre-med students from Cleveland State. When they were in Las Vegas, they called them the Goddesses. We have to be able to do better than that, right?”

“How about Gladiator-ettes?”


“Sword Chicks?”


“Junior Brownies?”

“Dog Pounders?” 

“Marketing Associates?”

No. Come on, guys. Think outside the box a little bit. Something sexy that maybe starts with a ‘G’, this isn’t rocket science.”

[Ten minutes pass. Director of Marketing picks up phone, dials]

“Hey Bernie… yeah, we’re going with ‘Goddesses’.”

Hat-tip to Josh for the heads-up.

Cleveland Whatevers owner Jim Ferraro was right!

26 01 2008
Good sense!

Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland’s inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.

Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.

Cleveland Whatevers owner’s wedding sort of like “Friends” pilot

24 01 2008

A questionable decision by Jim Ferraro, owner of the former Las Vegas Gladiators:

He left Las Vegas, understandable…

“This team has done nothing but lose money and games in Las Vegas. I’m out.

“What’s that? No, I’m not going to sell and cut my loses. I’m thinking of maybe just pulling up the ol’ stakes and relocating.

“I don’t know. Maybe a better town would be …Cleveland?”

An obviously dipshit move by Jim Ferraro, owner of the (current) Cleveland Gladiators:

He left this as well, not so understandable

“Do you, aging and greasy asswipe, take this incredibly attractive woman, Patricia Delinois, who happens to be the CEO of a major real-estate broker, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and put her before all other persons in your life – your parents, your children?*” (*actually said by presiding pastor)

“Meh. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Peace.”

Apparently he’s trying to woo her back after leaving her at the altar of an exclusive $100,000 wedding, and flowers and text messages aren’t working. Maybe if QB Jason Fife completes a Hail Mary to propel the Gladiators into the playoffs, she’ll take him back, provided he’s ready?

According to Ferraro, he thinks the story will probably have a happy ending. According to me, Ferraro should give me Patricia’s phone number. I button my shirts!

Cleveland’s Finest Graphic Designers Were Consulted

2 12 2007

“Wait… what if… we just turned the ‘G’ for ‘Gladiators’ into a ‘C’ for Cleveland?”

“Brilliant! Be sure to tell Bernie Kosar immediately!”

[A month and a half passes]

“Did you remove that little serif that makes a C a G?”

“Oh, um, yeah… totally…”

[Hasty design work takes place]

“…Maybe I can write ‘Cleveland’ in that font… yeah, that makes sense…”
Las Vegas Cleveland. Eerily Similar?

They also removed some of the jaggies.

“‘Gladiator’ represents an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of hard work – which is perfect for the city of Cleveland,” said Gladiators owner Jim Ferraro. “It’s also a familiar metaphor used for football players and for the fans who watch them play.”

I always thought ‘Gladiator’ represented an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of not being mauled by tigers or in the name of pissing off and ultimately killing Joaquin Phoenix. But, yeah, I guess that’s “hard work.” If they start calling “The Q” “The Qolosseum,” I’m going on a tri-state killing spree.

Bernie Kosar said “We have been building this the right way with a top quality coaching staff and players that will be proud to have “Cleveland” on their uniforms,” before awkwardly flinging the logo side-armed at the assembled press corps.

In other Cleveland news, their recent signings include WR/DB Cornelius Bonner, who It’s Still Football has described as “serviceable.” Also serviceable: the Cleveland Whatevers have a fan site all set up (it’s extremely red), AND, you can (finally) buy season tickets, just in time for your preferred Winter Solstice Holiday.

Oh, and before I forget: so you can keep track, the Gladiators changed conferences, so they’re overloading the Mitsubishi National Conference Mitsubitshi Eastern Mitsubishi Division, sponsored by Mitsubishi Motors.