IT LIVES (Bon Jovi-less, and Distinctly Lacking Grudens)

16 02 2010

Perhaps you’ve noticed a subtle buzz around the water cooler; there’s a spring in your step, the source of which you can’t quite identify. The sun shines a little brighter, and strangers smile at each other in the street.

This is probably because olympic curling starts today in Vancouver.

Also, hey: the AFL is back! We don’t even have to call it Arena Football One (1) anymore! According to sources (a post forwarded to us at least twice), the old nomenclature was used on a conference call from the league. WOOOO. AIN’T NOTHIN’ STOPPING US NOW!

Albany, not part of the league, don't worry

Rising! Like a phoenix! Or a Firebird! Whatever!

We were going to wait until this clusterfuckery ended, and there were some actual games to be played, or data to be massaged, or characters to be assassinated, but whatever. There was a conference call! Kosar and Ditka are back! It’s a war! Indoors! On the floor! Petit four! Esprit de corps!

Who’s involved?

South Division: Alabama (Huntsville – space camp!) Vipers, Jacksonville Sharks (Al Pacino-coached), Orlando Predators (Now with Zero Grudens),  Tampa Bay Storm (Brett Dietz!)

Southwest Division: Bossier-Shreveport (LA) Battle Wings (served with a side of bleu cheese dressing), Dallas Vigilantes (Dr. Dolezel bought the name Desperado for his own perpetual use, thank you), Oklahoma City Yard Dogz (I will never use this name), Tulsa Talons (formerly the Pittsburgh Phlanges)

Midwest Division: Chicago Rush (Wooo! We’re getting the band back together!), Cleveland Gladiators (Wooo? We’re getting the band back together?), Iowa Barnstormers (Look, it’s not like Kurt Warner’s doing anything), Milwaukee Iron (Wooo. We’re getting the band back “together.” With Ringo’s kid playing the drums.)

West Division: Arizona Rattlers (I wonder if the money-back guarantee’s still good), Spokane Shock (more like shocked to find themselves in Spokane, am I right? Oh, let’s just get through this), Utah Blaze (who are currently holding open tryouts, and that’s really the only news of use on

Conspicuous by their absence: Jaws/Bon Jovi-owned Philadelphia Soul, only the current Arena Bowl Champions; Grudens; ESPN (Hooray? The NFL Network?); San Jose Sabercats and ol’ LazerQBVision; actual useful data.

On the other hand: football games, starting April 10. -ish.


From the Arizona Rattlers’ Front Office

2 06 2008

It\'s like we\'re the actual website! Ha ha! (Please don\'t sue.)


Saturday evening, the playoff-guaranteed Arizona Rattlers made good on that guarantee by defeating the Orlando Predators, clinching a playoff berth.


We in the front office would like to express our relief that we don’t have to find $2.2 million dollars somewhere. I mean, sure, we’re insured against that kind of thing, but do you know what our premiums would go up to next year? We’d have to pay our front office in Del Taco coupons. Next year’s shtick would’ve been “Ever seen an entire pro sports team run by unpaid college interns? THE ARIZONA RATTLERS: CATCH THE FEVER MONO.”

Rattlers Managing Partner Brett Bouchy wants to personally add the following:

“We’d like to thank all the fans that supported the Rattlers this year, and know that playoffs are just the beginning. We came here to win championships. Also, hahahahahahaha! I’m rich! Rich! Well, I remain rich! Okay, I wasn’t made completely destitute! Hahahahaha! Suck it! I’m going to go re-fill my pool, now that I know I can afford it! See you later, suckers!”

Don’t forget: if you order season tickets for next year, we’ll totally give you playoff tickets for this year. For our many, many playoff home games. Like, the tons of them we will inevitably have. In a parallel universe.

Arizona’s Freebie Watch

14 04 2008

“Free season tickets? Not on MY watch!”

[Gasp!] “LANG CAMPBELL!” [Dramatic chord!]

“YES! It is I! Sent to ensure that the Arizona Rattlers season ticket holders will be disappointed to a mathematically perfect degree!” [Organ run, dramatic chord]

“But, why, LANG CAMPBELL?” [Chord progression] “Why?”

“There’s no time to explain! I must successfully convert this two-point try to put a stake in the heart of both Tampa Bay fans, and cheap Arizona fans!” [Disappears in puff of smoke, successfull two point conversion]

Brett Dietz has been made better than he was before. Better. Faster. Stronger.

“Noooo! You may have won this time, LANG CAMPBELL,” [Dramatic Chord] “But Brett Dietz does not take this sort of thing lying down. Brett Dietz will get you. Oh, yes. Brett Dietz.”

The IRONY: Arizona “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch update

31 03 2008

Arizona Rattlers, do you recognize this man?

He’s a guy that goes by the name of Bonner. Sherdrick Bonner. He likes his Red Hots with mustard, pickles, and tomatoes, not on a tortilla with refried beans, and dropped you to 2-3 Friday night.

Arizona fans, you’re six losses away from getting your season ticket money refunded.

Enjoy Jeff Smoker and upcoming games against Tampa Bay (Dietz!Dietz!Dietz!), New Orleans (4 game winning streak!), and Dallas (punky backup QB to be replaced by The Doctor) to get you on your way!

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Arizona Rattlers

12 02 2008


The blue represents the water that Arizonans will never see until California snaps off the West Coast and slides into the Pacific. Many residents will insist that it’s California’s own fault for being so damn liberal.


  • American Conference, Mitsubishi (Of Course) Western Division
  • Arena Bowl Champions: 1994, 1997
  • Their haunted stadium is made of adobe, and is built on an ancient Caucasian burial ground. OooooOOOOooo.
  • Last year’s record: 4-12 (4th place)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Last season, the only team worse than the Rattlers in the West pulled up stakes, moved to Cleveland, got Bernie Kosar involved, and was notable for having the Runaway Groom as their owner. Logically, this means that Arizona should promise fans that they’ll make the playoffs, or the Rattlers will refund their season ticket money. Seriously. I’m tempted to buy season tickets, sell them on StubHub or something and make a tidy profit.

More Bullet Points, This Time About People:

  • No more Sherdrick Bonner at QB. Now Lang Campbell (of the late Austin Wranglers) and Arbitrary Nemesis of It’s Still Football Jeff Smoker are competing in training camp for the starting spot. Apparently, Jeff and Lang have been to Mill Ave to prowl for ASU tail. Not that I can blame them. Though the second part of that sentence may have been made up, since the next thing they want to do is go to Scottsdale. WOO! CUT LOOSE!
  • If Campbell and Smoker end up being inconsistent to incompetent, Siaha Burley will make you forget. If we hadn’t been complete homers for Bobby Sippio last year, Burley would’ve been a name we doodled in our notebook margins. He’s from the area, and by all accounts, is a good guy. Charity work and whatnot. He was friends with John Paul II and Ghandi. He said to Bill and Melinda Gates, “Hey, have you guys ever thought about setting up, I don’t know, some kind of foundation?” Is St. Francis of Assisi in disguise.
  • Other additions: a bunch of guys I don’t recognize. That doesn’t mean they’re not important, it just means I’m an idiot.
  • The first paragraph in the orientation manual for Rattler rookies urges new Phoenix-area residents to use observe local rationing ordinances when making it rain.
  • New coach Kevin Guy is a total enigma, but reports suggest he may be bloodthirsty and feeds upon fear. Which could be positive.

The Good:

Burley. Maybe Coach Guy. The second section of the Rattler’s Wikipedia page is titled “Rattlers’ Rockin’ Highlights,” which is funny. Yeah, I’m grasping.

The Bad:

Struggling to keep up with (possibly) the strongest division in the AFL. No longer have the Gladiators to beat up on. May lose their shirts with this “free season tickets thing,” but I’m no economist.

Completely arbitrary prediction:

7-9, miss the playoffs by a game; Rattlers’ CFO Keli Davis weeps. Siaha Burley catches touchdowns, typhus; forced to sit out 3 critical May games against LA, San Jose, Dallas.

Arizona Rattlers Owner Arrested

22 12 2007

Less funny than Da Coach: Robert Hernreich, part-owner of the Arizona Rattlers was arrested Thursday night on a domestic violence charge. I usually avoid regurgitating police blotter news, but my grandma called me and asked if I was going to say anything about it on “[my] Internet blog thing.” So, yeah. Happy holidays.

I Still Exist, Too!

27 06 2007

I know that nobody really gives a rat’s behind about these filler posts of “I’m alive, and I’ll pretend to write some stuff,” but I’m going to do it anyway. I survived Phoenix and Vegas (gambling was bad for me), and now I’m back and ready to make fun of mid-level sports again. Here’s what you can expect from me:

  • Playoffs! What the hell is going on with that shit?
  • Better Know a Team As They Get Eliminated In the Playoffs
  • Lies!
  • Damn Lies!
  • Statistics?
  • What Have We (Joe and I) Learned By Doing This?
  • A Real Live Blogroll

Oh, and I was at a bar in Tempe, and there were two larger gentlemen holding court in a booth in the middle of the room. I’m going to say that they were football players, and since they are at Arizona State University, I was probably looking at future Arena League players. I say this only to link something from my vacation ever-so-tenuously to the AFL.

To further mollify you, I have a picture of an Arizona Rattlers cheerleader. Angie apparently will be representing the team at the Arena Bowl in New Orleans as part of the Aaron’s Dream Team, which needs more research, I think. Enjoy.


[Update: I feel compelled to mention Arizona’s 2006 Dream Team member, Erica. Angie is a perfectly reasonable choice, but… I’ll let Erica speak for herself, through her photo.]