ARENA BOWL XXII: We’re Way Less Interesting Than Last Year

25 07 2008
I Cheated and Stole ESPN's Banner. Winner

I stole ESPN's Banner. I am a winner.

So, guess what? Between general apathy and real-life nonsense, we totally blew off the playoffs (which apparently were hosted in Crazy Town, final results notwithstanding), and aren’t going to New Orleans again. For which my liver thanks the Flying Spaghetti Monster. BUT ANALYSIS WILL ENSUE!

ALL HAIL.

ALL HAIL.

Multiple members of Bon Jovi! Jaws! More Cowbell! The Grieb Laser Industry! Darren Arbet! The Guy Who Owns Fry’s! D’Orazio! SOME OTHER PEOPLE OHMYGODIT’STHEARENABOWL!

Dear Point-Counterpoint, I never thought this could happen to me… (Jump?)

ARENA BOWL XXII. NEW ORLEANS, LA. Sunday, July 27, 2008 2:00 CDT. A-B-Frickin’-C

After the dispatching of pretenders Cleveland and Grand Rapids, Philadelphia and San Jose go toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose, fist-to-fist, groin-to-groin (too much? Okay.) on Sunday afternoon to determine once and for all whose cuisine reins supreme. And by “cuisine,” I, of course mean “series of ‘get open’ plays.”

TC SAYS: Look, I’ve exhibited gross negligence in the last few months in terms of paying appropriate attention to this Sport of Kings*, but if there are several things I know, it’s that Darren Arbet could steal Billy Dee Williams’ women, Mark Grieb can burn holes in saplings with his stare, and all San Jose does is quietly win games. AJ Haglund has the same last name as Miss America, but is about two and a half feet shorter. He’s actually in this video, just beneath Miss America’s left elbow. That being said, Philadelphia is loaded and old, and if they don’t win Sunday, they’re kind of boned in terms of getting back to this lofty perch as champions of the Mitsubishi National Conference of Mitsubishi Motorcars. D’Orazio has shown why he already has a ring, and Chris Jackson is third-rail electric. (Right? Somebody help me, here.) On defense… the Soul, from what I understand, has a d-line that deserves the adjective “stout”. Please God, Joe, elaborate on the defenses.

J SAYS: Goodness, I would, if only we weren’t talking about Arena Football, good sir.  The biggest story of the day for sure is the fact that general go-to San Jose WR James Roe due to what is referred to as Old Man’s Veteran’s Knee. On the other side of the field, Former Homer Favorite Matt D’Orazio has a) legs b) Chris “The Aforementioned” Jackson, and c) Larry “Chicks Dig the Long Ball” Brackins. I know San Jose’s long been a favorite of TC’s, but their D will have to play their best game in, say, over a year.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) If the loss of James Roe (MCL EXPLOSION) can be overlooked, I’m going to do it. Philly’s going to have to go balls-out to rattle Grieb, and eventually he’s going to take advantage of a mismatch brought about by Gamblor, the god of rushing 4 and jumping routes. Philadelphia has to be bold to win, San Jose just has to play their game. (J) That is, on both sides of the ball, better than Philadelphia plays. If I were a betting man, I’d be throwing in my lot with the majority of readers clamoring for Sesame Street DVDs. Philly hit the ground running this season and kept in stride, San Jose made it to the playoffs in no small part to a pathetically weak division wherein only 3 of 8 teams won at least half of their games.

TC’s PREDICTION: Back-and-forth for three quarters = probable. 68-63, San Jose defends their title.

J’s PREDICTION: It’s always sunny in Philadelphia. Soul 68, Saber Cats 42. Bon Jovi gives that free concert he promised.

*Not actually the sport of Kings. The sport of lower-level Earls?

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