Weekend in Review: The Only Consistent Thing is Inconsistency

27 05 2008

Would you believe that this is the only current picture of this game I could find on the entire Internet? What the French, Toast?
Georgia 40, NEW ORLEANS 29

Every time I think about making Danny Wimprine the It’s Still Football Official Randomly Chosen Hero of 2008, the VooDoo decide to do things like avoid the end zone like it’s made of super-hot magma. A respectable-to-zesty NFL line of 26/48-244-3-0 doesn’t mean diddly indoors. Though, their continued effort to engage in lengthy touchdown passes to fullback James Lynch (5′ 11″ 276? Really? He looks three bills at least.) did provide me with no small amount of glee that was eclipsed only by Georgia’s “razzle dazzle” play that they “drew up in the dirt.” I quote directly from the mic’d commentary of Georgia’s
Jim Kubiak, on that one. It’s like they’re reading my thoughts. Georgia, finally showing the verve we EXPECTED at the BEGINNING of the year, went on a double-digit-to-zero (19-0 this time) run again to close out the game. DID YOU KNOW? New Orleans is tres not good on ESPN Deuce, chere. 0-3? DID YOU ALSO KNOW? Georgia’s quarterback The Scrappy Chris Griesen’s gains his power of being impervious to pain from ancient Aztec gold, as he is descended directly from an otherwise unremarkable conquistador.

Find the lies after the jump. Find the lines (and watch a little piece of my soul die) at the place where you bet on football.

Dallas 67, ORLANDO 41

Thank you, Dallas, for being the only thing we can count on in a time of uncertainty. Also, for ensuring that the Southern Mitsubishi-Sponsored Division remains knotted in ways only Alexander the Great can solve. (Swords: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s mythical problems.) Orlando’s loss means that everybody is within a game of first place. Will Pettis continues to be the Disembodied Head of Henry Kissinger to Dr. Dolezel’s Disembodied Head of Richard Nixon, scoring on offense (passing too!), defense, special teams, euphemistically, metaphysically, and in the sports of rugby, cricket, bowling, jai alai, and the Mayan Ball Game. Let us have a premature moment of silence for Orlando’s Arena Bowl chances, because until whoever they ultimately decide to have throwing the ball stops stroking out on the field, they’re going to have a difficult time escaping from playoff rounds. DID YOU KNOW: Dallas at 10-2 still hasn’t clinched a playoff spot? MATH IS FUN. DID YOU ALSO KNOW: Remy Hamilton was orphaned and rescued by a master thief and pickpocket who raised Hamilton as his son, training him in the ways of the gypsies?

Kansas City 54, PHILADELPHIA 47

Oh, come ON. I mean, it’s nice to see that Charles Frederick is recovered from his MCL sprain, and the more mediocre teams that win, the more likely the Rattlerpocalypse occurs (a boy can dream, can’t he?), but winning in no small part because of a botched snap leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If I wanted that, I’d take up hooking up with smokers. (Call me! These are Are these the jokes!?) Also, what the CRAP are you doing calling a quasi-tricky direct-snap play from the one with six seconds left, Brett Munsey? Or what’s-his-face offensive coordinator man? (Connell Maynor – I looked it up on Philadelphia Soul.com, where I also learned that next week’s game is against the “Galdiators.”) DID YOU KNOW: Now that Philadelphia’s lost, the team with the longest active home winning streak is Chicago (Yay!) with 4. The Soul had won 9 in a row. DID YOU ALSO KNOW: Whoever’s running quality control for the Philadelphia Soul website took Memorial Day weekend off to get tore up from the floor up?

[BEEP.] \

TAMPA BAY 58, Cleveland 48

Hey! Defense! Kind of! To be perfectly honest, there’s no way of knowing whether or not Cleveland was just gassed by the 4th quarter, or if Tampa Bay finally found some reserves of backbone in a supply closet somewhere, but in a distressingly-rare occurrence this season, the Storm defense got stops late when they needed it. It’s not last year’s remarkable second-half surge, but for some reason, they seem to be a late-season team. It doesn’t translate terribly well in the playoffs, but you never know. Cleveland remains in the uh-oh range at 7-4 with Georgia and New Orleans, while Tampa Bay and New York are at 6-6, and Orlando at 8-5. Of that group, practically no one has a schedule remaining that could be considered tougher than Cleveland, even though they’re mostly home: Dallas, Chicago, @Philadelphia, and Columbus. DID YOU KNOW: Brett Dietz threw his 100th touchdown pass, only a billion behind Clint Dolezel, Ph.D. When asked how he felt about the milestone, Dietz incinerated the reporter with his heat vision. DID YOU ALSO KNOW: Bernie Kosar apparently only leased his soul to the devil in exchange for Cleveland’s success, so it’s entirely possible the Gladiators could come up short of the playoffs, in a fiendish twist!

COLUMBUS 43, New York 41

Who said that LA and New York would make the playoffs, so we could see mostly-empty stadia in the largest media markets in the observable universe? Because that’s the most trenchant piece of commentary I can recall in many a moon. However, since the Dragons managed to fritter away a game against a relatively miserable Columbus team, perhaps their schedule of @Colorado, New Orleans, @Dallas, and Philadelphia is actually more of a disaster than the aforementioned Cleveland schedule! (See how I set that up in the last paragraph? Writing, bitches. Not good writing, but I’ve certainly proof that I’m mostly literate.) Who will screw themselves worse?!? CLEVELAND! NEW YORK! The bored-turtle-race to the playoffs! It’s the AFL, on ESPN! Occasionally! The game, you ask? Aaron Garcia put the Dragons in a position to tie with time running down, but an ill-fated two-point conversion attempt went awry, the onside kick was recovered by the Destroyers, and they managed to bleed the rest of the clock for the win. New Yorkers continued to worry about Willie Randolph, and Columbians were probably more worried about the fact that they live in Columbus by choice. DID YOU KNOW: There is a Derek Lee on Columbus, and he caught a pass, and there’s a Derek Lee on the Cubs, and I don’t particularly care about either of them? DID YOU ALSO KNOW: Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Matt Nagy Crankypants Alert Level: Teal (Subdued)

Note: Come Back Later for Rattlers/Rampage, Sabercats/Crush, and (ugh) Blaze/Rush recaps. Work to do!




One response

27 05 2008

“Rattlerpocalypse” –I like that. Can I use it?

Also, Columbus is actually a great town in which to live. Of course I moved away 12 years ago, but still…

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