Week 12: Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows – last year this had a picture of the Bush daughters

Chicago Rush TD pics, according to Google, do not carry the same weight as pictures of the twin daughters of the leader of the free world in lacy negligee

What’s that, you say? These ranks and previews are moot since a game has already been played this week? You’re saying last night Kansas City upset LALALALALA WE’RE NOT LISTENING! LALALALALALA STFU!

Waiting for you after the jump: A quick review of Gary “Not My Grampa” Horton’s AFL Power Rankings, arena football betting advice that’s almost guaranteed to make your individual credit crisis worse, and a Pillow Fight worthy of twenty-thousand Google hits.

AFL Power Rankings (Week 13)

1. Chicago Rush (9-2) | Previous: 2 | Week 12: Beat L.A. 72-28 | Next: at Utah The Rush, coming off a bye week, totally dominated the listless Avengers. Chicago used an explosive passing attack and a swarming defense that recorded two safeties and four interceptions and destroyed the Avengers in the trenches to lock up the division title and a first-round playoff bye. I’m getting ready for the playoffs by purchasing a pair of “Air Michnas”, and putting next month’s rent on this week’s game.

2. Philadelphia Soul (10-2) | Previous: 3 | Week 12: Beat Columbus 51-43 | Next: vs. K.C. With six starters out with injuries, the Soul turned to QB Matt D’Orazio and he responded with a seven-TD passing game, He was especially effective in the second half, getting the ball to his talented receiving duo of Chris Jackson and Larry Brackins. Considering Dallas lost, this is an important win. Ridiculous stat – Matt “Broke(n) Back” D’Orazio is second in the AFL for rushing yards. Second. He’s like a Michael Vick that can pass and house his illegal dog-fighting kennel somewhere other than his mansion.

3. Dallas Desperados (9-2) | Previous: 1 | Week 12: Lost to Arizona 55-54 | Next: at Orlando Dallas had its 17-game regular-season winning streak snapped by Arizona on the last play of the game. The Desperados defense recorded three sacks, three tackles for loss, one interception and four pass breakups, but it couldn’t make a stop when it really needed one. Prognosis: Dr. Dolezel is a total fucking quack.

4. Orlando Predators (8-4) | Previous: 5 | Week 12: Beat K.C. 58-51 | Next: vs. Dallas They did not play a perfect game, but the resilient Predators figured out a way to win a trap road game versus the struggling Brigade. The Orlando offense turned the ball over five times, four on fumbles, but Kansas City could not take advantage of those mistakes as the Predators defense came up with three sacks and three tackles for loss to help the cause. Shane Stafford = Rex Grossman?

5. San Jose SaberCats (7-5) | Previous: 8 | Week 12: Beat Utah 74-64 | Next: vs. Colorado An up-and-down SaberCats offense finally put together an almost-perfect game, including eight for nine red zone conversions and nine TD passes by QB Mark Grieb. The aggressive SaberCats defense tallied four tackles for loss, three interceptions, and two fumble recoveries to keep the explosive Utah offense off-balance. Team San Jose got lucky on this – Utah was a recovered-onside kick away from beating the SaberCats at home.

6. New Orleans VooDoo (7-4) | Previous: 4 | Week 12: Bye | Next: vs. Georgia The VooDoo had a much needed week off and now get ready to host a surging Georgia Force on Monday night in front of a national audience. Their offense has been a little up-and-down in recent weeks, but the defense continues to be the most opportunistic in the league. I’m worried for the VooDoo – New Orleans’ recent track record of handling surges from the east has not been good.

7. Cleveland Gladiators (7-4) | Previous: 7 | Week 12: Beat Colorado 50-46 | Next: at Tampa Bay The Gladiators have four wins in their last five games, including Week 12’s win at Colorado, which is never an easy place to get a victory. QB Raymond Philyaw played a clean game with six TD passes, no interceptions and he got a solid game from his offensive line with no sacks or tackles for loss given up. Following the conclusion of the game, Sirs Kosar and Elway stared each other down with steely glares, the strain of which caused both to fracture their hips.

8. Georgia Force (6-5) | Previous: 9 | Week 12: Beat New York 72-67 | Next: at New Orleans The Force passing game was nearly flawless with big games from QB Chris Greisen and WRs Tiger Jones Troy Bergeron. They had a huge second half comeback to record their first win in New York in what was nearly a must-win situation. Winning in New York is no easy task, unless you’re playing the Knicks or the Yankees.

9. New York Dragons (6-5) | Previous: 6 | Week 12: Lost to Georgia 72-67 | Next: at Columbus The usually reliable Dragons defense could not stop the Georgia passing game — especially in the second half — and gave up 44 points to ruin an explosive offensive game of their own offense in a disappointing home loss. Isiah Thomas sees no problems here.

10. T.B. Storm (5-6) | Previous Rank: 10 | Week 12: Beat Grand Rapids 58-50 | Next: at Columbus While their offense was not perfect, the Storm relied on a great defensive effort to beat Grand Rapids. Tampa Bay produced six turnovers, including four interceptions, and harassed Rampage QB James MacPherson all night. MEDIOCRE JOKES TIMES TWO: 1) The Storm’s win is especially impressive with having tuberculosis and all. 2) Most oft-heard harassments of MacPherson included “your mother wears combat boots”, “have fun living in Grand Rapids, chump”, and “smooth move, Exlax”.

11. Arizona Rattlers (5-6) | Previous: 12 | Week 12: Beat Dallas 55-54 | Next: vs. Grand Rapids The Rattlers moved closer to the playoffs with an unexpected win on the final play of the game at Dallas. QB Jeff Smoker played well, but the difference maker was Trandon Harvey, who made big plays as a receiver and return specialist to key the huge win. Holy shit. Arizona ticket holders probably won’t get their money back.

12. Colorado Crush (4-7) | Previous: 11 | Week 12: Lost to Cleveland 50-46 | Next: at San Jose The Crush seem to be fading with four losses in their last five games. While they got a solid game from QB John Dutton and WR Ben Nelson, their defense could not come up with any big plays or get any pressure on Cleveland QB Raymond Philyaw. If they really wanted to get some pressure on Philyaw, they should’ve just told him they were pregnant.

13. Los Angeles Avengers (4-8 ) | Previous: 14 | Week 12: Lost to Chicago 72-28 | Next: Bye They were embarrassed in a blowout loss on a national stage. The Avengers got terrible QB play, no protection from the offensive line and were pushed around on both sides of the ball. The were never competitive in this game. Nostradamus and I both predicted the outcome of this game.

14. Utah Blaze (2-10) | Previous: 13 | Week 12: Lost to San Jose 74-64 | Next: vs. Chicago Utah knows how to play offense (QB Joe Germaine threw for 325 yards and six TDs), but as usual it couldn’t make any key defensive plays. QB Mark Grieb threw nine TD passes and San Jose scored on eight of its nine offensive possessions. In Utah’s defense, they drafted their entire D from the Pop Warner Junior PeeWee division.

15. Grand Rapids Rampage (3-8 ) | Previous: 15 | Week 12: Lost to T.B. 58-50 | Next: at Arizona QB James MacPherson could never get untracked versus a swarming Tampa Bay defense and threw four interceptions. In all, Grand Rapids turned it over six times and could not slow down the Storm pass rush. This continues to be an inconsistent team. Actually, they seem to be pretty consistently disappointing.

16. Columbus Destroyers (2-9) | Previous: 17 | Week 12: Lost to Philadelphia 51-43 | Next: vs. N.Y. Columbus had a chance to upset the Soul, but it could not stop QB Matt D’Orazio and the Philadelphia receiving duo of Chris Jackson and Larry Brackins. The Destroyers’ offensive line did not have a good game, giving up five tackles for loss and four sacks, making it tough for QB Matt Nagy to get any rhythm. Matt Nagy Cranky Watch Status: Conditions Favorable.

17. Kansas City (2-9) | Previous: 16 | Week 12: Lost to Orlando 58-51 | Next: at Philadelphia The Brigade had a chance to upset the Predators, but could not capitalize on five Orlando turnovers. Plus, the K.C. offensive line could not protect QB D. Bryant, who was sacked four times and pressured all game. They just lack big-play ability. Five turnovers. You won five turnovers. Charles Frederick deserves better than this.

 

CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: We’ve clinched a homefield advantage as Tampa Bay’s almost-guaranteed victory over Grand Rapids puts our season record at 9-2. This week: San Jose declares they are mas macho que Colorado.

 

WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: Another week of mostly uneven matches, so the closest game we have is Arizona and Grand Rapids with a definite advantage to the Arizona “We’ll Still Have All Your F***ing Money” Rattlers.

Do you know who agrees?

PRESIDENT BUSH’S ATTRACTIVE TWIN DAUGHTERS POSING IN LINGERIE, THAT’S WHO.