This is all that’s left in Utah’s “good news” file. Everything else is filed under C, for “Crap, total.” Also, we’re pandering.
Perhaps it’s that the actual normal-person (i.e. “unrelated to Arena Football”) schedule of team TC/JM has kept us from assimilating as much information as we should. Or perhaps it’s because nothing in this fucking league makes any sense. Hello, New Orleans, nice to see you here. Danny Wimprine makes that much of a difference? How wonderful for him, and for you. I’m not wagering against him anymore, that’s for certain. Full slate of winners/losers after the break.
Philadelphia 71, LOS ANGELES 34 Hooray for Matt D’Orazio and his back! Philadelphia, prepared for the inevitable bizarre catastrophic injury to Tony Graziani, managed to protect against that with wild success. That, coupled with their standard good-to-great defense, and Sonny Cumbie’s tendency to react to pressure like an unhousebroken puppy, led to Thursday’s (up against the NCAA tournament! Brilliant!) brutal thrashing. It was tied at 34 in the 3rd quarter. You do the math.
NEW ORLEANS 63, Cleveland 24Hooray! Cleveland was made to look as awful as we expected! At the hands of New Orleans, who is way better than we expected! We’ll take breaking even at the prognostication tables here. I desperately need to see more of a VooDoo game than 15-second clips because I’m beginning to think it’s less Danny Wimprine, and more a combination of James Jordan and the VooDoo defense. As a team, New Orleans already has more interceptions than they did all of last season. Soooooo, New Orleans = for reals, Cleveland = jury’s still out. Raymond Sillyname is the latest QB to get the crap kicked out of him, leaving the game with a sore right hand. Also, there was a Steve Bellisari sighting, once the game was out of reach. If you’re into that kind of information.
Columbus 52, UTAH 49 Ugh. The good news is that (I hope) no video evidence exists of this Asperger’s Prom of a football game. Columbus climbs barely out of the muck with a 35-yard field goal as time expired. The less said about these bastards, the better.
ARIZONA 62, New York 33 A Jeff Smoker-led Rattlers offense hung 62 on the beleaguered New York defense, while efforts on the other side of the ball taught us the Animal Farm-esque lesson “Aaron Garcia good, Rohan Davey bad.” More passes thrown by the estimable Mr. Davey smashed into the turf, ended up in the stands, or were picked off than made it into the hands of his teammates. Congrats, Arizona, you’re the awkward kid, picking on the fat kid.
ORLANDO 50, Georgia 45 Georgia – screwed? Yes, probably. Nevertheless, let us not forget that this was the last desperate play of the game, and the way we -and others -talked about them, it shouldn’t have come down to one play. So what happened to Georgia? I’m really asking, this isn’t rhetorical. In other news, is this the Orlando defense that Lesser Gruden was hoping for? Not particularly flashy, but 45 points isn’t too shabby. However: “Georgia players chased the officials off the field in protest,” doesn’t sound like Orlando laid any variety of smack down. This recap has been brought to you by Fence-Sitting TC: “Fuck it. We didn’t watch, we don’t understand, and what’s different frightens and confuses us.”
CHICAGO 70, Colorado 35 Hooray for the first C/Rush Bowl of the season! Double hooray because we’re homers and the Rush beat the tar out of John Dutton and the poor African children he sponsors/adopts. Not only did Damian Harrell set the all time reception TD record (303, 304 – A BILLION more than Jerry Rice, that sucker), but he also went on American Idol and, sneaking in as a bass player in the backing band, beat Kristy Lee Cook sensless(er) with a tambourine.
Dallas 59, SAN JOSE 55 Wait, what sort of demon majicks are these? San Jose doesn’t lose at home… Dallas is playing without Dr. Dolezel, who, at the end of the Colorado game was calling plays out of spite, and is playing WITH Chris Sanders, who’s a certified lunatic with a stage mom, and now without Will Pettis, who was concussed, and we’ll see how he is next week… AND THEY WON? In San Jose? Where the fanbase is like that of a standard sport or major college? And they make noise and stuff? I’m baffled.
Grand Rapids Wait, What? 92? NINETY-TWO? Bullshit. Really? Wow. KANSAS CITY 52 Setting aside – for the moment – the attitude of “FUCK yeah! That’s why we started watching this goofy sport! Let’s SCORE AGAIN!” let’s address the fact that, well, we know who’s going to be at the bottom of our rankings next week. Sorry Kansas City, I can’t hate on the GR if James MacPherson (McPherson is dead! All hail MacPherson!) puts up0 92 on the road against you and your “bend, break, dissolve, and weep openly” defense. Also: WOO! MAXIMUM POINTS! (This was, in fact, a road record) Score at will! Score at will! [Does beer bong]