What happened over the weekend? Everyone who wasn’t screwed before is now screwed. Except for Sherdrick Bonner, whose wife had a baby. But Graziani got his leg snapped like a twig, and Dallas has about one more quarter of keeping Chris Sanders alive. Other things happened, but it’s already 5, and this “venerable” website hasn’t commented on ANYTHING from this weekend. Nerts. [Update: Did it, and before Tuesday ended, too!]
Oh, and Cleveland’s 3-0, and that heralds the End Times.
Fake analysis after ye olde jump.
Chicago 64, GRAND RAPIDS 35
Sherdrick Bonner’s wife gave birth to a boy, Mason, on Thursday, and Coach Ho told him “You know what? It’s Grand Rapids, stay home, be a dad.” Russ Michna (pronounced “Mike-na” according to the radio gang – I had no idea!) helmed the Rush to a stomping of the hapless Rampage in front of a sellout crowd of Grand Rapidians. Adrian McPherson was sacked for a safety on the first play from scrimmage, the next play was a touchdown strike to Harrell, and then the ensuing kickoff to Grand Rapids was scooped up by The John Alfonzo and returned for a touchdown. This sequence would imply that Michna’s job could’ve been performed by a chinchilla with Bell’s Palsy. McPherson was replaced by MacPherson at the half to a consensus “Meh.” What does it all mean? Grand Rapids is execrable. Contraction!
ORLANDO 69, Utah 61
So, not only won’t Utah be capable of winning shootouts every week, they’re incapable of winning a shootout any week. 62, 63, and 61 points in three weeks is the second-most in the league, and Joe Germaine clearly can direct an offense of criminals and miscreants down the field – I’m looking at an Ohio State University, but I won’t say which one (Hint: “The”) – but he can’t keep the defense from allowing 63, 66, and 69 points. Jeezy Creezy, that is like unto a sieve. Admittedly, Orlando’s defense was just stiff enough on a 2-point conversion late that would’ve tied the game at 63, but didn’t get a stop on the ensuing drive. Of course they didn’t. Both of these teams are playing with fire (no pun on “Blaze” intended). The Blaze keep getting immolated by their own pyromania. They’re this year’s official “Classic NFL Blitz Error” team. Orlando is running just ahead of burning branches, machines, and Grudens. Shane Stafford is like the guy in the Spike Jonze video – he just keeps running, but he’s on fire! Nobody seems bothered by this.What does it all mean? Lesser Gruden admits that their defense has to get better. Danny White admits that perhaps the kicker wasn’t their only problem.
Cleveland 59, COLUMBUS 57
They will meet again in week 17 for The Battle For the Buckeye State 2: The Buckeyening, but for now, bragging rights go to the surprising Gladiators. I admit that I know less than nothing about this sort of thing, but if you had told me that the Gladiators and Desperados in week 6 might not be a battle of unbeatens, but that it would be the Desperados fault, I would’ve smacked you in the mouth. It’s possible! Cleveland looks like they know what they’re doing, and Columbus is running around screaming “Don’t you know who we are? We went to the ARENA BOWL last year!” What does it all mean: A resurgent Raymond Sillyname and assorted other shiny new components are making my prediction that Cleveland would be less than impressed with their new team look pretty dumb. HOWEVER: Cleveland, Dallas, and Philadelphia are all 3-0. They’re also all in the same division. Philadelphia’s injury situation is semi-dire, but Dr. Dolezel might be back by the time Cleveland meets Dallas. All three of these teams can’t be juggernauts all year.
GEORGIA 58, Los Angeles 34
All right. The Scrappy Chris Griesen got on the same page as Harrison Bergeron, and Georgia, for an evening, looked like Georgia of last year. The Avengers, who looked frisky in their first two games (admittedly against patsies Arizona and New Orleans – more on those Bizarro Worlds in a moment) couldn’t get any offensive action going, tallying but 7 first-half points. What does it all mean: Whew, something that happened kind of the way I expected it to. Georgia has talent, LA has potential, but can’t stand up to solid challenges.
SAN JOSE 63, Arizona 43
Are you thinking about going to San Jose to play a football game? Don’t. Darren Arbet will charm you, and Mark Grieb will sneak up from behind and throw you into a swimming pool full of sharks and shoot you in the leg. With his laser vision. Perhaps when LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] returns, their fortunes may change, but with Jeff Smoker, Arizona’s going to keep pretending to stay in games, as they did with a little trickery late in this one, but continue to come up short. Arizona fans might be conflicted about this, because, hey: free season ticket watch, week 3! What does it all mean: Hello, San Jose. Nice to see you again. Arizona? FREE SEASON TICKETS!
PHILADELPHIA 63, New York 42
AIEEEE! DOOM for the Soul! New York’s John Nix’s late hit on St. Tony Graziani (patron saint of the hard count) is going to keep St. Tony out for 3-4 weeks with an MCL sprain. Graziani got two highlight-reel touchdowns before that, though. One from his backside, and one where Brackins bobbled the ball off the back dasher. Matt D’Orazio’s Back came in and mopped up what was left of New York successfully. What does it all mean: Savvy pickup on Bon Jovi’s part to snag Matt D’Orazio’s Back in the offseason. St. Tony gets to hang out on the sidelines looking well-coiffed for another bunch of games this year, just like last year. On New York’s end, Aaron Garcia returned. For about 15 minutes. And then was injured again. Everybody Loves Rohan Davey returns next week with an all-new episo-zzzzzzz… (Screwed!)
NEW ORLEANS 76, Tampa Bay 55
Wait, what? Are we to believe that Danny Wimprine (not what a nun wears) is… for real? Brett Dietz nobly battles to get back into games, down a bazillion in the 4th. Brett Dietz wants to know how he finds himself in this pickle. Brett Dietz allowed a a 34-0 second quarter in favor of New Orleans, that’s how. Brett Dietz makes our predictions look pretty silly. Brett Dietz. (As Tampa Bay goes, so goes our meme.) New Orleans set about 67 club records in this one – sacks in a game, first time they’ve shut anyone out in a quarter, most points in a half, most points in a quarter, first missed field goal return for a score. At 2-1, New Orleans is tied with Tampa for first in the South. What does it all mean: If this wasn’t a total fluke, it means that Tampa Bay isn’t going to be able to roll over the Southern (MITSUBISHI) Division and spend the last four weeks in a drunken haze, having wrapped up a playoff bid. It also might mean that we give Danny Wimprine his own tag at some point in the near future. Orrrr… this could be Bizarro Death Week. That’s also likely. I mean, really, 48-14 at the half? It’s funny ’cause it’s poisonous.
DALLAS 51, Colorado 40
Pretty much covered this one with the “relatively-live” blog, but suffice it to say that Will Pettis’ back is pretty sore from carrying Chris Sanders around. Dr. Dolezel is calling punishment plays (“Run right qb z-80, and jump onto that pile of palm fronds. There’s totally not a bunch of sharpened bamboo under them.”), and Sanders is screaming “I love you!” into the crowd. I did not make that last bit up; I left it out yesterday, because I wasn’t sure of it, but I reviewed it, and I assume it was towards his mom. I am totally prepared to eat significant helpings of crow if Sanders manages to find his footing and knock off San Jose, but for now, the best compliment Sanders gets from me is that he’s being a competent steward of the Desperados. Meanwhile, Colorado lost the momentum last night and didn’t get it back. I blame it on Kristy Lee Cook. What does it mean: Dallas hopes for a speedy return, Colorado tunes back up with a bye week and can right the ship against the New Orleans team that made me a mush-brain in the previous paragraph.
Oh, and the CMRP was half right, half wrong, for a season record of 2.5-0.5. Enjoy your fractions, they’re going to be with us all season.