Holy crap, that was good times.
In case you missed it, our initial rankings, with links to our absurdist and unlikely previews (now with more bad math!) is here.
“Gentlemen, my balls are weighty. They have heft. They are dense, like dark matter.”
Occasionally, some pansy-ass quarterback will have some large person drive him to the unforgiving turf and cause him bodily harm. Fingers dislocate, shoulders separate, ribs get tweaked. Many times, the quarterback will dip into the chutzpah (pronounced “cortisone”) reserves, and get back out there, you know, if it’s not his throwing shoulder/hand/wrist/arm. Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D., doesn’t give a shit. He will separate his throwing shoulder and DEMAND to go out there for the last 7 minutes, and win the damn game. He’ll throw another touchdown on a bad wing, why not. He also sounds like Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights – I’ll prove it, I swear. What, the result of the rest of the game? The Scrappy Chris Griesen and Georgia were outdueled by the veteran Desperados. DALLAS 51, Georgia 41
Rest of the weekend, after the thing. Oh, yeah, home team in caps.
Every reservation about Sherdrick Bonner is rescinded. Matt Grieb’s laser vision needs to be re-calibrated, as he threw 3 interceptions, not counting the one thrown to the cornerback sitting in the first row. DaJuan Alfonzo returned 2 fumbles for touchdowns, as the Rush slapped the defending champion SaberCats around without remorse. CHICAGO 70, San Jose 47.
I include this for the first 20 seconds, primarily. The rest of the game was a touchdown tradeoff that ended in Colorado’s favor because they had two viable targets (Quinnie, Nelson) for John Dutton, while Columbus had one viable target (Not the Derrick Lee that played for the Chicago Cubs), and two guys with wiffle bats for hands. COLORADO 50, Columbus 47, Crusher 0.
Lang Campbell? Lang Campbell? I’m pretty sure he’s a soap opera villain (“Good afternoon, Tabitha.” [dramatic chord] “LANG CAMPBELL?!” [dramatic chord]), but a soap opera villain that threw 8 touchdowns to mostly rookies and possibly hobos. We here at ISF headquarters did not expect a defensive slugfest, but Arizona stiffened to limit Joe Germaine to 19/31, which, with additional help in the form of Utah kicker Steve Videtich missing a late extra point and a field goal with time expiring, was enough to eke out a win. Yet we still wonder if perhaps we weren’t too hasty in our total dismissal of Arizona. LANG CAMPBELL? [Dramatic diminished seventh chord] Arizona 63, UTAH 62
Aaron Garcia injured! Sun sets in West! Jack Nicholson batshit insane! Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Dragons have thrown Rohan Davey behind their porous offensive line, and Cleveland inaugurated the Q with a win. Raymond Philyaw and the upgraded defensive line may be more impressive than originally thought. CLEVELAND 61, New York 49.
Opening night of the AFL season! Woo! New Orleans stayed competitive through the first half, and then Los Angeles remembered how to play this wacky game, and pulled away. Sonny Cumbie looked competent for LA, and for New Orleans, B. J. Barre already looks like a heeeyouge upgrade from the limited options of yore. LOS ANGELES 59, New Orleans 42.
Brett Dietz only threw for 2 touchdowns, but protected the ball, and had to do something right to allow Torrance Marshall to have 4 touchdowns with 10 yards rushing. John Fitzgerald (Kennedy?) was… a quarterback. Which is something he hasn’t been in approximately 1,000 years, and Kansas City has to be thrilled that he didn’t just run shrieking from the field. Not a flashy game by any stretch of the imagination, but Tampa Bay did what they had to do. Tampa Bay 51, KANSAS CITY 49
Backup Gruden really probably didn’t need to start his team’s season against the re-tooled juggernaut that is Philadelphia. Mt. Wes Ours caught the first TD pass from Graziani, which, if anyone actually gambled on this sort of thing, likely would’ve paid out handsomely. Chris Jackson caught 4 touchdowns, which would imply his pickup was a boon for Philly, no? Shane Stafford played well, but Philadelphia was executing superbly on offense and special teams (Mike Brown had 2 50+ yard returns), and sufficiently on defense. PHILADELPHIA 77, Orlando 56
Oh, and the CMRP started the season in confusing fashion. Let’s call it 1-0, because while Joe added Bernie Kosar and the Cleveland score to the pick, the original pick was Colorado over Columbus. To victoire!