Our Damn Rankings, Week 1

1 03 2008

Yeah, I stole this picture. What of it?

Sonnie Cumbie! Steve Bellisari! Because we don’t have a choice!

Hey, for the record, this random-ass power poll is based on decisions deeply idly considered earlier this afternoon. Links are to previews.

(1) Dallas: Easily the best team in terms of talent and leadership. Deep bench makes them the team to beat. Eventually something inexplicably awful will befall them.

(2) Philadelphia: Graziani to Jackson is a dangerous combination. First team is scary, but the wheels came off when Graziani got hurt last year, and that hasn’t been addressed.

(3) Chicago: Replacement Sippio and Replacement D’Orazio look like Upgraded Sippio and Upgraded D’Orazio. May be the sneaky-best defense in the league, at least in turnover differential. Watch this space.

(4) San Jose: Doing yeoman’s work; it’s damnably difficult to repeat because crazy shit happens in the AFL (check the patent – I quoted that verbatim), but they’ve got a puncher’s chance to do so.

(5) Georgia: This young team has potential oozing out their collective pores, but Dallas and Philly are just too good to put them higher.

(6) Tampa Bay: See Georgia. If they get hot, they could get VERY hot. If they get the shakes, this could go to pieces so fast, people’ll get lacerated by the shrapnel. (Yes, I know we picked them as Arena Bowl Champions. They’re 6th. Deal.)

(7) Los Angeles: I kind of secretly like LA. I don’t think they’ll contend, necessarily, but they’re competent, and are going to be on the positive end of some surprising upsets. Mark my words: Darren Arbet, ordinarily a classy gentleman, will invent clever new curse words after the LA game in what will be remembered as the best press conference ever. “Smegmanavigating slutbadgers” may figure prominently.

(8) Utah: It’s now the stretch of average teams for whom I won’t be able to make predictions until week 12, beginning with Utah. They score a lot of points, just like everyone else. Everyone who’s not their #1 cornerback will get burned like tonight’s salmon effort.

(9) Colorado: The over/under on the number of times I will get Utah and Colorado mixed up is set at 21.5. This is all going to get adjusted when we see some point differentials.

(10) Orlando: Lesser Gruden may be as mysteriously and stealthily successful as Greater Gruden this year. Joe made this preview and I’ve taken great pains to know nothing about the Predators this year except for the fact that they never ever ever miss the playoffs and that their superfans are teriffico.

(11) Columbus: “Oh, no,” you say. “They’re ranked so low! But they went to the Arena Bowl last year!” You should shut up.

(12) New Orleans: Getting slightly better, but still firmly average. There’s a danger of this team playing in front of 15 people, which would be awkward, what with the AFL’s commitment to Nawlins in the form of Arena Bowls XXI – D.

(13) Kansas City: Quarterback downgrade, decent defense, and… I know NOTHING to look for from this team. It will surprise me when, in week 7, they’re still in playoff contention.

(14) Arizona: We’ve moved from the teams that are indistinguishable because of their mediocrity into the teams that are notable because of their aggressive sucking. Welcome to the “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch, Week 1!

(15) Cleveland: It’s not the bottom! #15 with a bullet! Raymond Philyaw Phever: catch it.

(16) New York: This team lives and dies with Aaron Garcia, and Aaron is now 1,000 years old and built like a Lladro figurine.

(17) Grand Rapids: Ha! Suck it, Grand Rapids residents: your Arena Football team is not very good, and you live in Grand Rapids.
AND THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK!

“Randomness says: Colorado wins its home opener against Columbus. Bernie Kosar knows what he’s doing. Wait, no, I got myself confused. Fuck you! I’m tired.” – Joe

Colorado 68, Columbus 54, Cleveland 56.

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One response

3 03 2008
Fez

Heh. Arizona beat Utah and messed up your scientific rankings.

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