What On Earth Can We Expect: The Columbus Destroyers

26 02 2008


I don’t know why we were using flags almost exclusively. Also: if you look at the word Columbus long enough, it looks really weird.


  • National Conference, Eastern Division
  • Slogan: “We believe.” As I recall, it worked really well not at all for the Kansas City Royals, so, there’s that.
  • Arena Bowl Championships: none, but they made it to the game last year, despite being largely dysfunctional.
  • Have a section in their Wikipedia entry entitled “Trail of Destruction.” Really.
  • Last year’s record: 7-9 (3rd). Smoked by San Jose in the Arena Bowl. We were there. (This still is baffling.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

Come on. I can’t keep track of teams that don’t totally overhaul everything. Coach Walrus is gone, so who will Matt Nagy yell at during games? I don’t know! B.J. Barre, Damien Groce, and David Saunders are gone, so who will Matt Nagy throw to? We found them quite charming at the Arena Bowl (we went there!), but will the collection of randoms that replaced them be as good? (Hint: no.) What on EARTH is going on here? Do you not want to win, Columbus? Congratulations, you and Cleveland can fight for your Buckeye/Possum trophy and, by those games, determine the basement in your absurdly stacked division.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Coach Doug Kay (enjoyably crochety!) even admits they fluked into the championship game. Quoth Coach Kay: “If I was naïve enough to think we were a good football team last year or as good as we need to be to compete with the better teams, then I’m stupid because we (weren’t).
  • I totally stole that from the Arena League website. What can I say? I’m lazy.
  • QB Matt Nagy’s a nice enough guy in real life, but the “Matt Nagy: Crankypants” tag remains my favorite thing on this website.
  • Center Will Rabatin is blogging. WE WILL BURY YOU (in rhetoric), RABATIN. GET OFF OUR PATCH.
  • Rookie WR Calvin Russell is a graduate of Tuskegee. Why on Earth is their mascot not the “Airmen”?

The Good:

I like the cast of characters; they amuse me. Matt Nagy is better than a fair-to-middling Arena League quarterback. Doug Kay gets more out of his players than pretty much anyone else in the league. This paragraph has been brought to you by the Ministry of Backhanded Compliments.

The Bad:

Did I mention that they’re in a division with Philly and Dallas? Who are these new receivers? Even New York is okay if Aaron Garcia stays healthy. (Which is the same thing we could say about Philly, but we’ll get to both of those teams… later.) They overachieved last year, and 100% of the AFL community that isn’t affiliated with the Columbus Destroyers or otherwise insane will agree.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

5-11. Screwsville. The loser of the Arena Bowl misses the playoffs, just like what they say about the Super Bowl.




One response

27 02 2008

Call me when the introduce head Coach Danny Kaye.

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