What On Earth Can We Expect: The Dallas Desperados

25 02 2008

Dallas “flag”

For the record, I added an artistic representation of the Texas Schoolbook Depository to the middle of the flag, but you totally can’t tell. So, let’s pretend you CAN tell. Also, assume that I made the ironic JFK “too soon?” joke.


  • National Conference, Eastern Division (it’s sponsored, don’t worry.)
  • Arena Bowl Championships: would you believe… none?
  • Owned by Jerry Jones, who wanted to name them the Texans, until Houston decided to name their NFL franchise the Texans. Americans may be bad at geography, but we get it: Houston and Dallas are cities in Texas. Jesus.
  • Last year’s record: 15-1, first everywhere, the juggernaut was (bafflingly) derailed by Columbus in the divisional round.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Hey, look, Dallas reloaded! (See, because they’re Desperados – their mascot shoots a gun? And has to reload with ammunition? Right? RIGHT?) Seriously, though, they’re in pretty good shape. Dr. Dolezel is still running the offense and has all of his weapons. They are, frankly, the class of the division, conference, and league. Look out, assholes. The Daaaaaaysperahdows are coming for you.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Josh Bush wanted to come to Dallas in order to be closer to his ancestral home: Belize.
  • Colston Weatherington is actually a British peer. His full title is Colston Mangles Weatherington VI, Earl of Light Wapping. He is also, by marriage, the Vicomte Fromage. He also picks his teeth with railroad ties.
  • Dr. Clint Dolezel is a recurring figure on this website, and with good reason. I predict… 101 touchdown passes. I’m serious about this number. Dolezel does not fear the Jack linebacker.
  • Remy Hamilton (nicknamed Monsieur Cohérence by some Frenchmen) joins the Desperados upon the retirement of Ol’ What’s His Face. (Todd Sievers).

The Good:

The Three D’s: Depth, Dolezel, and… Dirty Bastard, Ol’. Drive. Four thin- Determination. 5. Five things. And everything else about Dallas. Real, real scary. The chemistry’s the same, the talent’s the same, right?

The Bad:

The possibility of divine intervention in the form of injuries or a meteor striking the Earth. The economy. This post. Not the Dallas Desperados, certainly.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

13-3. What? It’s a hard schedule. Lose to Tampa Bay in the conference championship because Joe already put Tampa Bay in the Arena Bowl.




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