What On Earth Can We Expect: The Utah Blaze

14 02 2008

the angles tell Joseph Smith he will find the plans for an indoor football league buried in the forest

Joseph Smith is visited by angels, who foretell of skinny field goals with nets

Facts:

  • American Conference, Western Mitsubishi Division 
  • The potency of the Blaze’s offense is perfectly counteracted by the impotency of the Blaze’s defense (3rd to last in 2007)
  • Finished 8-8 in 2007, lost in wild card round to Los Angeles
  • 3rd string rookie QB Royal Gill is not a magical fish king
  • Northwestern alum DL Dwayne Missouri is ready to bring the pain, as well as mom’s cookies, to Blaze

A paragraph about upcoming Horror/Delight:

Give it to the Blaze, they’re only in the third season and looking for their third straight playoff appearance. Let’s just ignore the fact that ten teams make it to the playoffs each year, fact of the matter is that Joe Germaine leads one hell of an explosive offense, and with new rules freeing up the jack linebacker and the clutch addition of Missouri to the D line, Utah could be the whole package this season. Let’s ignore the fact that they don’t currently have a kicker on their roster, as Blaze veteran Steve Videtich refused to report to camp.

Bullet Points About People:

  • We still hold firm in our belief Joe Germaine’s face looks like a microwaved Marshmallow Peep.
  • Defensive Coordinator Hunkie Cooper is not a Slavic immigrant, but does work well with his hands
  • You’re invited to challenge their mascot, Chief, to perform various feats throughout the season. Yes, we will abuse this feature of the Blaze website frequently. Yes, we encourage you to send us ideas you’re submitting as well. Yes, we think this feature is a delightfully horrible idea.

The Good:

Ohio State quarterbacks. Northwestern defensive lineman. Fire.

The Bad:

Defense. Pyromaniacs. Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Blaze finish regular season 10-6, lose in first round of playoffs to wild card team (I dunno, Cleveland?). Chief is sent to farm where he can run around all day long.

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5 responses

14 02 2008
Josh

No one can get past Dwayne “The Wide” Missouri!

15 02 2008
robustyoungsoul

We’ll miss Dwayne in Philly. 😦

15 02 2008
JM

Yes, yes you will. Utah’s gain is Philly’s kick in the junk.

15 02 2008
JM

By the way, everyone, the “I dunno” attached to the wild card loss to Cleveland is appropriate, because apparently “I dunno” that they are in different conferences.

16 06 2008
friyet

i don’t know nothin’ about arena football, although i could pick it out of a line up… this post made me laugh, thanks.

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