What On Earth We Can Expect: The Chicago Rush

13 02 2008

This Logo Is Great

I was going to use the Chicago flag, and claim that the stars represent Fort Dearborn, the Columbian Exposition*, the Great Chicago Fire, and Ditka. But this logo rocks my socks consistently, and it’s a crime against design and nature that the IOC were babies about using their precious flame in the logo. I – and I am not making this up – have sat up in bed in the middle of the night furious that this logo can’t be used. DisGRACEful.


  • American Conference Western Division
  • Arena Bowl Champions: 2006
  • Allstate Arena/Rosemont Horizon conveniently located near really cool movie theater that I desperately want to go to.
  • Last year’s record: 12-4 (1st), lost to San Jose in conference championship game.
  • Ditka.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

This might be the team that’s helped most by the rule change that says the Jack linebacker can roam sideline to sideline. Perhaps you’ve heard of DeJuan Alfonzo? Speedy guy, hits really friggin’ hard? In fact, if memory serves, the Chicago defense as a whole seems to pride themselves on causing grievous bodily harm to opponents. (Grievous being another good middle name for Earnest Certain.) To whom it may concern: expect turnovers. In other news, the Rush have been one of the powerhouses in the conference for the past several years, and the moves they were forced to make by Matt D’Orazio’s bad back (Sherdrick Bonner) and by Bobby Sippio’s decision to make the leap to the Chiefs’ special teams (Damien Harrell) unit are pretty much the only way to have reloaded in those areas. Also, did I mention that The Alfonzo can do whatever he wants now? He can line up in the backfield. He can run onto the field from the stands. He can climb the end zone nets and fall on people from great heights. He’s allowed to be armed with a poleaxe. He can piggyback on the radio feed into the opposing QB’s helmet and sing that irritating Corrs’ song as loud as he wants.

Bullet Points About People:

  • Free agent acquisition FB/LB Dan Alexander set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns with 41, and his 426 rushing yards is the second-best season total in history. He can also tell a “clean” version of “The Aristocrats.”
  • Mike Hohensee quietly upgraded to a bionic arm after his parking-lot mishap last year. Rookie Fullback Erik Arevalo has been assigned to make the neeneeNEENEENEE sound as Coach Ho moves.
  • Defensive Coordinator Walt Housman is no relation to A.E. Housman, but did play him in the Arena League’s 2002 production of The Invention of Love.

The Good:

Hard-hitting defense. Damien Harrell was purported to be BETTER than Bobby Sippio by some humans. The resurgent Paul Edinger! Ditka.

The Bad:

Sherdrick Bonner may dissolve into a fine powder during the course of this year. They call him a “wily veteran,” because it’s rude to say “he’s really old.”

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, Lose to Storm in conference championship. Alfonzo wins an award. Maybe a BAFTA. I don’t know.

*Initially typed “Explosition,” which will become a word even if it means I have to get violent with some lexicographers. 




2 responses

14 02 2008

Is the clean version of the Aristocrats more than two sentences long?

8 09 2008

I’m pretty sure it’s only applicant cities that aren’t allowed to use the flame symbol. Once Chicago wins the bid it will be allowed to use this logo once more.

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