What On Earth Can We Expect: The Arizona Rattlers

12 02 2008


The blue represents the water that Arizonans will never see until California snaps off the West Coast and slides into the Pacific. Many residents will insist that it’s California’s own fault for being so damn liberal.


  • American Conference, Mitsubishi (Of Course) Western Division
  • Arena Bowl Champions: 1994, 1997
  • Their haunted stadium is made of adobe, and is built on an ancient Caucasian burial ground. OooooOOOOooo.
  • Last year’s record: 4-12 (4th place)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Last season, the only team worse than the Rattlers in the West pulled up stakes, moved to Cleveland, got Bernie Kosar involved, and was notable for having the Runaway Groom as their owner. Logically, this means that Arizona should promise fans that they’ll make the playoffs, or the Rattlers will refund their season ticket money. Seriously. I’m tempted to buy season tickets, sell them on StubHub or something and make a tidy profit.

More Bullet Points, This Time About People:

  • No more Sherdrick Bonner at QB. Now Lang Campbell (of the late Austin Wranglers) and Arbitrary Nemesis of It’s Still Football Jeff Smoker are competing in training camp for the starting spot. Apparently, Jeff and Lang have been to Mill Ave to prowl for ASU tail. Not that I can blame them. Though the second part of that sentence may have been made up, since the next thing they want to do is go to Scottsdale. WOO! CUT LOOSE!
  • If Campbell and Smoker end up being inconsistent to incompetent, Siaha Burley will make you forget. If we hadn’t been complete homers for Bobby Sippio last year, Burley would’ve been a name we doodled in our notebook margins. He’s from the area, and by all accounts, is a good guy. Charity work and whatnot. He was friends with John Paul II and Ghandi. He said to Bill and Melinda Gates, “Hey, have you guys ever thought about setting up, I don’t know, some kind of foundation?” Is St. Francis of Assisi in disguise.
  • Other additions: a bunch of guys I don’t recognize. That doesn’t mean they’re not important, it just means I’m an idiot.
  • The first paragraph in the orientation manual for Rattler rookies urges new Phoenix-area residents to use observe local rationing ordinances when making it rain.
  • New coach Kevin Guy is a total enigma, but reports suggest he may be bloodthirsty and feeds upon fear. Which could be positive.

The Good:

Burley. Maybe Coach Guy. The second section of the Rattler’s Wikipedia page is titled “Rattlers’ Rockin’ Highlights,” which is funny. Yeah, I’m grasping.

The Bad:

Struggling to keep up with (possibly) the strongest division in the AFL. No longer have the Gladiators to beat up on. May lose their shirts with this “free season tickets thing,” but I’m no economist.

Completely arbitrary prediction:

7-9, miss the playoffs by a game; Rattlers’ CFO Keli Davis weeps. Siaha Burley catches touchdowns, typhus; forced to sit out 3 critical May games against LA, San Jose, Dallas.




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