TOKYO, JAPAN – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Our most munificent and magnificent Captain of Industry, the honorable Chairman Takashi Nishika, has announced that Mitsubishi Motors will remain the Official Motorcar of the Imperialist American Arena Football Sporting League for the 2008 season, the 20th year of the Hiesei Dynasty! ALL GLORY TO OUR MANY FAR-REACHING TENDRILS! In the interest of further expanding the Greater Asian-and-Everywhere-Else-on-Earth Sports Co-Prosperity Sphere, Mitsubishi is also pleased to announce that in addition to the Mitsubishi National Conference, Mitsubishi American Conference, and their sub-groups, the Mitsubishi Eastern, Mitsubishi Southern, Mitsubishi Central, and Mitsubishi Western Divisions. Additionally, Mitsubishi has been resplendently been granted the rights to re-name Chicago Rush quarterback Sherdrick Bonner. Henceforth, he will be known as Lancer Evolution Bonner. It is also easier to remember how to spell; so smarmy American not-journalists will not have to look it up every time. Banzai!
Additionally, when played by school children, the Arena Football League (presented enthusiastically by Mitsubishi) game will employ a pass rush wherein all defensive players must count to “5-Mitsubishi” before crossing the line of scrimmage to pursue the quarterback. Any non-sponsored word can be punished by an automatic first down (now known as first “Galant”) and distribution of Ainu Burns by the wronged team.
Our economic victory is at hand! First the Arena Football League (presented in HD by Mitsubishi on Mitsubishi TVs delivered by Mitsubishi employees in Mitsubishi vehicles to Mitsubishi patrons. Mitsubishi.), then, in the same manner that we are quietly turning our Japanese Defense Force into actual armed forces, we will turn the Arena League into a sporting power!
NOTE: In related news, readers will remember that San Jose Sabercats quarterback Mark Grieb won a Mitsubishi Spyder as part of his Arena Bowl XXI MVP award (as voted on by the illustrious authors of It’s Still Football!), which he exchanged for an Outlander, because it’s more practical. We will not forget this, Mark. You are a nice guy, and you have laser-vision, but … really? Also, did I really throw a “bonzai” in there? TC = Classy.