The best things in life are free. Agency.

22 11 2007

Free agency - it’s all about the Benjamins

Wow. My only excuse for that pun is the massive head cold and accompanying migraine that promises to make this Thanksgiving nothing but shits and giggles. Enough bitching – if laughter is the best medicine, tracking AFL free agency can’t be far off.

After a quick perusal of ArenaFootball.com’s Big Old List Of Free Agent Signings, a few items popped out more than my lymph nodes in their current state:

ARIZONA RATTLERS

Arizona hands down wins the Sign the Most Players With Awesome Names Bowl, among their signees are Las Vegas DB Rufus Brown, Utah WR Siaha Burley, resigned WR Atnaf Harris, Philadelphia WR Jerrian James and DB Aric Williams, Kansas City DB Isaiah Trufant, and Nashville K Jason Witczak.

CHICAGO RUSH

What, no more Bobby Sippio? Not to worry, says Coach Ho, because Colorado WR Damian Harrell is here to fill the Make the Decent Matt D’Orazio Look Like the AFL’s Tom Brady hole. Speaking of which, D’Orazio can nurse his back at his leisure, maybe get into Bikram yoga, because Arizona QB Sherdrick Bonner is stepping in to take the snaps and be just a few letters away from the most lame and obvious porn name imaginable.

CLEVELAND WHATEVERS (or BULLDOGS, if you’re going to be a prick about it)

Bernie Kosar demands I no longer write fictional phone calls he has with current NFL QBs by signing the Eeerily Similar to Byron Leftwich Kansas QB Raymond Philyaw; also joining the squad is Philadelphia WR Sean Scott, Orlando DB Ryan Bowers, and Austin OLs Craig Heimburger (also DL) and Tango McCauley, who are also in talks with the CW to star in a buddy cop /football players by night serial, “Tango and The Burger”.

COLORADO CRUSH

As if to say, yeah, we don’t give a turd in handbasket about giving up our MVP WR Damian Harrell to divisional rival Chicago, Colorado signed JM’s Man-Crush, the Wes Welker of the AFL, San Jose WR Ben Nelson.

COLUMBUS DESTROYERS

What do you do when you lose the Arena Bowl because you can’t sustain a drive? Sign a royal ass-load of receivers, apparently. Matt “I Will Shave My Beard When I Damn Well Please” Nagy now has targets with WRs CJ Johnson (Nashville), Derek Lee (Georgia), Charles Pauley (Philadelphia), and resigned Jason Shelley.

DALLAS DESPERADOS

What could be more interesting than adding Los Angeles K Remy Hamilton and Columbus WR/DB Josh Bush? Try enough signings for an entirely new O and D line, if Jeff Chase weren’t a free agent from Dallas – joining him are signees Chris Berg (New Orleans) and Cyron Brown (Kansas City).  Of course, by “interesting”, we mean “we can’t think of jokes”.

GRAND RAPIDS RAMPAGE

Get ready for a season with Grand Rapids’ dual QB Threat: Adrian McPherson and free agent James MacPherson (Georgia); also coming from AFL Powerhouse Georgia to AFL Outhouse Grand Rapids is OL Fitu Ta’amu and OL/DL Marcus Keys.

KANSAS CITY

Columbus K Peter Martinez is moving from the middle of Ohio to the middle of Kansas, but his drive time to endless fields of corn will be about the same.

LOS ANGELES AVENGERS

Bor-ing.

NEW ORLEANS VOODOO

Orlando lets DB Lin-J Shell and OL Delanio Taylor go from one hot southern city to another; Austin WR Derrick Lewis might be able to give QB Andy Kelly a hand if he doesn’t turn to the AARP first.

NEW YORK DRAGONS

Arizona WR/DB Jeremiah Pope joins the ranks of the Dragons, otherwise, see our entry for Los Angeles.

ORLANDO PREDATORS

Other Gruden resigns WRs TT Toliver and Jimmy Fryzel, along with OL/DL Doug Miller.

PHILADELPHIA SOUL

Who is Tony Graziani going to sling it to since it seems they’ve let almost all their WRs go to different teams? How’s about Georgia WR Chris Jackson? That’s right. Suck it, every team playing the Soul in ’08.

SAN JOSE SABERCATS

Defending Arena Bowl XXI champs have resigned WR/DB Rodney Wright and OL/DL George Williams, but they have yet to resign Arena Bowl XXI MVP QB MARK GRIEB, prompting ISF to ask, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

TAMPA BAY STORM

One signing during free agency for the Storm, and it happens to be a target for ISF Friend and Official Orator Brett Dietz, Austin WR/DB Sedrick Robinson.

UTAH BLAZE

Utah has thus far a total of five free agent signings, and not one of them is a receiver. You guys know you’re in the AFL, right? I hope Tampa Bay FB Rodney Filer can catch a flare on third and short.

So there you have it – any other major news we’ll be sure to get to you within a few weeks of it happening. I’d also like to thank Zicam, which has all but elminated my cold in the five hours it’s taken to write this post. Back to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition – watching the Lions lose at home.

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