We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.
Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs –
delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:
Majority owner Jim Ferraro, realizing that perhaps rampant absenteeism isn’t the most skillful way to run a franchise, brought long-time pal Bernie Kosar onboard in the hopes of becoming relevant, and hasn’t yet renamed the franchise. Awesomecross. Kosar, who until recently was brought up only when I got bored playing pick-up football and would decide to throw the ball with his unique combination of sidearm delivery and stroke-victim-esque shuffling, says that he’s “excited to bring a team back to his hometown,” and that he bought his part of the team from Ferarro “with a sack of quarters in the kitchen cabinet that we always pretended was for the kids’ college funds, but let’s be realistic: we just said that to make the kids think they were contributing. I also had to get rid of it, because the temptation to brain my soon-to-be-ex-wife with it was too great.” Also of note: if you’re looking forward to buying tickets, or really finding any information, well, reduce your expectations.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to “THE Q,” Quicken Loans Arena, for YOUR! CLEEEEEEEEEVELAND MEDIOCRITY! (We also would’ve accepted, taking cues from the Browns: Dogs, Browns, Elfs, Ravens and Modells, or in honor of the Indians: Defeated Savages, Godless Heathens, Indigenous Persons, Smallpox Victims, and Eurocentricism. There aren’t any good jokes about Cavaliers. Roundheads?
James I’s Charles I’s? Interregnum?)
Kosar joins Bon Jovi, John Elway, Jaws, Da Coach, and Joey “Wait, I own what?” Galloway as celebrity owners. Kosar’s and Elway’s teams face off week 7, in Cleveland. Early prediction: PAIN.
Bernie Kosar: He was awkward, back then…
Relatively Big News: Rules changes: hey, Mac linebacker! Or perhaps Jack linebacker! One of you has to stay in your stupid crappy box, but now the other one gets to roam! As long as they don’t go more than 5 yards downfield before the ball is thrown. Watch out, passes to the flats, and… um, other routes less than 5 yards long. (I just checked: it’s the Mac linebacker who still gets less mobility than FDR.) The good news is that as long as we can remember who’s the Mac and who’s the Jack, there’s going to be way fewer decent defensive plays called back by that goofy penalty. It’s probably not going to reduce scoring that much, but I think it’s going to speed up the game a little (see: bizarre penalties, fewer) and make the linebacker position more useful than the windmill at a miniature golf course. Add to that the fact that the linebackers can release to do whatever they want once the QB pump-fakes (also new), and we might just have a little extra hitting.
New bull-feces rule of dumbness for dulling up broken plays and chaotic situations: balls that touch walls adjacent to the endline (hey, that’s clear, right?) are dead as soon as they touch the wall. Hip, hip: BOOO. I much prefer it when somebody fumbles into the end zone, and it ricochets off of random objects until some large person falls on it. Any rule that adds dead balls is a rule that sucks. If I had my way, it’d be Arena Razzle-Dazzle Rugby Mayan Ball Game Ball, and everyone would play until they collapsed from exhaustion. If someone got injured, the training staff would have to dodge the plays to get the injured person off the field. It’d be like crossing football with the Battle of the Somme. Which isn’t exactly a new concept, but the way I envision it is.
Oh, and the defense gets a communication device in their helmet now. Ostensibly for coach communication, but we all know it’s so ESPN viewers can try to decipher defensive terminology in addition to offensive terminology. Hooray.
Kind of Interesting News, NFL Bureau:
- Rob Bironas, formerly of the New York Dragons, set an NFL record with a bazillion FG in a game on Monday Night Football, which allowed Jaws and Tony Kornheiser (who I like, even if nobody else does) to chat about the AFL a little. Jaws pimping the Arena League is never a bad thing.
- Original Recipe Kurt Warner returns to NFL relevance (in a manner of speaking) as his Iowa Barnstormers announce their return as an af2 team. The team has been inactive since 2001. Though, since the af2 doesn’t believe in proper nouns, they will be the iowa barnstormers, except when they begin a sentence.
- Bobby Sippio has a 2-year contract with the Chiefs and has played mostly on the practice squad and special teams, much to my fantasy team’s chagrin. He did, however, manage to stay in the Chicago Tribune where, after the Chiefs-Bears game, he was quoted as saying “I’m the reason that [Devin Hester] touchdown got called back … Hester took it to the house, but I got held.” I’d link to it, but it costs money to read.
- Defensive Player of the Year Greg White, on the other hand, is playing with some regularity for the Bucs and actually has stats. Cleverly, we avoided getting an interview with Mr. White when we were at the Arena Bowl, because we are geniuses. 2.5 sacks! Might be starting, depending on what Gaines Adams does! AFL! AFL! We play defense, too, sometimes!
Kind of Interesting News, Giant Commissioner Bureau:
- Commisioner David Baker continues gripping the league in his gargantuan hand, signing a contract extension, the terms of which were not disclosed. Really, this note is a flimsy excuse to re-run this picture:
After these rums-and-coke, we’re going to Mordor!
Free Agency has been wild. So wild, in fact, that we’re going to have to give it its own post. Expect nerdy lines like this: “Matt D’Orazio’s back has failed Coach Hohensee for the last time. You are in command now, Shedrick Bonner.”