Better Know a Team: Arena Bowl XXI, Part I (Columbus)

23 07 2007

I figure that if we’re going to go to the game, we probably should know about the teams that are playing in it. All rules still apply, though I’ve expanded the scope a bit for the occasion. When grading the logos, 1 is prettier than Ginny Weasley, and 10 is creepier than Wormtail and his freaky-deaky hand.

This is still kind of useful.

First, because I like them less: Columbus!

Chris Columbus, Man of Action

Buffalo Destroyers (1999-2003)/Columbus Destroyers (2004-Present):

I’ll cheerfully admit that I’ve leaned heavily on Wikipedia for this series, and it’s provided a wealth of information. The Columbus Destroyers entry includes a section named “Trail of Destruction,” which hasn’t stopped making me laugh yet. It’s a great play on “Destroyers,” but the best part is that it includes three points, two of which are mentioned in the main body of the article. The third point references the fact that ESPN ranked Columbus’ upset of Dallas with the Miracle On Ice, which, to be frank, makes me a little barfy.

They were owned originally by a hamster. No, sorry, that’s Mark Hamister, who was just an ordinary man. An ordinary man who managed to have the sports team he owned lose roughly a million dollars per annum. This didn’t make his plan to buy the Buffalo Sabres look very solid, so when that bid fell through, he apparently said “Oh, screw this, I’m going to become just another Buffalo-area businessman again,” and got out of the sports buisness and maybe make some extra money babysitting or something. The Truth: while in Buffalo, they sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked.

They were purchased by a group that included the guys who own the Columbus Blue Jackets (another cringe-inducing team, but hey, I root for the Blackhawks, so my glass house has a number of stone-shaped holes in it) and the guys who pay the salaries of The Ohio State University Buckeyes football team.* Joey Galloway remains part of the ownership team, and the Destroyers hired former Buckeyes Coach Earle Bruce, who coached their inaugural year, and who then handed the reins to Chris Spielman, who was brought in for a little more Buckeye flavor (Note: DO NOT EAT – POISON).  I prefer to think of Spielman as Pam Ward’s erstwhile booth-mate for many an ESPN Regional D-team broadcast, rather than the one-year coach who limped to a 2-12 record before deciding that they’d be better off with Doug Kay. Kay led them to their only .500 season in 2006, and, of course, to the position they’re in now.

What would that position be? Why, only becoming the second consecutive 7-9 team to reach the Arena Bowl! Yes, indeed, the team that we gave no ringing endorsements to, ever, has show us the error of our ways! Things you should know about this year’s Columbus Destroyers include:

  • I swear to God that I’m not making up the tension between Nagy and Offensive Coordinator Wilford Brimley. I heard it with my own two ears on ESPN’s broadcast, and they don’t sound like they’re chummy. They don’t sound like they have a plan. Grampa Gary doesn’t seem to have noticed, and I think we’re the only ones talking about it, but I swear it’s there.
  • Um… I’m sure there’s something else interesting…
  • Nope. They’ve just been aggressively mediocre.

WE INTERRUPT THIS FEATURE SO I CAN GET ON THE HEAD COACHES’ CONFERENCE CALL THAT WE CAN LISTEN TO BECAUSE WE GOT PRESS CREDENTIALS. HA!

Oof. That didn’t go so well. Where were we?

  • You May Have Heard Of: Matt Nagy? We’ve talked about him a lot. Coach Kay said that nobody can throw the ball into the dirt or high and wide like Matt Nagy. I’m serious. I think he was joking, but he said it on the conference call where, again, I’m sure I sounded like Will Leitch on methamphetamines.
  • Logos: They only had two, and they’re both pretty cool. The Destroyers are named after the type of warship, as opposed to the verb, so you know. The angry buffalo looks appropriately cranky. The current one is a little generic, but they go to great lengths to hide the C and the D as a football being shiny and moving. So bully for them. Angry Buffalo gets 2/10, CD gets 2.5/10. Interestingly, the “Destroyers” word-thing is basically the same on both logos, and I think it’s supposed to evoke ships or steel, or something. But I might be reading into that, because I know it’s supposed to be warshippy.

*KIDDING. Do not sue or maim me.

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