Well, We’re Not Very Smart

13 07 2007

Poor Dr. Dolezel

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn’t have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

 SAN JOSE 76, Colorado 67

Things we got right: That San Jose would win. We both said it.

Things we got wrong: That it’d be a walk, that Grieb would significantly outplay Dutton, that Brandon Kirsch wouldn’t see a snap (2 rushes, -6 yards!), that Damien Harrell would be the stud reciever and still lose (half-right), that San Jose’s defense would hold off Colorado… I honestly didn’t think this’d be a shootout, but the teams were trading quick-strike touchdowns for what seemed like hours. San Jose did hold off Coloroado in the end, but it wasn’t as sure a thing as we expected. The kicking game was more of a factor (7/10 vs. 10/11) than was the play of the quarterbacks, who played pretty close. It made it a two-posession game, rather than a 1-posession game.

What Have We Learned? San Jose’s not invincible, just very very good, their defense is succeptible to getting tired and letting the WR behind them, Dutton isn’t wretched, just bad enough to not win.

Columbus 66, DALLAS 59:

What We Got Right: Matt Nagy was… cranky? That cheerleader is attractive? I am currently shrugging, looking at my feet, and spreading my hands wide. I’m baffled.

What We Got Wrong: Everything. Though we couldn’t have predicted that weird bounces off the nets and posts would mean the difference between Dallas being the colossus that continued to bestride the world mightily, or the colossus that was sold for scrap bronze after being felled by an earthquake. Some of our greatest hits?

  • “I don’t think Columbus has a prayer.” (TC)
  • “This is a classic David and Goliath story minus David, Goliath, and slingshots with rocks.” (J)
  • “The only source of drama is whether or not Dr. Dolezel will also sleep with Matt Nagy’s wife/significant other/sister.” (TC)
  • “The only source of drama is how many times Dr. Dolezel will sleep with Matt Nagy’s wife/significant other/sister.” (J)
  • “…are major upsets afoot!?! (Hint: no.)” (TC) 

Um, that’s the entirety of our predictive analysis. We didn’t do very well there. Also? Brooke has not returned our calls. We got that wrong.

What Have We Learned? Not to make anyone a stone-cold mortal lock. That Dr. Dolezel has retreated to his volcano lair, where he prepares for next season by throwing footballs into tiny, stable, black holes to see what happens. I want to know if Matt Nagy got into any arguments last week. I was at The Wedding That Broke My Foot, and didn’t see the game. Nor have any of the highlights (to my knowledge) focused on the Coach Wilford Brimley/Matt Nagy relationship.  Other than that? We blew it.

GEORGIA 65, Philadelphia 39:

What We Got Right: J said that Georgia would win, and he was right. He said that Georgia had “been dominant since the beginning of the season,” and they continued to be dominant. He also said “The Force won’t make the errors that killed Orlando when they played Philly last week, and as good as Graziani is, he may be hard-pressed to keep up with Greisen.” Philly made the errors, and they paid the price. Graziani pulled some people offsides with our favorite hardcount ever.

What We Got Wrong: Everything I said that wasn’t “I really like Chris Griesen.” It wasn’t a shootout, Philly made too many errors to be dangerous, et cetera. I’m glad that Georgia moves on, in any event.

What Have We Learned?That I’m an idiot. That Philly never got back into the groove that everyone expected them to be in at the beginning of the year. That JBJ mysteriously disappeared sometime after being on American Idol. We miss him. That Jaws dresses like your dad on vacation. That Graziani’s hardcount was terrifying. Hopefully he will be able to relax during the offseason. Maybe take in a couple of concerts. (“I DON’T REALLY LIKE BRAHMS! I PREFER MAHLER!”)

CHICAGO 52, Los Angeles 20.

What We Got Right: Bobby Sippio was at or close to 100%, or at least his mouth was. J said “If Chicago’s D shows up strong, though, D’Orazio and Sippio should be able to keep LA in check,” which was prescient. Chicago did, in fact, control the game, which I said. Sonny Cumbie was erratic.

What We Got Wrong: When we hedged our bets and said that the game would be close, or at least interesting. No mention of Matt D’Orazio’s Back of Death. My decision to blog the game at my parents’ – because of the Great Foot Injury of 2007 – was ill-advised, as they have the worst Internet service in the western world. 

What Have We Learned? That D’Orazio at 50% and a cortisone shot is better than Sonny Cumbie at 100%. That Chicago defense was able to manhandle a decent Los Angeles team, and is super-scary, if you’re the San Jose SaberCats. That I’m still going to live in Chicago for a little bit longer. Sonny Cumbie stil has “all the clubs in the bag,” apparently. Bobby Sippio wants all balls thrown in his direction, and isn’t afraid to berate the second-string quarterback in garbage time to make that happen.

Well, that’s that. Check back later for predictions and whatnot about the Conference Championships.




One response

17 07 2007

That’s actually a funny reference. I think I realized a year or two ago, that the Gray’s Sports Almanac was now of absolutely zero use. It’s a shame, ’cause I could have cleaned up in just a few years.

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