What’s That, You Say? Utah Fails To Live Up To Expectations?

3 07 2007

A Winning Quarterback, and a Terrible Color Scheme

 Sonny Cumbie, showing the NASCAR look that’s won so much respect for the AFL. Sheesh.

Dammit, Grampa Gary, you should know by now that the only thing consistent about Utah this year is that they’re going to come up short when you count on them. Sure, they beat LA twice before, and they scored the second-most points on the season (behind Georgia), but let’s face it: the’ve been shockingly underwhelming. Explodey-faced quarterback Joe Germaine managed to get intercepted thrice, and Los Angeles recovered two other fumbles, and it looks like this game was pretty much over by halftime. Unless J has anything to add, I was at a read-through for a gender-reversed Julius Caesar, and sadly, didn’t actually see the game. So, that’s the extent of our analysis on this one. My distinct apologies. I’ll figure out some way to make it up to you.

J Fizzle says: I actually did manage to catch some of this game in the second quarter, and my analysis is basically this: Utah looked abysmal. They couldn’t get anything right as LA was in total control the duration of the game. Imagine, if you will, either a baby trying to juggle running lawnmowers or an adorable puppy lollaping through a Soviet minefield: it may be cute for a minute, but it’s going to get ugly real quick. And so it did for Utah. Hopefully Joe Peeps will be able to get Utah back to the playoffs next year, and not throw picks off the net like yesterday.

The other item of note was another ‘Scouting Report’ on LA QB Sonny Cumbie (first item: “QB for Los Angeles Avengers”), the primary bullet point of which rendered me speechless and unable to write down the other two platitudes common for all QBs at any level (such as, “Needs to keep emotions in check”, although I for one like to see my QB have the occassional cleansing cry, but I can see their point, if, say, it’s not uncommon for Sonny to beat the shit out of his brother-in-law). The note was this:

  • Has all the clubs in the bag

Mark Schlereth (who aired some clips of himself on Guiding Light as Detective Roc Hoover) explained this means “he can make all the throws”. Seems to me if a quarterback can make all the throws, you should just say “he can make all the throws”. But that’s just me.

Some other suggested metaphors for being able to make all the throws:

  • Knows the names of all the Ninja Turtles
  • Has a sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato
  • He’s fucked all the Pussycat Dolls

Oh, also, the final score was 64-42, LA. TC was right: this was decided at the half (37-14). There be my two cents.




One response

4 07 2007
Red Sox Monster

Hey, thanks for the add on your blog roll, guys!

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