Mascot Battle: I Was Wrong About So Many Things

19 06 2007

They’re coming for your SOUL

In the grand tradition of posting things well after they’re newsworthy, I think it’s time to recap the 7-on-7 Mascot football game at the Rush game two weeks ago. I first mentioned it the previous Thursday, and got any number of things wrong, primarily the roster.

You can actually listen to their draft. And if you can get past the first minute, the other 6:00 is less confusing. And vaguely entertaining. Below is how it went down.

#1 pick: Dibs the Blue Demon (DePaul University). That’s a good pick. Clearly, you want the skinny, unencumbered mascots.

#2 pick: Skates (Chicago Wolves). The regular Skates guy inside the mascot played football in high school? That’s a big bonus, and barely fair. Waddle (I think) makes a solid point about the fact that you want to avoid the mascots with the giant headpieces, though.

#3 pick: Sparky (University of Illinois at Chicago). I know nothing about this mascot. And they didn’t say anything, either.

#4 pick: Grabowksi (Chicago Rush). Apparently, Not-Waddle wants home field advantage? But, as Waddle points out, he’s humongus. Also, Waddle had Grabowski at his house? To what end? To scare the crap out of his children? That settles it: I’m going to hire a mascot to loom over my roommate’s bed in the wee hours of the morning.

#5 pick: Tommy Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks). Okay, that was uneventful.

#6 pick: LU Wolf (Loyola University). Leaping ability? Really? Waddle seems distressed that he didn’t get this mascot. I’m miffed that I left Loyola off my list, because my parents went to college there.

A little trash talking… and then…

#7 pick: Jammer (Joliet Jackhammers) 300 lbs? Really? That sounds wildly uncomfortable.

#8 pick: Southpaw (Chicago White Sox), because he’s a lefty? He’s a SHE? I didn’t know that. Plus, they made fun of the White Sox bullpen, which is completely reasonable. I’m going to assasinate Nick Masset. Also, there’s a little banter about not being able to get into the costume with the mascot, because Not-Waddle’s a Furry, apparently. And now I’m going to go scour that thought from my brain with lye.

#9 pick: Ozzie the Cougar (Kane County Cougars). Okay…

#10/11 pick: Wilbur the Pig – there’s two of them? This is crap. Famous Dave’s Barbeque mascots? Also, they’re nightmare fuel. And I can’t imagine that they’re as athletic as the professional/university mascots, because they’re two high school kids who are desperate for jobs.

#11/12 pick: Mayan the Mango? What the hell is going on? Mayan Adventure Waterpark? I didn’t know that existed, much less that they had a mascot. I’m baffled.

And they close by making fun of the Blackhawks. That’s just radio gold, fellas. Infuriating ommissions include Willie the Wildcat (Northwestern University), Benny the Bull (Chicago Bulls), and Staley the Bear. The only thing I can think of is that these institutions (Bears, Bulls, Northwestern) are too high-class to be involved. Also notable is that no one picked the Sky Guy, but he just showed up to play. I like the idea of the Chicago Sky just sending their mascot like they’re the neighborhood kid who just shows up at things, and nobody can figure out who invited them. But you need 9’s to play baseball, so everybody shrugs, and he ends up in right field.

One other interesting thing to note that I didn’t think of until just now, and I don’t think Waddle or Not-Waddle thought of at all is that not only should they have been cognizant of the size of the mascot head, but they should also have paid more attention to the feet. The best picture is at the top of this page, where Grabowski and the Blue Demon clearly have running shoes on, and everybody else has freaky mascot feet. You can also see some of the aforementioned freaky mascot feet here:

Holy Crap (Mascots)

Here are the other highlights from ESPN AM1000’s gallery:

AAAAGH! Dead Eyed Pigs

Holy Mother of God, that Famous Dave’s pig is unsettling.



Athletic competition at its finest. The Gladiators signed both of these guys to a contract at the end of the exhibition.

I assume that you can get the recap of the game on that Monday’s podcast, which is back to being blocked at my office. I’m going to try to get around that problem on my lunch break. Maybe walk my laptop over to the Apple Store and download it.

And yes, we’ve appropriated the photos from Jen Gilbert and ESPN 1000’s website. So, thanks for that.

[Update: The full tag is “We’ve Really Been Giving the “Better Late Than Never” Tag a Workout Lately,” so you know. Also, I can’t make spellcheck work within WordPress. Does anyone know why? If I copy and paste it into Word, it all goes kerflooey. -TC]




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