It’s Wednesday, and while I know no one reads ISF for timely news, I still feel badly for not recapping last weekend’s games before today. But I’m paying for it karmically, in that I was tied this morning in the Ladies… bracket with Tom of NFL Fanhouse. So, vote, if you feel so inclined. On to the week’s results. With made-up information.
Kansas City 47, COLUMBUS 34: The Brigade clinch a playoff spot with this win, and beat the absolute holy hell out of Columbus quarterback Matt Nagy in doing so. Quarterback Raymond Philyaw caught a pass for a loss of 6, which I’m rather curious about, and offensive lineman Jamarr Ward, the pride of Morningside College, scored a touchdown on a screen pass and ensuing 13-yard rumble. We are required by the Constitution to use some variation on “rumble” or “lumbered” in conjunction with linemen doing anything that isn’t falling on other linemen. After the game, Columbus coach Doug Kay cut his press conference short because of his appointment to dress up like Feste and have Jim Tressel use him as a footstool while Tressel ate a dinner of diamond-encrusted endangered species.
Orlando 75, NEW YORK 54: Rohan Davey is back for the Dragons (Aaron Garcia is out being fitted with a hook for his non-throwing hand), with predicable results. Orlando clinches a playoff spot with this victory, which means Other Gruden is one step closer to us using his actual first name which, by now, I’ve genuinely forgotten. However, the rest of the game was conceived by madmen. Greg White, Devourer of Quarterbacks, forced a fumble that was returned for a touchdown that was erased and ruled an incomplete pass AFTER the extra point was kicked. Then he blocked a field goal. A kickoff return for a touchdown by Orlando‘s Ron Johnson was followed immediately by what looked to be a TD return by New York‘s DaShane Dennis, but Dennis fumbled into the end zone where Orlando fell on it for a touchback. Fortunately, after that, everyone stopped being on LSD, and Orlando just tromped out to a lead they wouldn’t relinquish. I passively saw the highlights of this, which made life a lot easier than attempting to decipher the hellish box score. (I don’t want to read your recaps, arenafootball.com. It might give me ideas.)
TAMPA BAY 69, Philadelpia 59: Brett Dietz. If he hasn’t recieved the Suomen Leijonan ritarikunta, I want to know why. Brett Dietz tears phone books in half and gives them to poor people so they can be used as kindling in the cold Nuorgam winters. Brett Deitz was the first person to say “Hey, te osata joka meidän presidentti ulkomuoto kuin? Conan O’Brien.”*
CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 32: Bobby Sippio returns! Rejoice! Unless you’re a fan of any other team in the league. The Rampage tried to get back into it with the recovery of an onside kick executed by the indefatigable Brian Gowins, but it was to no avail. I did find out some more information on the halftime Mascot Game, which I’ll address in its own post, I think. The Rush’s DeJuan Alfonzo also added to a stellar somewhat-under-the-radar season, recovering a fumble (his… sixth), and returning a missed field goal for a touchdown.
Georgia 81, AUSTIN 64: Yes, Austin is an unskilled football team, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that Chris Griesen has been well-nigh unstoppable this year. This weekend he personally accounted for 10 touchdowns and was seen at practice throwing the ball straight up in the air and running to get under it in the end zone. Lang Campbell of Austin might actually turn out to be quite good, as he put up 488 yards and 8 touchdowns this weekend, but he could not stand up to the withering glare of The Eye of Griesen. Oh, and Griesen threw his 100th touchdown pass this season, beating Joe Germaine of Utah to the mark, who threw his 100th in the 3rd quarter of the Utah/San Jose game. They join Aaron Garcia (100 in 2003 and 104 in 2001) and Dr. Dolezel (105 in 2006, the current record) as the only quarterbacks in professional football to break 100 touchdown passes in a season. Also: The CM”R”P is now 8-6, by my math.
DALLAS 80, New Orleans 79: Holy crap, the VooDoo went for the win in a nearly meaningless game! That’s awesome. Steve Bellisari’s 2-point conversion pass attempt struck a dove in flight and fell to earth, with no time left on the clock. I assume that’s what happened, anyway. But hell, two teams trading touchdowns nearly evenly is a hell of a way to watch a football game. Dr. Dolezel threw eleven touchdown passes. We may have a season where four players throw more than 100 touchdowns. Clint is 5 shy of 100, and Mark Grieb is at 93. “Desperados win in a shootout” is too easy of a line, right? Okay, I didn’t say that. Anyway, one turnover (Bellisari INT), and one missed fieldgoal, and a metric fuckton of scoring. Good game!
San Jose 70, UTAH 49: Well, true to form, Utah made a mess against a quality team. Joe Germaine, he of the explodey-peep-face, threw his 100th touchdown pass shortly after Chris Griesen threw his 100th for the Georgia Force. Other than that, San Jose had no trouble dispatching the Blaze. Mark Grieb threw 10 touchdown passes to put him at 93 for the year. These teams are scoring a LOT this year.
Nashville 63, LAS VEGAS 48: Also true to form, Las Vegas made a mess against a team. Today is Jeff Smoker’s birthday, so… happy birthday, Jeff. Get bent. The good news out of this game is that I learned about Terrance Quattlebaum, who is a fair wide reciever and has a great name. Dan Alexander ran for 5 touchdowns, continuing to add to his single-season record. He currently outstrips the 1996 output of Bernard Hall (St. Louis Stampede)** by 12. I’m going to say that’s pretty much insurmountable. Though I haven’t been doing much surmounting lately, so perhaps I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Los Angeles 55, ARIZONA 52: Aaaaannnd Arizona’s season comes to an end. Well, it really came to an end last week, but I didn’t note it at the time. News of the giant linemen: Avengers nose guard Jason Stewart hauled in a tipped ball and rumbled/lumbered 24 yards for the score. Arizona had the lead at the half, but three straight LA touchdowns to open the 4th quarter were more than the Rattlers could bear. This game was less of a crap-fling than we prediced, but whatevs. It happened, it’s over, it was meh. Much like my audition this afternoon.
*I really hope this means, “Hey, you know who our president looks like? Conan O’Brien.” in Finnish.
**Holy shit, I left the St. Louis Stampede out of my Better Know a Team series. How weird is it that this is how I’d discover it?