Power Rankings Translated, For Your Convenience

1 06 2007

So… what are Scouts, Inc. really saying about the AFL? Here. I’ve translated. Now I’m going to burn my office to the ground. J Fizzle’s, too. As a favor.

The rankings, after the link:

1. (1) Dallas (11-1)
Last week: Beat Columbus 56-47
This week: at Philadelphia
A complete offensive effort by QB Clint Dolezel, WR Will Pettis, and the power running game was enough to give the Desperados the Eastern Division title and a first-round bye.

Translation from Scouts, Inc. Language: “And if they didn’t beat Columbus, we would’ve quit.”

This week: EXCITEMENT! (Prediction: Dallas in a squeaker)

2. (2) Georgia (10-2)
Last week: Beat Tampa Bay 52-38
This week: vs. Columbus
The Force got a solid game from QB Chris Greisen, a great night by WR Chris Jackson, and a terrific defensive effort that produced four interceptions. 

Translation: “Eh, they’re just beating everybody. Just copy the Dallas thing. Nobody but bloggers with too much time on their hands will notice.”

This week: Extreme dullness! (Prediction: Georgia by a jillion)

3. (4) Chicago (9-3)
Last week: Beat Arizona 53-47
This week: at Los Angeles
The Rush put together a 24-0 run midway through the game and held on to beat the Rattlers to nail down a playoff spot for the seventh consecutive season. 
 

Translation: TC’s interpretation: Scouts, Inc. hasn’t really gotten fired up about any of the top three. I think, much like Dallas, Georgia, and Chicago, they’re coasting towards the playoffs.

This week: Meh. (Prediction: If Sippio’s in, it’s a bloodbath, if not, Los Angeles could threaten)

4. (3) San Jose (9-3)
Last week: Beat Nashville 48-34
This week: vs.
Orlando
The veteran SaberCats are starting to look like a complete team, especially on defense, and they used a 21-0 run in the third quarter to pull from the Kats. 
 

Translation: “TC LIKE SAN JOSE. SAN JOSE MAKE NOISE. RAR.”

This week: Good game! For reals! (Prediction: but Orlando won’t be able to hang late. Go S’cats.)

5. (5) Colorado (8-5)
Last week: Lost to Grand Rapids 58-56
This week: at Utah
The Crush got a decent night from QB John Dutton and a terrific game by WR Damian Harrell, but their defense and special teams could not make key stops in an upset loss to Grand Rapids. 
 

Translation: “What happened? Grand Rapids shouldn’t have even been close.” Well, Scouts, Inc., that’s what happens when you leave the game on the mental toughness of a Northwestern grad.

This week: EXPLOSIONS OF OFFENSE! WHEE! (Prediction: Utah, because they both go to pieces in big games and somebody has to win.)

6. (6) Orlando (7-5)
Last week: Lost to Utah 65-62
This week: at San Jose
The Predators’ tough-luck home loss turned on a blocked extra point that Utah returned for a two-point score in the final two minutes.

Translation: “We’re looking for any way to avoid blaming this on the guy whose name rhymes with ‘Schruden.’”

This week: The Preds aren’t going to beat San Jose. Write it down.

7. (8) Philadelphia (6-6)
Last week: Beat Austin 76-66
This week: vs. Dallas
With QB Tony Graziani back from a shoulder injury and throwing seven TDs in the win over Austin, the Soul have won two straight and are rolling heading into the final weeks of the season. 
 

Translation: “We’ll have Tony G’s babies.”

This week: Yes. Big game. I mentioned that already.

8. (9) Kansas City (7-5)
Last week: Beat Los Angeles 62-56
This week: at
Grand Rapids
QB Raymond Philyaw continues to be a model of consistency. He and underrated WR/KR Charles Frederick combined for a huge first half that

Los Angeles could not overcome. 

Translation: “By ‘consistency,’ we mean ‘consistently mediocre,’ because KC is the most average team ever.”

Prediction: Eeegh… Grand Rapids over Kansas City. Whatever.

9. (13) Utah (6-7)
Last week: Beat Orlando 65-62
This week: vs.
Colorado
The Blaze got a huge game from WR Siaha Burley and snapped a five-game losing streak. The win over
Orlando was Utah‘s most complete game in a month.  

Translation: “Yeah, we have no idea either. Good luck!”

Prediction: Yeah, Blaze, but I don’t know why. I don’t feel any better about it than I did a few paragraphs ago.

10. (7) Los Angeles (6-6)
Last week: Lost to Kansas City 62-56
This week: vs.
Chicago
A lethargic first half in which they were shut out in the second quarter and made no defensive stops led to a 34-14 deficit that the Avengers could not overcome. 
 

Translation: “How many more of these do we have to do?”

Prediction: Screwed.

11. (10) Columbus (6-6)
Last week: Lost to
Dallas 56-47
This week: at
Georgia
The Destroyers could not make enough defensive stops versus the potent

Dallas offense. Plus, throwing a pair of interceptions didn’t help
Columbus much either. 

Translation: “Columbus is bad, Dallas is good, you do the math.”

Prediction: Also screwed.

12. (12) New York (5-7)
Last week: Beat New Orleans 69-63
This week: vs. Austin
The Dragons played great on offense, led by QB Aaron Garcia’s nine TD passes, but it was their defense and a great goalline stand in the last minute that preserved a big win.
 

Translation: “Oooh! A bad team might be good! We’re awake again!”

Prediction: An absolute shellacking of Austin.

13. (11) Tampa Bay (5-7)
Last week: Lost to Georgia 52-38
This week: at New Orleans
The honeymoon for Storm QB Brett Dietz is officially over as the Georgia defense intercepted him four times. On defense, the Storm secondary simply had no answer for WR Chris Jackson.
 

Translation: “We’re drunk. Can we go home?”

Prediction: Oh, dear. Um… New Orleans, just to make the bottom of the league more indistinguishable.

14. (16) Grand Rapids (4-8)
Last week: Beat Colorado 58-56
This week: vs. Kansas City
An explosive return game and a balanced offensive attack led by QB Chad Salisbury, WR Cornelius Bonner, and WR/KR Timon Marshall led to the upset win over the Crush. 
 

Translation: “We’re going to leave out Brian Gowin’s GW FG, just to piss off those haughty bastards at It’s Still Football.”

Prediction: What’d I say up there? (scrolling up) Grand Rapids. Whatever.

15. (14) Nashville (5-8)
Last week: Lost to San Jose 48-34
This week: Bye
The young Kats got cold in the second half and could not get anything going offensively against the tough San Jose defense in a tough home loss. 
 

Translation: “They run a lot, and when that fails, they have to rely on Jeff Smoker. Joke’s on them, eh?”

Prediction: The Nashville Kats will beat Off. Off week. Bye week. Family show. (Not really)

16. (15) New Orleans (4-8)
Last week: Lost to New York 69-63
This week: vs. Tampa Bay
Backup QB Steve Bellisari played great, replacing injured Andy Kelly, but the VooDoo tried to milk the clock in last minute before scoring and it backfired in a bitter home loss. 
 

Translation: “You don’t run out the clock, you idiots, you try to score. And score and score and score. That’s the Arena Football Way.”

Prediction: I hate the very thought of this game.

17. (17) Arizona (3-10)
Last week: Lost to
Chicago 53-47
This week: at
Las Vegas
The Rattlers tried to come back in the second half, but they spotted the Rush too big of an early lead and
Arizona just couldn’t get enough offensive possessions.  

Translation: “No hope for bad teams. See you next year, Bonner.”

Prediction: Why isn’t this our Pillow Fight of the Week? 0-0 tie, everyone dies of boredom.

18. (18). Austin (3-9)
Last week: Lost to
Philadelphia 76-66
This week: at
New York
Young QB Lang Campbell played a solid game, but the Wrangler defense could not slow down Tony Graziani and the revived Soul offense. 
 

Translation: “We have nothing good to say about Austin.” Which, incidentally, is what we’ve been saying for weeks and weeks.

Prediction: The revived New York Dragons aren’t going to make life any easier on
Austin.

19. (19) Las Vegas (2-10)
Last week: Bye
This week: vs. Arizona
The Gladiators got a much-needed bye week and even though they lack quality personnel, at least they still are trying to compete. 
 

Translation: “We didn’t like their chances even against a bye. They’re only playing more games because they’re required to.”

Prediction: 100% chance of me avoiding the fuck out of this game.

[Update: I have no idea why the formatting changes over and over, and why I can’t get Dallas to match the rest of the thing. Screw that noise. Sorry.]

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