Great success for It’s Still Football in Week 7! The Can’t Miss Random Pick record improves to .500! Though, concernedly, we may be losing a bit of our ironic detachment. I say this because, while watching yesterday’s game, we not only found ourselves getting invested in the outcome, but made some reasonable analysis, keeping in mind the strategy of Arena Football. And I didn’t say “Well, if [team] can get a defensive stop here,” once. Because, let’s be realistic: Hahahahahahahaha.
With that said, I still have no real idea what happend in probably 77% of this weekend’s action, but that won’t stop The Weekend In Review, where I can promise that the scores are accurate. The analysis comes to me in visions.
Friday Night Track Lighting With Nets On a Short Field:
NEW ORLEANS 67, San Jose 54. I apparently was full of crap when I said that San Jose might be a strong defensive team. Or, maybe I wasn’t; who can tell in this crazy-ass league? It might be that they all wore their orthopedic shoes on Friday. Or it might be that San Jose’s Mark Grieb threw three picks. That’s not going to win you many ballgames. The middle of the pack just got more middle-y, with San Jose dropping to 3-3, and New Orleans improving to 4-3. What I didn’t know until just now was that New Orleans was playing with out starting QB Andy Kelly, WR Tyronne Jones, and FB Dan Curran, so maybe this is more impressive than I initially thought.
UTAH 76, Los Angeles 63. All I know is that before Joe Germaine attended The Ohio State University, and was a Big Ten MVP and Rose Bowl MVP, he attended The Scottsdale Community College, home of the Fighting Artichokes. I shit you not, that’s what they’re called. My grandparents took a computer class there quasi-recently. Oh, and he threw 10 touchdown passes in a shootout. That’s a lot of touchdowns to overcome, porous Los Angeles defense. Way to run into each other and fall down. P.S. What the hell happened to Germaine? Did he fall in a well? How’d he end up throwing a taupe ball at a trampoline in the Salt Lake City Civic Center?
COLUMBUS 72, Austin 49. Well, after putting the fear of whatever God cares about Arena Football (answer: a bored one) into Utah, Austin resumed their standard incompetence. There is no truth to the rumor that the Wranglers are considering calling up the actors from Friday Night Lights to suit up and play. Though they are on hiatus, just waiting to find out if their show’s going to be picked up. It films in Austin. It seems like a simple solution. At least hire Kyle Chandler to coach up Adrian McPherson. Oh, and RENEW THE DAMN SHOW ALREADY, NBC. What? Thegame? Fuck you, I’m talking about FNL. Austin’s awful, Columbus is… I don’t know, a deceptively decent 3-3.
ORLANDO 61, Tampa Bay 37. Well, this rivalry isn’t very gripping this year. Eventually, we will examine the free-fall that is the Tampa Bay Storm, but that requires a better grasp of what’s actually going on. If you don’t count the first quarter, the Predators won in a walk. Other Gruden had the following to say with respect to that first quarter, after the game: “The [expletive] keys were sitting on the [expletive] end table the entire [expletive]ing time. Don’t you hate that? Don’t you just [expletive]ing hate that? I bet that [expletive] never [expletive]ing happens to my [new, creative expletive] brother. Anyway, that’s where I was. I only missed a [expletive] field goal. Tampa [expletive] is [expletive] this [expletive] year anyway. [Expletive].” Oh, and Orlando had three touchdowns off of fumble recoveries, which was on some highlights somewhere. I actually did see that.
KANSAS CITY 52, Grand Rapids 41. You know what? Nothing happened in this game. It occurred, it wasn’t obscenely high scoring, both teams were in it for most of the game, and then time expired. Boo Williams is a funny name, and he caught some touchdown passes from Raymond Philyaw. Sam Simmons didn’t play, but other than that, my haiku was pretty accurate.
Nashville 62, ARIZONA 36. I don’t care that much-maligned (by me) Jeff Smoker threw 6 touchdowns in the rout of the Rattlers. I still don’t like him, and that’s all that matters. Besides, you could put a reasonably athletic chimpanzee in pads and he’d fling up 4 or 5 touchdowns against Arizona’s defense, which I’m convinced suffers from vertigo or something. They’ve given up fewer than 60 points twice, once against the abysmal Las Vegas Gladiators and once against the Colorado Crush, who apparently played with their helmets on backwards. It’s the only explanation.
Colorado 49, NEW YORK 48. New York simply cannot buy a break. Colorado scored with 39 seconds left, and Rohan Davey‘s final pass was intercepted on a rather zesty move by Chris Angel of the Crush to seal the victory. New York, you would do well to note, has played an relatively difficult schedule to start the season. Their opponent’s winning percentage is .590 before you take out Tampa Bay, who, of course, accounts for their only victory. After that, it jumps to .687. Zoinks!
I’m going to eat lunch, and then get to the last two games.
Okay, lunch is over, and now we’re in the home stretch.
GEORGIA 69, Las Vegas 68. Could it be that Shaun King was so bad, he took the rest of the Gladiators down with him? The mysterious Brian Jones had an answer for everything Georgia brought, and a fumble recovery in the end zone to end the first half and a touchdown drive to begin the scoring in the second half almost led to the upset. Taking a lesson from Frederick the Great (“L’audace, l’audace, toujours l’audace, for those of you who aren’t Patton fans), Vegas coach Danton Barto went for the two-point conversion to win, rather than kicking the extra point, and Georgia intercepted to call it a day. But this would’ve been the upset of the week, if not for that interception.
DALLAS 51, Philadelphia 41. The live-blog pretty much says all that can be said about this game, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that strangely-named Juston Wood is going to be playing for a little bit longer. Tony Graziani said that not only could he not move his arm above his head, but that he also thought he was going to play this coming week. In the same sentence. Yeah. Meanwhile, Man-Tank Wes Ours was unable to retain the ball in his gigantor paws again this week, which bodes ill for him dragging wreckage into the end zone for the forseeable future. Oh, and the 800 touchdown barrier has been broken.
Meanwhile, I was going to try to give the Most Motor-Skills-Challenged of the Week award to an individual, but frankly, I’m really going to have to give it to Most of the Tampa Bay Storm. Prior to being carted off the field, Stoney Case threw half of his passes to the fans, the other team, and inanimate objects, then on the play that injured him, he coughed up the ball and it was returned for a touchdown. The holder fumbled an extra point snap. Karl Williams fumbled a kick return that was brought back to the house, and Lawrence Samuels did the same thing after catching a John Kaleo pass that ought to have been a TD for the Storm. Meanwhile, the Storm Offensive Line allowed the sack that injured Case, as well as a blocked kick and a safety. The defense only gave up 188 yards, but then again, they were only called upon for 39 plays. So, congratulations Tampa Bay, you messed the bed but good.