Week 6 Power Rankings + Can’t Miss Random Pick

5 04 2007

Tampa Bay - a storm of SUCK

Tampa Bay – a Storm of Suck

It is time, once again, to review the AFL rankings as proclaimed by Scouts Inc., and for snide remarks to be added in bold face. Since it is rather early, and your J Fizzle’d editor has quite a bit to do at the office overlooking the strip club this morning, this week’s bold face will be a free-association-based-on-the-description theme. Which will most likely blow. With those high expectations, here we go: (note: previously I tried doing an animal-themed free association, then a specific adjective free association, both of which were AWFUL. Trust me, this is an improvement). [further note: this is still a terrible post – apologies – hugs and kisses, J Fizzle]

1. (1) Dallas (5-0)
Last week: Beat Austin 68-64
This week: vs. Columbus
The Desperados came out flat and actually trailed Austin 30-7 before settling down and deciding to play. Still, it took an onside kick return for a TD late to seal the win.

TASTY PANCAKES

2. (2) Philadelphia (4-0)
Last week: Beat New York 65-60
This week: vs. Georgia
The Soul offense is really starting to hit its stride, but the usually stifling defense gave up 385 yards and eight TDs to New York QB Rohan Davey. Overall, it was a sloppy performance.

CHRIS FARLEY

3. (4) Chicago (4-1)
Last week: Beat Los Angeles 66-31
This week: at Nashville
The Rush played a complete game in a blowout home win over lifeless L.A.. They received a huge game by WR Bobby Sippio (14 catches for 224 yards and five TDs) and a dominating defensive effort.

JOHN C. McGINLEY AS ‘DR. COX’ ON ‘SCRUBS’

4. (3) Georgia (4-1)
Last week: Lost to Columbus 62-61
This week: at Philadelphia
The offense was solid, led by Chris Greisen’s seven TD passes. But the defense could not make any key stops, especially in the last minute, and the Force suffered their first loss of the season.

INSTANT OATMEAL

5. (5) Utah (4-1)
Last week: Beat Las Vegas 57-47
This week: at Austin
After posting an early lead, the Blaze had to rally in the fourth quarter to beat the Gladiators. Still, they got another good game from QB Joe Germaine, who threw for 340 yards and seven TDs.

POLISH INFANTRY

6. (10) New Orleans (3-2)
Last week: Beat Orlando 48-45
This week: at Tampa Bay
The VooDoo got a good effort from their defense, and the offensive line played well enough to allow an inconsistent offense to score some points in a big, character-building win.

POTATOES

7. (8) Colorado (3-2)
Last week: Beat Nashville 55-48
This week: at San Jose
The Crush showed their maturity with a strong fourth quarter comeback to defeat a very gritty Nashville squad, and they did it without a big game from WR Damian Harrell.

AXE BODY SPRAY FOR MEN

8. (12) San Jose (2-2)
Last week: Beat Tampa Bay 69-49
This week: vs. Colorado
SaberCats QB Mark Grieb threw eight TD passes, four to WR Ben Nelson. The defense forced three turnovers against Tampa Bay, two of which it returned for touchdowns.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS

9. (6) Los Angeles (2-2)
Last week: Lost to Chicago 66-31
This week: vs. Arizona
The Avengers played with little emotion and seemed like a tired team in a blowout loss at Chicago. The Rush defense totally controlled the game.

RAGGEDY ANN

10. (7) Orlando (2-3)
Last week: Lost to New Orleans 48-45
This week: Bye
The slumping Predators played well enough on defense to win, but the offense couldn’t capitalize on five VooDoo turnovers despite a good night from QB Shane Stafford, who threw for 309 yards and five TDs.

THE AUSTIN WRANGLERS

11. (9) Nashville (2-3)
Last week: Lost to Colorado 55-48
This week: vs. Chicago
The Kats blew a 14-point fourth quarter lead and couldn’t make enough stops down the stretch in a very physical and intense game.

SAND CASTLES

12. (15) Columbus (2-2)
Last week: Beat Georgia 62-61
This week: at Dallas
QB Matt Nagy threw a TD pass with 14 seconds left, and the Destroyers went for the win with a successful two-point conversion to shock the visiting Force.

DOUG FLUTIE

13. (14) Kansas City (2-2)
Last week: Beat Arizona 62-61 OT
This week: at Las Vegas
QB Raymond Philyaw threw a 35-yard TD pass on the first play of OT to give KC the lead. Then the defense, after allowing a TD pass, stopped an attempt at a game-winning two-point try to beat the Rattlers.

OTTOMAN EMPIRE

14. (11) Arizona (1-4)
Last week: Lost to Kansas City 62-61 OT
This week: at Los Angeles
In the loss to KC, QB Sherdrick Bonner was solid (seven TD passes) and the offense clicked as it always does. But it was the same old story on defense — not enough key stops.

HOT HAM AND SWISS ON RYE

15. (13) Austin (1-4)
Last week: Lost to Dallas 68-64
This week: vs. Utah
The fading Wranglers played hard and jumped out to an early 30-7 lead, but they couldn’t hang on late as the Dallas special teams made some key plays.

SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS

16. (16) Las Vegas (1-4)
Last week: Lost to Utah 57-47
This week: vs. Kansas City
The Gladiators got into a hole early but never quit, climbing back into the game behind a decent night from QB Shaun King before the Blaze put it away in the fourth quarter.

DAVE THOMAS

17. (18) Grand Rapids (1-4)
Last week: Bye
This week: vs. New York
Coming off a bye week, the Rampage actually have a winnable game against the Dragons this week, but they must get more stability at the QB position.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

18. (17). New York (1-3)
Last week: Lost to Philadelphia 65-60
This week: at Grand Rapids
Five costly turnovers against a good team like Philadelphia is too much. New York was forced to play from behind the entire game and could only get close to the Soul, not overtake them.

K-Y JELLY WRESTLING

19. (19) Tampa Bay (0-5)
Last week: Lost to San Jose 69-49
This week: vs. New Orleans
The Storm got decent production from new QB Stoney Case, but their defense could not make enough stops, and San Jose’s receivers really exploited the Tampa secondary.

TEA AND CRUMPETS

CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: Nashville broke our hearts last week, sending CMRP to 2-2 (after the week 1 bye). This week, though, we think Randomness shall prevail: ARIZONA 56, LOS ANGELES 47. You have the home of Hollywood versus the home of adult film production. Both are seedy, so we’ll take sides with the industry that makes more money. We’ll probably just stick with the Nashville belles for the victory party though: we’d rather not spend the rest of our lives being broadcast on the Internets and in a vat of penicillin.

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