Week 5 CMRP Pity Party

2 04 2007

(Great) leftovers from the Titans’ squad

Can’t Miss Random Pick falls to 2-2 this week, after the revised prediction of Nashville 56, Colorado 52 fell flat as Colorado eeked out a win at home, scoring 55 to Nashville’s 47. It all turned out well, though, as the pity party with my Southern Belles was FAR better than any victory party with Colorado’s back-packing venture capitalists could have possible been. Full scoreboard is right here.


COLUMBUS 62, Georgia 61: Columbus hands Georgia its first loss of the season. Destroyers QB Matt Nagy orchestrated a last-minute drive and a successful two-point conversion, which was decidedly more successful than Nagy’s ill-fated orchestration “Opus for Surnames That Seem to Have Too Few Vowels in B major”.

KANSAS CITY 62, Arizona 61: Not to be outdone by Columbus, under-achieving Kansas City gets an exciting home win on the first play of OT; according to Nostradamus, the beginning of the apocalypse is when two 2-2 teams make late resurgences to win at home, on the same night, with the same final score.


NEW ORLEANS 48, Orlando 45: Squad Other Gruden’s troubles continue to grow (like his boyish hair) as New Orleans scores with 11 seconds left on the clock. This match-up also features a completely scoreless second quarter, which in the AFL is about as rare as an established running game.

DALLAS 68, Austin 64: We could give props to the Austin “Inexcusably Bad At Football Because We Are in Texas” Wranglers for leading the Dallas “Team to Beat/New England Patriots of the AFL” Desperados for most of the game until the final two minutes of the fourth quarter, but we totally won’t. Come see us when you learn how to finish, Austin.

SAN JOSE 69, Tampa Bay 49. Tampa Bay is 0-5. In our continuing tradition of equating AFL teams to more familiar ones in the NFL, we quietly suggest Tampa Bay relocate to either Detroit, Cleveland, or Oakland, and see what Tim Couch is up to. Also, “69” – tee hee!


Philadelphia 65, NEW YORK 60: Inexplicably, in the recap on ESPN, they SAY that Davey threw three TD passes, but in the box score it APPEARS he threw six. So, depending on where you look, he either totally blows or was pretty decent.

CHICAGO 66, Los Angeles 31:The Rush more than doubled LA’s 31 points in a shameful route; Avengers QB Sonny Cumbie apparently took his own advice and spent the second half supporting his team from his seat.

COLORADO 55, Nashville 47: As much fun as the Nashville Pity Party was, I would’ve really preferred the 3rd Consecutive CMRP Victory Party that would’ve happened if Nashville hadn’t allowed Colorado to both tie and take the lead in the final minute of the fourth quarter. Still, I could make a career out of consoling southern belles.

Utah 57, LAS VEGAS 47: Shaun “Reverse Kurt Warner” King managed to get the Gladiators into the lead twice in the third quarter, but he apparently fell victim to the moniker “Kurt Warner Most Recently of the Arizona Cardinals” and had no answer for 20 consecutive points posted by the Blaze in the fourth quarter.

Items of note: The Most Motor-Skills-Challenged of the Week Award goes to Los Angeles, who fielded only 31 points against Chicago, which ties for Las Vegas in Week 3, and is underscored only by Tampa Bay (27) and New York (7) in Week 1; Tampa Bay is the only team that has yet to get a win; Dallas  and Philadelphia are the only undefeated teams remaining; Arizonahas scored 14 more points that it has allowed this season and yet has a 1-4 record, whereas Colorado has allowed 13 more points that it has scored all season and is enjoying a 3-2 record, nipping at Chicago’s heels in the American Central division; if you check TC’s previous Weekend in Review, you’ll find quite a few more jokes.




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