It’s Still Football is now an unstoppable juggernaut of predictions. This week’s CMRP (pronounced come-urp, until I can think of some other more unpleasant way to say it) was Arizona 58, Las Vegas 42. The actual score: Arizona 68, Las Vegas 41. Eat it, randomness.
With that off our chest, the week in review, where the only true facts are the scores.
(Home team in CAPS.) (I always wanted to write that unironically.)
PHILADELPHIA 71, Colorado 47.Tony Graziani promised 9 sick children touchdown passes during his visit to a local hospital. One had to be satisfied with a Bon Jovi CD. Fortunately, it was Slippery When Wet, as the rest of them largely suck.
New York 59, TAMPA BAY 52. Unfortunately, someone had to win this game between two teams with fewer chromosomes than you’d anticipate. The historically dominant Tampa Bay Storm failed to pace themselves, and managed to give up 21 unanswered points to lose. Rohan Davey – yes, THE Rohan Davey, who always hangs around the free agent list in Madden, just begging you to pick him and his 53-rated-ass up to chuck the ball directly at a lineman. Or umpire. Or fire hydrant.
UTAH 83, Grand Rapids 42. I’m personally disappointed in the Blaze for not doubling up on their opponents. Because it’s much easier for me to write, all faux shocked, “The Blaze managed to double up on their opponents… who scored FORTY-TWO POINTS.” In Steve Videtich’s defense, some random joker ran onto the field and blocked the only extra point that he missed, but since the AFL is all about the fans, everybody had a good laugh, the guy got to keep the ball, and everybody decided to go make snow angels, or something. Or he just missed the kick. I prefer the former story. Oh, this is also true: Brian Gowins converted a 2-point conversion on a fake, because he’s smarter than everyone else.
ARIZONA 68, Las Vegas 41.Nostrofizzle predicted this one, and he was able to do so because he knew that Shaun King is a bad, bad football player. Rule of thumb: if your jersey is ever used in the Annual Orland Park Turkey Bowl, you’re a wretched football player (Leaf, Mirer, Dilfer, King, Wuerffel), a drunk/hilarious-party-animal-punchline (Orton), a kicker (Del Greco), or some combination thereof (Janikowski). True fact: Shaun King got safetied in this game. Unsubstantiated rumor: It’s how they drew it up in the huddle.
Chicago 55, COLUMBUS 47. The chief export of Chicago is majesty, followed closely by excellence and wonderment. The chief exports of Columbus are asshats and the corpses of kittens that were smote by God.
GEORGIA 64, San Jose 62: More impressive than the score of this game is that they did it with an all-time QB. True fact: the last three conversion attempts were no good (2 2-point attempts and an extra point.) If I ever get to the Georgia Force in Better Know a Team, remind me to focus on Xavier “Wide
RightLeft” Beitia, who I would’ve assumed would be in a basement somewhere crying.
Los Angeles 48, NEW ORLEANS 36. Can the VooDoo play in the Superdome? I mean, it’s indoors, right? Granted, you’d never fill it, but you could do like the Alamodome did during basketball games and just put a sheet up to block half of the arena. Meanwhile, Los Angeles took control of the game and just kept answering New Orleans, which makes for a kind of dull recap. WOO! ARENA FOOTBALL! IT’S HIGH SCORING! PAY ATTENTION TO IT!
<Digression> The Arena League should totally take that as their advertising tag line. You know where to reach me, AFL. You can even take out the “Woo,” I’m not married to it.</Digression>
Nashville 70, AUSTIN 63:Jeff Smoker vs. Adrian McPherson! It’s everything I’ve always wanted in a duel. Except for the death that would usually ensue from an old-timey duel between the same combatants. Apparently, despite Ron Jaworski’s obsession with “Anything can happen with a non-zero time remaining on the clock,” 56 seconds wasn’t long enough for McPherson to answer Smoker in the end. McPherson was not run over by any anthropomorphic animals in this game, extending his streak to a personal record of 4.
Dallas 70, ORLANDO 49. Other Gruden given traditional Losing Gruden Brother Post-Game Undy-Grundy. See the liveblog and that other post for further details of lunatics entering the field of play.
Items of note: Dallas = “For Realz,” as I mentioned they might be in the last Weekend in Review, and Lesser Gruden = inching ever-closer to being removed from the Gruden Family wealth. The Most Motor-Skills-Challenged of the Week Award goes to the Grand Rapids Rampage, whose decision to play defense while under the influence of chloral hydrate really backfired.