Week 4 Power Rankings; Can’t Miss Random Pick

21 03 2007

It is time, once again, for the ad-wizards at Scouts Inc. to weigh in on the ongoings of the AFL; this week, for the first time ever, I’ll attempt to be a wise-ass by providing interpretations in bold face.

1. (1) Dallas (3-0)
Last week: Beat Kansas City 66-54
This week: at Orlando
Dallas played a complete game versus the Brigade, and the game was not as close as the score indicated. A great rushing game in the red zone and a big day by WR Marcus Nash sets Desperados up for huge MNF game at Orlando.

The Desperados are like the Yankees – they’re the team everybody will love to hate as the season goes on. In NFL terms, they’d be the Colts, the Patriots, maybe the Cowboys, and probably not the Browns.

2. (3) Philadelphia (2-0)
Last week: Beat Grand Rapids 69-40
This week: vs. Colorado
The Soul dominate on both sides of the ball and in the trenches, and their defense can take over a game. This is the most physical team in the league, and the offense isn’t in total sync yet.

Jaws told Scouts Inc. he’d install iron mandibles like the Bond villain of the same name and bite off their fingers if they called out his team for having a winning record due in no small part to their soft schedule.

3. (2) Georgia (3-0)
Last week: Beat Tampa Bay 61-47
This week: vs. San Jose
The Force played a solid defensive game and received a smart and disciplined performance by QB Chris Greisen to stay unbeaten.

Watching QB Chris Greisen is really boring.

4. (5). Orlando (2-1)
Last week: Beat Austin 45-30
This week: vs. Dallas
The Predators got past a dangerous Austin offense with an excellent defensive effort and now can concentrate on the early AFL game of the year versus a complete Dallas team.

For no discernable reason, Scouts Inc. is protecting the feelings of Jay Gruden.

5. (6) Chicago (2-1)
Last week: Beat New York 61-40
This week: at Columbus
Rush defense finally woke up versus overmatched New York, and the pass-rush pressure was excellent. Chicago also helped by five-TD day of WR Bobby Sippio.

Once Bobby Sippio gets signed to an NFL team, Chicago is totally fucked.

6. (8) Colorado (2-1)
Last week: Beat Arizona 56-54
This week: at Philadelphia
Defense made a couple of key stops versus defensively challenged Arizona, and WR Damian Harrell had a huge game. Colorado getting better, but not a dominant team just yet.

We’re not sure why, but Colorado played its defense against Arizona’s.

7. (7) San Jose (1-1)
Last week: Bye
This week: at Georgia
The SaberCats are coming off a bye week, and their early schedule is ridiculously tough. Even though they are a good team, facing Georgia on the road is a big challenge.

“We completely tune out when anyone mentions the SaberCats, so we’ll just throw some generic sports phrases into a sentence.”

8. (4) Utah (2-1)
Last week: Lost to Nashville 69-55
This week: vs. Grand Rapids
Blaze learned you can’t win in this league by relying only on your offense. The defense needs to make a stop or two, as well. Nashville beat Utah with offensive balance and a strong run game.

“We would have liked to rank them higher given their overall record, but we have issues with Mormons.”

9. (12) New Orleans (2-1)
Last week: Beat Las Vegas 59-31
This week: vs. Los Angeles
VooDoo sealed game with great production in second and third quarters. A complete game by their offense, defense and special teams added up to surprisingly easy road win.

They’re willing to put in the effort fully 50% of the time.

10. (9) Los Angeles (1-1)
Last week: Bye
This week: at New Orleans
The Avengers might have turned their season around in Week 2 with a great road win at Orlando, but they have another tough road trip versus the surprising VooDoo.

Partying in Hollywood is not as fun as Bourbon Street.

11. (13) Columbus (1-1)
Last week: Bye
This week: vs. Chicago
Destroyers are coming off bye week and have a huge challenge versus a sleeping giant Rush team this week, but QB Matt Nagy and WR Damien Groce combination gives them hope.

Despite being in one of the most football-crazy regions in the country, this team is terrible and doesn’t deserve sound and restful sleep.

12. (10) Austin (1-2)
Last week: Lost to Orlando 45-30
This week: vs. Nashville
Wranglers ran into a Predators defense that was ready to play. A good balanced second half by Orlando was too much to overcome.

See ‘Columbus’.

13. (18) Nashville (1-2)
Last week: Beat Utah 69-55
This week: at Austin
Kats surprised Blaze with a physical run game and five TDs on the ground by FB Dan Alexander. The young guys came through for first 2007 win.

Nashville finally won after their offensive coordinator realized every other offensive player they have is terrible.

14. (11) Las Vegas (1-2)
Last week: Lost to New Orleans 59-31
This week: at Arizona
Gladiators opened new arena with disappointing loss. Poor field position and some solid New Orleans defensive stops never allowed Las Vegas to get into a flow.

QB Shaun King is no longer ‘Reverse Kurt Warner’. He is turning into ‘AFL’s Ryan Leaf’.

15. (14) Kansas City (1-2)
Last week: Lost to Dallas 66-54
This week: Bye
Brigade played hard, but they had no answer for Dallas run game and WR Marcus Nash. They got behind early and could never climb back into the game.

The stadium does not feature a step-ladder.

16. (15) Grand Rapids (1-2)
Last week: Lost to Philadelphia 69-40
This week: at Utah
Rampage had no answer for swarming Soul defense that controlled pace of game. The lack of playmakers on offense continues to cause problems, but the team does play hard.

Grand Rapids gets an ‘A’ for effort, if ‘A’ stands for ‘A lousy effort’.

17. (16) Arizona (0-3)
Last week: Lost to Colorado 56-54
This week: vs. Las Vegas
Rattlers are learning they can’t win relying solely on their offense, and a lack of defensive stops has led to 0-3 start.

“All of Arizona’s games have been decided by 4 points or less against decent teams, but we have no problem with letting you think they totally suck.”

18. (17). Tampa Bay (0-3)
Last week: Lost to Georgia 61-47
This week: vs. New York
The Storm played hard versus a superior Georgia squad, but they couldn’t make enough defensive plays versus accurate Force QB Chris Greisen. Offensively, they just lack explosiveness.

Tampa Bay lacks explosiveness. Which means they are terrible, but Scouts Inc. doesn’t know why. (I’ll answer – they’re fourth in overall offense, but third to last in turnover margins [-8 ])

19. (19) New York (0-2)
Last week: Lost to Chicago 61-40
This week: at Tampa Bay
The Dragons never had a chance to protect QB Rohan Davey versus a fierce Chicago pass rush, and that led to fumbles and interceptions. But at least New York played hard.

QB Rohan Davey plays behind the Raiders’ offensive line.

WEEK 4 CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: Arizona 58, Las Vegas 42. They’re both desert teams, but Rattlers can survive in the desert a lot longer than an army of Gladiators. Plus, it’s time for Arizona to show everyone what they’re all about, and Las Vegas can’t break my heart twice in three weeks.

CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK’S RECORD: 1-1 (1st week bye)

Got a question for the ‘experts’? Harass them (Scouts Inc.’s Gary Horton) today on ESPN SportsNation.




2 responses

27 03 2007
Second Consecutive Can't Miss Random Pick Victory Party! « It’s Still Football

[…] CMRP (pronounced come-urp, until I can think of some other more unpleasant way to say it) was Arizona 58, Las Vegas 42. The actual score: Arizona 68, Las Vegas 41. Eat it, […]

28 03 2007
Infiltrating SportsNation, sass not accepted « It’s Still Football

[…] Guess he reads It’s Still Football. Other interesting things of notice that Gary decided to weighed in: Mike: hey Garty you see the […]

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