Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Still Footballhas triumphed! I’d like to be the first to congratulate Herr Fizzle for his his Can’t Miss Random Pick of the Week, which was only off by 30 points to the visiting team. Which, in Arena Football, can be scored within four-tenths of a second, if you believe Ron Jaworski.
That said, The Weekend In Review
(so far) (there’s no Monday night game, which I should have known, so yeah, this is the whole weekend):
Chicago 61, New York 40.The fact that a certain blog was spot-on with respect to the Rush’s offensive output is – shockingly – not what we’re going to take note of today. Rather, the recap is going to mention that Bobby Sippio will catch anything you throw at him. TD passes (5, for a league-leading 13), babies, syphilis, you name it. I may have made those last two up. Also, we’d like to mention that the Dragons have scored, in sequence, 7 points, no points, and 40 points. Granted, their second week was their bye, but should Rush fans be concerned about their defensive strategy apparently being “everybody fall down and fake a seizure” against New York’s offense? Or did New York remember which direction to point the offense on their bye week? I’m just (un)paid to make stuff up and make with the funny, so I don’t have the damndest.
Philadelphia 69, Grand Rapids 40. Brian Gowins, the pride and joy of Northwestern University “Special” Teams, hit 3 field goals, and clanged an extra point for Grand Rapids, who could best be described as “struggling.” Matthew Sauk (2 picks) is not the answer. Tony Graziani, on the other hand, is a mighty fortress. Also, 69. Hee.
Orlando 45, Austin 30. Orlando rebounds from their Monday night upset loss against Los Angeles, meaning The Other Gruden won’t be written out of the will just yet. Orlando capitalized on 4 turnovers, and apparently made the clock their friend, as the combined 75 points were two touchdowns fewer than the next-defensive-minded game.
Dallas 66, Kansas City 54. Dallas, the purported #1 team in all of Arena Christendom, seems to have sleepwalked through this win over the Brigade. I make this statement based on my imagination, and the box score, which also shows that, down 21-7, Kansas City turned to Sam Simmons, of Victory Right fame. My recommendations: Raymond Phillyaw still has a funny name, so fire him and pick up The Mighty Zak Kustok, who will throw jump-balls to Sam Simmons for the win. He won’t even need to get a uniform – he can stay dressed in his suit and tie from his investment firm, and borrow a helmet from somebody. Of greater concern to Dallas fans is that the Desperados have let Tampa Bay and Kansas City hang around for the past couple weeks. Perhaps we shall see if they are “for realz,” as the youth of America say, against Orlando on Monday the 26th.
Colorado 56, Arizona 54. Because I’m not doing enough research, I’m going to have to go out on a limb to say this was an Arena Heartbreaker for the Rattlers, who remain on an Arena quest for their first Arena win this Arena season. Also, they were able to attempt the 2-point conversion after their touchdown with 1:45 remaining twice, because of a rarely-called pass interference penalty (the DB actually knocked the receiver down, shot him twice, and then intercepted the pass, because, let me tell you, it takes a lot to bring that flag out), and failed twice. That’s just embarrassing. Another interesting note is that the AFL recap praises Colorado for their defensive effort. Arena Football – it’s high scoring.
Georgia 61, Tampa Bay 47. Nashville 69, Utah 55. New Orleans 55, Las Vegas 31. These games also happened. I want to move on to other things. Arena Football – it’s attention-defecit-tastic! Other contributors to this website can make notes on these, if they’re so inclined. Congratulations for scoring that 31st point, Las Vegas, and not being named Most Motor-Control Challenged of the Week.
That’s it! I’m done! I have work to do for my
Mortgage Investment Banking Overlords!