Everything That You Vaguely Wondered About Arena Football

13 03 2007

Frequently Asked Questions lists are for cowards. Therefore, in the spirit of “screw that noise,” which is the abiding philosophy of my life (JFizzle’s is “screw craft services”), I give you our list in progress of things you ought to be asking about the AFL. Maybe we’ll even answer some of them truthfully. So, without further ado:

The Arena Football League Infrequently Asked Questions List:

  • Do they have fan interference? 
    – Jimmy, Binghamton, NY

    Jimmy, first of all, I’d like to let you know that if you Google “Arena Football Rule Book,” your first link directs you to the rules for some intramural football league at Miami University. Which is unhelpful. Equally unhelpful is the Arena League itself, who does not post a rule book anywhere, at least that I can find at the moment. The patent is of no help, either, so I’m going to go with “no.” In fact, if you watched the game yesterday, they encourage fans to interact with the players, and if you’re white-trashy enough, you can even take a swing at them. So, Jimmy, if you ever go to an Arena League game, bat the ball back into the field of play to see if it’s still live, or strip it from a defender and see what happens. Report back to us from the jail in the Wachovia Center at Casey Plaza. If I get a straight answer, I’ll come back to this question.UPDATE! It happened three times on Monday night! One time particularly egregiously. What happened? I have no idea. I had rehearsal.
  • What the heck is the Los Angeles Avengers logo supposed to be?
    Frank, Charleston, SC
    What is this thing?
    Frank, I have no flipping idea. Josh and J Fizzle suggested it might be some kind of Spartan helmet thing, but I’m not so sure. Were Spartans particularly avenging? It appears to be a person, perhaps in a raincoat and rain hat. Are those wings coming out of its neck? Is it a pteranodon? Is it an avenging angel? If so, why the hat? As usual, the website is no help.
  • Why are they allowed to have rounded corners in the end zone, sometimes? 
    -Sam, New Mexico

    Oh, boy, Sam. Another question that’s woefully underanswered. Which, theoretically is why we’re doing this post, I suppose. The rules only dictate how deep the end zone goes, and where they hang the nets. I’m going to have to read the entire friggin’ patent, aren’t I? It would appear that the reason that some walls in the end zone are curved is because they can be, I’m guessing because they’re using stadiums that are built for ice hockey, though I could be making that up. So, it looks like the answer, Sam, is “because they can.” Additionally, it would seem from the patent that the end zones are supposed to be kind of rounded. Or at least not entirely square. I’m entirely baffled.
  • They patented this crap? For serious?
    Thomas, NJIndeed, sir, James Foster patented his brainchild, which is why, of all the mediocre indoor football leagues in the land, the AFL is the only one with really surreal goalpost nets. You can access this patent with shocking ease (I defy you to find a patent for any other professional sports league), but it’s apparently IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A DAMN RULEBOOK.
  • You had rehearsal?
    -J, IL

    Yeah. Wanna make something of it?

Okay, well, that was fun. We’ll re-visit this post when a) I think of more than 3 useful questions, and b) can actually find answers. Oh, and c) when I don’t spend 30 minutes monkeying with the formatting so it doesn’t look like it was designed by meth-addled chimpanzees. UPDATE: Still fun, now there’s two more questions, I still can’t find answers, and it still looks like bat guano. P.S. If you came here because you googled AFL Fan Interference, sorry for the complete lack of help. It’s infuriating to us, too. Believe me.




One response

14 03 2007
J Fizzle

Come on, TC. Chips Ahoy and turkey sandwiches make for an awesome dinner.

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