Weekend in Review: That Stuff We Posted Yesterday, Mostly

Yes, I just steal photos from ArenaFootball.com. What of it? I have a point to make.

Of course, when I’m ready to rant about how ESPN’s grand commitment to the league seems to have fallen off somewhat since the heady days of Mike, Mike, Trey, Jaws, et al. (Were those salad days merely one year ago? How young we once were!), they go ahead and announce that Mike Hohensee and other members of the Rush are going to do a Sportscenter commercial. That doesn’t necessarily take the sting out of the fact that it occasionally appears that certain games are played in poorly-lit caverns with cameras stolen from remote broadcasts of the 1980s. Occasionally, you expect to see Dan Rather show up in a Muhajadeen outfit and explain how badly the Afghans have it against the Red Army. ANYWAY. There’s that. On to what happened over the weekend.

Chicago 51, TAMPA BAY 46

For all but the fourth quarter, this game was as close as the score would indicate. Tied at the half, back-and-forth through most of the third quarter, the Storm and Rush played a tough, reasonably defensive game that began to turn on a fumbled kickoff by the Storm’s Sedrick Robinson, and then  was solidified when, the Chicago defense was able to hold Tampa Bay to a field goal after a late Storm interception of Russ Michna. I’m beginning to come around on this Michna fellow - he’s 5-0 and ran the play-fake-naked-bootleg in the 4th quarter for a touchdown, and that’s the sort of chicanery I personally enjoy. Brett Dietz, after leading a gritty win against Orlando last week managed to keep the Storm in the game, but - as has been the discouraging refrain this season - wasn’t able to get the victory. If we’re starting the playoff watch this week, Tampa’s probably a bit nervous at 3-6, while Chicago’s putting some significant space between themselves and the defending champion Sabercats.

More, after this word from our imaginary sponsor:

Weekend in Review: Let’s Respond To Some Comments

There you go, your CPR picture. This is before the “corpse” is slapped away, as you do when you fail as an EMT.

This may be irregular, as I usually leave our comments sections alone, because I don’t feel like I need another medium in which to look like a ninny, but the last two days have brought some really trenchant commentary that I’d like to mention. I’ll incorporate them into the Weekend in Review blurbs, so get reading. We’ll start with…

Chicago 49, KANSAS CITY 42

JCompton says that Kansas City “isn’t really all that bad. They just aren’t good enough to beat the teams they’re playing,” which is sufficiently bad, but in fairness, may not fall under the category of “really frickin’” bad. They’re better than, say, Utah, certainly, and D. Bryant has now a couple good games in a row, so perhaps they’re on the upswing, but they couldn’t hang with a quasi-depleted Rush team. Michna is competent, but no Bonner (or D’Orazio, for that matter), and for some reason Jeremy Unertl forgot how to cover wide receivers consistently. And I didn’t see Captain Brigade! I’ll look again, but I’m sorry I missed the belly bomb. We’re going to get the clips of the officials’ conferences as soon as I get my hands on the gadget that lets me rip footage off the TiVo

Weekend In Review: De…fense?

Can you imagine the damage this man would do on a small field? The horror, the horror!

Defense was the word of the weekend in the Arena League. April fool’s! For real! New Orleans won on the strength of their cornerbacks, Chicago shut down Arizona, Dallas triumphed with a safety, and San Jose held the Brigade to under 40 points. We’re going for really impossible-to-pull-off ideas this week, so let’s see how much we can cram into RHYMING! COUPLET! RECAPS!

Click through if you want bad poetry. Or even if you don’t. It’s all we have today.

Weekend In Review: We Know NOTHING

This is all that’s left in Utah’s “good news” file. Everything else is filed under C, for “Crap, total.” Also, we’re pandering.

Perhaps it’s that the actual normal-person (i.e. “unrelated to Arena Football”) schedule of team TC/JM has kept us from assimilating as much information as we should. Or perhaps it’s because nothing in this fucking league makes any sense. Hello, New Orleans, nice to see you here. Danny Wimprine makes that much of a difference? How wonderful for him, and for you. I’m not wagering against him anymore, that’s for certain. Full slate of winners/losers after the break.

Weekend in Reviewaaaargh!

What happened over the weekend? Everyone who wasn’t screwed before is now screwed. Except for Sherdrick Bonner, whose wife had a baby. But Graziani got his leg snapped like a twig, and Dallas has about one more quarter of keeping Chris Sanders alive. Other things happened, but it’s already 5, and this “venerable” website hasn’t commented on ANYTHING from this weekend. Nerts. [Update: Did it, and before Tuesday ended, too!]

Oh, and Cleveland’s 3-0, and that heralds the End Times.

Fake analysis after ye olde jump.

Weekend In Review; CMRP Victory Party!

Mediocre halo, add a lens flare… Yeah, that sounds about right.

TAMPA BAY 69, Georgia 48

Whew, that’s more like it. The Brett Dietz March To The Sea gets back on track with an efficient, 7-touchdown performance, connecting with 34 different recievers and he saved some children. (But not the British children.) I’m not giving up on The Scrappy Chris Griesen yet, because his numbers were okay, but Georgia simply couldn’t get a stop. Plus, the Storm decided to resume murdering teams with the passing game. (Running touchdowns? What? Not today, my good man.)

The rest of the weekend is given cursory attention after the jump.

So, You’re Telling Me Week 1 Was Eventful?

Holy crap, that was good times.

In case you missed it, our initial rankings, with links to our absurdist and unlikely previews (now with more bad math!) is here.

“Gentlemen, my balls are weighty. They have heft. They are dense, like dark matter.”

Occasionally, some pansy-ass quarterback will have some large person drive him to the unforgiving turf and cause him bodily harm. Fingers dislocate, shoulders separate, ribs get tweaked. Many times, the quarterback will dip into the chutzpah (pronounced “cortisone”) reserves, and get back out there, you know, if it’s not his throwing shoulder/hand/wrist/arm. Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D., doesn’t give a shit. He will separate his throwing shoulder and DEMAND to go out there for the last 7 minutes, and win the damn game. He’ll throw another touchdown on a bad wing, why not. He also sounds like Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights - I’ll prove it, I swear. What, the result of the rest of the game? The Scrappy Chris Griesen and Georgia were outdueled by the veteran Desperados. DALLAS 51, Georgia 41

Rest of the weekend, after the thing. Oh, yeah, home team in caps.

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn't have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Can’t Miss Random Pick… Party…

Let me explain something before we get into last weekend’s AFL action. I have an hour and twenty minutes before I head out on vacation, and - aside from wrapping up that mascot post - I’ve had to spend my day making sure the Bankingdrome wouldn’t collapse in my absence. I swear to God, I might come back to find everyone dead of forgetting to breathe. I’d celebrate for days. I’ve already made it abundantly clear that the only way I’ll take their calls or answer their e-mail is if I’m in some altered state, and then I’ll probably tell them to do something anatomically unlikely. But, because there’s something wrong with me, I’m still compelled to make sure everyone knows how to fax things for themselves and what number to call if their game of “Why are you hitting yourself?” turns tragic. Plus, making sure they have all their marketing materials is critical. These are the people who requested I print out the sum total of our marketing material for easy access. It was on the Internet, organized by category. It doesn’t get any more convenient than that. But, now we have a large black binder with out-of-date advertising flyers. So, there are piles of things for them to assemble. I hope they get papercuts and forget to clot.

That being said, Week 16, as I whistle the theme from The Great Escape:

Can’t Miss “Random” Pick (Day Late) Victory Party!

It’s Wednesday, and while I know no one reads ISF for timely news, I still feel badly for not recapping last weekend’s games before today. But I’m paying for it karmically, in that I was tied this morning in the Ladies… bracket with Tom of NFL Fanhouse. So, vote, if you feel so inclined. On to the week’s results. With made-up information.