Jerry Jones is not answering his phone

Ten seconds from steam shooting from his ear canals.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

CLICK BEEEEP

Hello, you’ve reached the office of Jerry Jones, Football Mastermind of the Dallas Cowboys and Desperados. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now, but if you leave a message after the tone I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. If you’re one of my players looking for bail money, please dial 0 for the operator.

BEEP

Hey, Jerry, it’s Jon again. Just wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing. I know how seriously you take these things, and I don’t want you to get too down in the dumps. Think about your blood pressure.

So, yeah… I’m on tour in Europe right now, but I’ll be playing Madison Square Garden next month. You want some tickets? The All American Rejects are playing too, maybe that’ll make you feel better?

Come on, Jerry, pick up the phone.

It’s no fun kicking your ass twice a year in this rivalry if you’re going to be a little bitch about it. Get over it, man. Call me.

CLICK BEEP

[Jerry stares vacantly at phone as dried Cherry Garcia flakes off two-day stubble]

Bwah?

Guh? Utah 51, Chicago 48?

P.S. That’s why you don’t cut your veteran all-star kicker 15 minutes into the season, idiot. It’s bad juju.

The Utah Blaze – playoff contenders?

WR Aaron Boone stares into the sky, where The Limit is

If you told us last week that the Utah Blaze, then at 2-9, were still looking to the playoffs, that is, the 2008 playoffs, I’d tell you the Utah Blaze were aptly named. Apparently, Danny White has suffered brain hemorrhages from the certain-repeat smashings of his own skull against the arena wall in frustration over this season:

Having put together back-to-back wins after a miserable 0-9 start to the season, the Utah Blaze truly have — believe it or not — put themselves back into the Arena Football League’s playoff chase… after two wins in a row, Blaze coach Danny White and Co. sound confident things can be different this time around.

“Morale is good, and it gets better with each win,” said White.

…Utah, meanwhile, doesn’t even necessarily have to win all of its last five games to make the playoffs. White believes three more wins — for five total — could be enough.”

Aside from believing the Blaze will have a shot at the playoffs with three wins out of their next four (Chicago, Grand Rapids, LA, and Arizona), Coach White also believes in The Secret, Santa Claus, and the presence of WMDs in Iraq.

Wait, who are their last four games against? Maybe it won’t be enough for the playoffs, but 5-11 doesn’t actually seem out of the question. If White believes in The Secret, all he has to do is wish!

Ocho Cinco! Ocho Cinco!

More orange on the page! WAY more interesting than Ol’ Illinois What’s-His-Injury.

Okay, this may or may not have quasi-broken 10 days ago; that doesn’t make it any less interesting. It’s a well-known fact that Chad Johnson is cranky with his situation in Cincinnati, to the degree that he blew off the Bengals opening workouts this week. However, curious is the fact that he’d be willing to play anywhere else. Even… the Arena League? Why, yes, according to offhand statements on ESPN Radio.

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Whatever it is and where ever I am, it’s going to be something fun. You know what, I might be playing Arena ball. That’s the route I might have to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the silliest possible thing ever. We saw, with our own eyes, in perosn, Bobby Sippio leap into the stands after a touchdown, dance with fans, and then SPRINT back to his bench and dive over the boards to avoid a delay of game and/or too-many-men-on-the-field penalty on the extra point. That’s Bobby Sippio. He never made a public statement implying his desire to use a deer as a prop in a touchdown celebration. The Bleacher Report puts it best:

“Plus, the AFL, unlike the NFL, would most likely allow his dances and celebrations since they realize it’s entertainment and because well, they’re desperate for fans and would love to increase their ratings. I mean, the guy would be bringing in tons of fans and giving the league more media coverage than ever so I doubt they’d have a problem with him whipping out signs and Irish dancing.”

Commissioner Hagrid, when he handed out the 64-ton Arena Bowl trophy mentioned that the AFL stood for “All-Fun League.” the guy would be allowed to carry fireworks in his uniform if he wanted. He could wrap the ball in flash paper and set the thing on fire. He could leave the field, fly to Switzerland, put the ball in the Super Hadron Collider at CERN, and the AFL’d sent a camera crew after him and hold the game until he came back. And these are all inanimate objects! Do I see strippers involved in these touchdown celebrations? I certainly do.

Johnson wants to play in Dallas. Chris Sanders wanted to play for the Cowboys, too, but he didn’t get his wish. Maybe… nah. That’d be insane. But it’d be destination TV, that’s for certain. You want to get stupid, AFL fans? Root for further logjams in the Bengals front office.

(Note: This was originally referenced on the 18th of March on The Fanhouse. It was promptly forgotten about until The Bleacher Report and Under the Roof showed up in my Google Reader this afternoon. Hat tips all around.)

Brett Favre Retires With Ground Left To Make Up

By now, it’s big old news that Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers announced his retirement, realizing that there was no way that he was going to bridge the 440-touchdown gap between himself and Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D. He finally made his peace with merely being better than Jay Gruden and Todd Hammel, and decided that it was time to permanently shift to lounging around on his sprawling Mississippi estate, leaving only the possibility of rolling around in piles of money to occupy his time.

It’s at this point that I’d like to start the rumor that he’s going to join the Orlando Predators in order to prove his dominance in all phases of football. Then he’s going to play for FC Dallas, and perhaps a couple seasons of rugby. Aussie Rules football? The baffling Celtic football? What is it at the end of the tunnel pictured above? ESPN makes it look like some sort of Renaissance painting of St. Francis of Assisi.

Seriously: let’s go with the idea that since his competitive streak can’t be capped, he’s going to play for the New Orleans Voodoo, because it’s close to home. And he’s going to play for free. And he has the stated goal of throwing 220 touchdowns this year. It’ll be great. It’s like he’s going to the football equivalent of a methadone clinic. “Brett, we’re going to get you to step down from competing gradually…”

Bernie Kosar makes a phone call

Hello, Tom? Hi, it’s Bernie Kosar!

No, Bernie. Kosar.

No, I’m not a truant officer looking for child support.

I’m not Belichick’s butler.

I’m a pro-bowl QB from the Browns. No, I know. No, I’m not Brady Quinn. I know he isn’t.

You probably don’t remember because you weren’t old enough to be riding the pine at Michigan.

Anyhow, I have a proposition for you. You looked pretty decent last week against the Dolphins, six TD passes. Not too shabby.

Me? In a single season? Um… 22. Really? Good for you. On pace for 61? Must be nice having Randy Moss around.

If you can do a little better, you could be looking at a starting position on my new team.

Football. Your offseason, a chance for you to keep sharp. I’d need you to throw at least 6 TDs a game though. 49 points won’t exactly cut it.

It’s the arena league.

Cleveland. You’ll love it.

You’d be looking at a contract for 200.

No, dollars. A game.

Hello?

Breaking: Victory In Europe!

It’s official: the Arena League has outlasted NFL Europe/Europa/A Bunch of Teams Mostly in Germany!

Where are all the mediocre players that the NFL wants to develop going to go? Is the talent level of the AFL going to increase dramatically? I’d be perfectly happy to see the AFL become the pseudo-NFL Development League that NFL Deutchland was. That’s probably unlikely to happen, at least in an official capacity, sadly. However, the NFL’s castoffs have to go somewhere, which means my dream of instituting a system of AFL/af2 promotion and relegation is one step closer to reality.

A requiem for a league, after das jumpen:

Briefly: An excuse to mention American Idol and Romo/Underwood

One of our early claims to Internets fame (Ed. note: not to be confused with actual fame, unless you’re Gary Brolsma or Will Ferrell’s landlord)(Ed. note: even in Internets terms, this post was not really that big a deal) was an in-depth look at a humorous fan interference penalty during a Dallas-Orlando game that prevented Clint Dolezel from getting ever-closer to that 800 TD mark.

Because this was our first ‘big splash’, we took delight in seeing readers submitting comments, which until then, we hadn’t really had (to clarify, both readers and comments). One of those comments caught my eye, because it linked to a site about a contestant on ”American Idol”. I didn’t think too much of it, mostly because I hadn’t watched an episode of ”American Idol” since the audition of William Hung. I’ve actually been so unaware of “American Idol” that last year, when I was still working in a restaurant in my final year of college, I walked by the above-bar television during a slow post-lunch hour. I glanced at the screen, and asked my manager who the old guy with Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest was. My manager informed me that was Taylor Hicks, who had won the night before.

Anyhow, I didn’t think too much of our Idol commenter until recently, when I casually glanced through our archives to see how the site had progressed since we started in March. Again, I saw the Idol comment, then did a quick Google to see who it was and how they’d fared in the show.

The author was ‘Blake Lewis’. Tonight he finds out if he can look forward to the illustrious career of an “American Idol” winner like Reuben Studdard, or the lucrative career of an “American Idol” runner-up like Bo Bice.

We should point out that although the commenter name and (secret to you) email address is ‘Blake Lewis’, it doesn’t seem as though it’s run by the actual beat-box champ, or that he enjoys the ongoings of the Arena Football League. However, we look forward to the day when he follows in the footsteps of “Idol” winner Carrie Underwood and dates Tony Romo, so we have another excuse to put up this picture:

So, go Blake. Beat …your competitor. I actually have no idea who you’re up against, all I know for sure is that recently Paula broke her face. And it wasn’t Simon’s fault.

Briefly, and CERTIFIED QUASI-RELEVANT

Before we get to the rundown of It’s Still Football’s Voyage To an Actual AFL Game, I just want to throw out there that Philadelphia Soul Owner Jon Bon Jovi will be hanging out on American Idol this week. This could. Be. Great. Will he let his emotions get the better of him if Phil Sligh (is he still on the show?) forgets the words to “Have a Nice Day,” and give his criticism in the most concise way he knows?

The It’s Still Football Bankingdrome Branch Office denizen (me) has rehearsal during this evening’s airing of American Idol, so I might TiVo it, assuming the Official Yeti Roommate doesn’t object. But if my co-editor is so inclined, perhaps he can let us know if the following things happen, so we can move this into the realm of Certified Relevant:

1. A mention is made of the Philadelphia Soul. We also will accept Arena Football references. Extra points are given for Soul-based puns.

2. Somebody sings “We’ve Got it Goin’ On.”

3. JBJ whips out the double deuce.

In my somewhat limited experience with the phenomenon that is Idol, I recall that “Karaoke” is often used as a pejorative when critiquing the semi-exploited teen-to-twentysomething aspirants. What are they going to do when these singers are obligated to choose “Wanted” or “Livin’ on a Prayer,” or “You Give Love a Bad Name,” hm? These songs are the bedrock upon which Karaoke is built. I will give you $10, actual American money* if you find one Karaoke night that doesn’t involve at least one of these songs, AND, I will double my bet* if the place doesn’t go up for grabs when the intoxicated patrons realize that it’s Bon Jovi Time. Anyway, I’m off-topic. We’ll have blurry cheerleader photos later.

*Note: this is a lie. No actual money will change hands. Please replace “actual” with “metaphorical,” or “fraudulent,” or “non-existent”.

Good News/Bad News: David Carr Signs With Carolina

This headline may concern you, and that’s understandable. Never fear, the intrepid ISF Team remains committed to focusing primarily about football that could be confused with Madden mini-games. Nor have the Carolina Panthers been relegated to the Arena League, as though they were a soccer “football” team from West Bumpingham in Shropshire, UK. Nor has David Carr been concussed so hard that he thinks he’s gone back in time and signed with the Charlotte Rage. David Carr signing to be Jake Delhomme’s backup is good news/bad news for the world that we’re quixotically focused on. Allow me to elaborate, and in doing so, tenuously connect the signing of a backup quarterback in the NFL to the AFL:

The Bad News is that David Carr hasn’t been so tainted by the stench of the Houston Texans that he was to wander, lost and jobless, until the Georgia Force signed him to be the AFL’s Laser Rocket Arm. David Carr can throw the ball at roughly three times the speed of sound. He’d throw it off those nets so hard, he’d catch it and score his own touchdowns. He’d whip it into the stands and kill elderly patrons. It’d be great. But, that’s not going to happen, which is Bad News.

That scenario also can be found filed under “Highly Unlikely News.”

The Good News is that now Matt Schaub can completely fail to live up to potential, get murdered by the Texans O-Line and fall to the Arena League. An athletic, scrambling QB with a good arm, who’ll be 26/27 when Houston gives up on him? I can think of 18 teams that could use that kind of QB. Otherwise, he’s going to be the next Dave Krieg in the NFL, which sounds horrifying. Jump to the Arena League, Matt!

The Bad News is two-fold: a) we have to wait for that to happen, and b) being the next Dave Krieg also means you get to pull down an NFL salary until you’re 65, and you don’t actually have to be particularly skilled or even get hit often. So, also a fairly unlikely scenario.

The Really Bad News is a little more personal. By signing on as Mr. Delhomme’s backup, Mr. Carr moves The Superlative Brett Basanez to 3rd on Carolina’s depth chart. The thrilling possibilty of a Northwestern quarterback being a single heartbeat away from starting in the NFL has been wrecked by the encroachment of Mr. Carr.

The Really Good News is that perhaps – though I would infinitely rather seem him stick around in the NFL – Mr. Basanez can flip to the Arena League. Your editors would enjoy this scenario waaaaay too much. We’d totally get an interview with him, and it’d be like the Chris Farley skits on SNL. “So, Brett. Remember when you conducted the marching band that one time? [Awkward Pause] That was awwweeesome. We were there.”